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  1. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    27/02/2017
    Clients of PricewaterhouseCoopers Demand Do-Overs
    Clients of PricewaterhouseCoopers Demand Do-OversFollowing last night’s epic Oscars fail by PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) by mixing up the envelopes for the Best Picture winner, many of the accounting firm’s clients are demanding their tax returns be re-done.“How can we trust their calculations?”...
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  2. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    17/02/2017
    White House-Approved Media Questions
    White House-Approved Media QuestionsFollowing President Donald J. Trump spanking of fake news yesterday, the White House has drafted a list of approved questions for the media to ask in press conferences.“We had to do this,” Jeremy Bostwich, White House senior advisor told The Lint...
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  3. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    13/02/2017
    Wilson: A Bitter Washed-Up Hollywood Has Been
    Wilson: A Bitter Washed-Up Hollywood Has BeenIf your name is Wilson, Hollywood ain’t exactly La La Land singing, dancing and technicolor love-goo!The handsome volleyball, who co-starred with Tom Hanks in 2000’s blockbuster movie Cast Away, has been on the beach ever since looking for another...
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  4. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    04/02/2017
    Douglass Falls In Bowling Green Massacre
    Douglass Falls In Bowling Green MassacreIn a tragic turn of events, Frederick Douglass, who President Trump recently recognized for his “amazing work” died as a result of The Bowling Green Massacre.Douglass was 198-years-old.“It’s a horrible end to an incredible life,” Prof. William...
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  5. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    02/02/2017
    Punxsutawney Phil Sentenced To Death
    Punxsutawney Phil Sentenced To DeathThere’s a critter who is hating the sun today.Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who has his own holiday and movie, saw his shadow this morning when he exited his burrow in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Tradition says that his shadow sighting...
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  6. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    19/01/2017
    Bat Boy Slams Fake News
    Bat Boy Slams Fake NewsBat Boy, the sensation discovered by the “Poo-Litzer Prize” winning WEEKLY WORLD NEWS has surfaced again and is making headlines with his tirades against fake news.“I’ve had it,” an irate Bat Boy told The Lint Screen. “Reporters must uphold the...
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  7. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    14/01/2017
    Dude Joins Social Media, Finally
    Dude Joins Social Media, FinallyLarry Kolirews has always been his own person.“Don’t run with the herd, that’s my slogan,” the 56-year-old guitarist and lead singer of Air Supply cover band “Free Luv” told The Lint Screen. But now, he’s finally diving into the modern world by...
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  8. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    04/01/2017
    Congress Votes Itself Huge Raise And Other Perks
    Congress Votes Itself Huge Raise And Other PerksAfter yesterday’s Congressional embarrassment of flip-flopping on trying to shut down the ethics committee keeping a watchful eye on itself, lawmakers made a bold, decisive move and passed historic legislation this morning.The majority voted itself...
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  9. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    28/12/2016
    2016 Files For An Extension; World Outraged
    2016 Files For An Extension; World OutragedTalk about overstaying your welcome–– the year 2016 has officially filed with the universe for an extension. The formal request states that 2016 would serve all of 2017’s term, then retire and allow 2018 to serve.“If this extension is granted,” said...
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  10. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    22/12/2016
    Santa Claus Not Coming To Town
    Santa Claus Not Coming To TownChristmas is a time for fuzzy slippers and fuzzy feelings for traditions, but one of the oldest traditions won’t happen this year thanks to a cranky ol’ St. Nick!In a shocking revelation, Santa Claus held a press conference this morning in the North...
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    Comments

    Don 🐝 Kerr
    22/12/2016 #1 Don 🐝 Kerr
    "You think I like smelling reindeer cracks?" @Patrick Scullin Never thought of it from this perspective butt (groan) he raises a fair point!
  11. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    15/12/2016
    Russians Open Consumer Tech Services Company
    Russians Open Consumer Tech Services CompanyCapitalizing on its success in hacking political email accounts, a new Russian enterprise has been launched in the United States.Called Geekski Squad, the tech services company will be affiliated with Best Buy stores.“Are proud to be in U.S.,”...
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  12. ProducerAbhilash Gaur

    Abhilash Gaur

    09/12/2016
    A demonetisation story for my 7-year-old
    A demonetisation story for my 7-year-old“Dad, tell me a story.”Not now, go to sleep.“Just one little story, please.”Okay, if you promise.“I promise.”A herd of…“Not like that. I want a real story.”All right. Long, long ago in a faraway land, there lived a very large herd of cattle. Do you...
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  13. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    07/12/2016
    World Leaders Strengthen Twitter Capabilities In Prep For Prez Trump
    World Leaders Strengthen Twitter Capabilities In Prep For Prez TrumpPrepare the safe room and stock the bomb shelter, come January 20, you may need to take cover!With the election of Donald J. Trump as President, the United States faces dangers never before imagined. “It’s going to be a different world,” confessed a...
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  14. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    01/12/2016
    Student Crushed By Evil Professor
    Student Crushed By Evil ProfessorCelia Davendale considers herself a strong person, but she recently claims to have been “decimated in a cruel and sadistic way” by her college professor, Dr. Sheila Felinbrowe, and has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her college.Ambien...
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    Comments

    Max🐝 J. Carter
    02/12/2016 #9 Max🐝 J. Carter
    A university is supposed to be a safe space for students. An incubator of protection and nurturing comfort.

    Since when?

    I have heard college is where you leave the incubator of mom and dad and learn to deal with the real world as it is.
    Paul Frank Gilbert
    02/12/2016 #8 Paul Frank Gilbert
    Wait a second! Upon further review it turns out that Mr. Dumpty did not simply fall ... but deliberately threw himself off that wall bolstered by rules that supported his taking his own life. This is really a story of empowerment and individual freedoms being marred by those making an effort to safe him. Clearly Celia, ill equipped to deal with the real world, needs more nurturing and support. This delicate flower will bloom greatly in someones window ... watered, fed and protected. Never to know the touch of a bee ... the wisp of a summer wind ... Now I need help!!
    Kevin Pashuk
    02/12/2016 #7 Kevin Pashuk
    ... next thing you know... Universities will teach that Santa Claus isn't real. Imagine the lawsuits then.
    Sean O'Hare
    02/12/2016 #6 Sean O'Hare
    LOL! Great Story! You call this humor but you're just taking reality and twisting it ever so slightly. I weep for society.
    Randy Keho
    01/12/2016 #5 Randy Keho
    Imagine her horror if she finds out the campus is still flying the American flag.
    David Hahn
    01/12/2016 #4 David Hahn
    [triggered]
    Phillip Hubbell
    01/12/2016 #3 Phillip Hubbell
    All the King's horses are political prisoners.
    Phil Friedman
    01/12/2016 #2 Phil Friedman
    Patrick, I hope you bite your tongue, as it pokes the inside of your cheek. Empathetic adman, indeed. Bull chips! You are a cold, callous, and sardonic bastard, without any empathy for those who require safe space, especially on social media. If that callous professor couldn't say something soothing about Mr. Dumpty, he should have kept his maw shut! And your making light of the poor student's sensitivities is beyond the pale. We on beBee expect better behavior. Shape up, or ship out... sir.
  15. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    20/11/2016
    Facebook To Stop Fake News And "Like" Accuracy
    Facebook To Stop Fake News And "Like" AccuracyToday, Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed that the popular site he founded would immediately eliminate any 'fake news' posted in its digital space.Zuckerberg made the announcement immediately following his solo performance of Man of La...
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    Comments

    Lori Mullins Johnson
    21/11/2016 #1 Lori Mullins Johnson
    Patrick, I am saddened by your lack of empathy for those of us who suffer from - "Like" Processing Sensory Disorder, that terribly underwhelmed feeling you get, when you don't get enough satisfaction from "Likes" on Facebook, but seek out fake news stories to increase activity in your dopamine receptors. I hear the treatment is EELectric Crock Therapy, perhaps Zuckerberg was simply multi-tasking?
  16. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    15/11/2016
    ‘The Situation’ Pondering Political Career
    ‘The Situation’ Pondering Political CareerLook out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the...
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  17. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    09/11/2016
    Thanksgiving Canceled Due To Potential Bloodshed
    Thanksgiving Canceled Due To Potential BloodshedNow that the dust has settled over the 2016 presidential election, it appears a wounded nation will not heal quickly as President Obama has officially canceled the traditional Thanksgiving holiday for all Americans.The president’s statement...
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  18. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    04/11/2016
    Nation Grips For Post-Election Depression
    Nation Grips For Post-Election DepressionThe citizens of the United States of America are electing a new leader on Tuesday, November 8, and that has many of them fearful.“I’m worried about depression,” said Melissa Redburney, “Not an economic one, but the sad boo-hoo-hoo kind.”Indeed! The...
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    Comments

    Aurorasa Sima
    04/11/2016 #1 Aurorasa Sima
    It´s true. I wished there would at least be an ad interrupting when I watch a youtube video. Or a mention on social media.
  19. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    29/10/2016
    Exclusive Dylan Interview
    Exclusive Dylan InterviewIt’s been a good year for singer/songwriter/author Bob Dylan. He recently was selected to receive the 2016 Nobel Prize in Literature, and back in May, he found his lucky guitar pick he lost in 1965. 51-years later–– Hello, it was in the pocket of...
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    Comments

    Jim Murray
    30/10/2016 #1 Jim Murray
    Cruel fun.
  20. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    18/10/2016
    Millions of Americans Conspire In “Rigged” Election
    Millions of Americans Conspire In “Rigged” ElectionThe Lint Screen has learned through an exhaustive journalistic deep dive that millions of Americans are conspiring against presidential candidate Donald J. Trump, just as he suspects.“He’s on to us,” said a shadowy figure who wished to remain...
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    Comments

    Jim Murray
    18/10/2016 #2 Jim Murray
    I can only echo your sentiments. I will rejoice at the epic fail of this deplorable, with his delusions of grandeur and his hollow threats, his non-platform, his undisclosed tax returns and his Stepford wives and children. I would call him scum, but real scum would get upset at being lumped in the same category. Good post. Scintillating dialogue and reportage. You deserve a Pulitzer indeed, sir.
    Kevin Pashuk
    18/10/2016 #1 Kevin Pashuk
    cc @Jim Able ... a satirical kindred spirit.
  21. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    05/10/2016
    Candidates To Wear Electric Debate Collars
    Candidates To Wear Electric Debate CollarsAfter numerous complaints of poor behavior during this campaign season, the League of Women Voters has decided that presidential candidates must wear electric shock collars in future debates.“We’ve seen Hillary and Donald square off, and it was...
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  22. Tommy McElroy, MD
    NSFW: Recently I have been watching the network news 100% more than in the past due to the debates being them. If you like me have not watched the news recently, here is an update of what you have missed.
    Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
    Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications...
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  23. ProducerPatrick Scullin

    Patrick Scullin

    28/09/2016
    Wells Fargo’s Stumpf Sentenced to Time With Warren
    Wells Fargo’s Stumpf Sentenced to Time With WarrenWells Fargo’s sleazy, scumbag, top dog bankster John Stumpf will forfeit $41 million in stock bonuses. The action is the result of the greedy bastard’s dictate to cheat customers by creating over two million bogus accounts in their names without...
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    Comments

    Jim Murray
    28/09/2016 #1 Jim Murray
    Ha Ha. I watched Warrant carve this guy a new one yesterday on YouTube. She's pretty amazing. I hope they make her head of the Department of Commerce or Secretary of the Interior.
  24. ProducerTommy McElroy, MD
    Thank-you Adele, on Behalf of Brad and Ange
    Thank-you Adele, on Behalf of Brad and AngeAs many of you are aware, Brad and Angelina have decided to go their separate ways. While I am usually practical about celebrity marriage, I have to admit this one took me by surprise. If any couple had the strength to stay together in this crazy...
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    Comments

    Lisa 🐝 Gallagher
    04/12/2016 #1 Lisa 🐝 Gallagher
    I'm always relieved when the news updates us on Celebrity marriages, what they buy, their fights... you know, all the things that are news worthy? Now, it's a shame people didn't pay more attention to US and World affairs. In other news, back to the Kardashians.
  25. Tommy McElroy, MD
    Today I turned on my television and the ABC network was on (I had been watching college football last). I had the privilege of taking in some hard-hitting news from ABC Nightly News with someone named David Muir I have now reconsidered my nearly two decade avoidance of network news. This story proves the importance of following mainstream media for world news, here is the story in case you missed it like I had.
    Tommy McElroy, MD
    'DWTS': Protesters Interrupt Ryan Lochte's Debut
    abcnews.go.com Police have arrested two men for allegedly trespassing during a live broadcast of the season 23 premiere of “Dancing With the Stars” tonight while a judge was critiquing the performance of U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. The incident caused a...
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