Aurorasa Sima en Empowerment, Lifestyle, Coaching and mentoring Emotional Intelligence Trainer / Empowermentalist / beBee Brand Ambassador • Aurorasa Coaching 23/11/2016 · 3 min de lectura · 1,2K

The Case Of Fake Gratitude

Are you hearing and reading a lot about gratitude lately? How do you feel when you hear "be grateful"? Grateful for the small things in life, thankful for the chance for growth from painful experience - does hearing that irritate you sometimes?

My mom has not been a good cook, to put it mildly. When I did not empty my plate, she used to say: "The people in the third world would be grateful for the food." And how often did grown-ups tell you to say "thank you" when you were still a kid. 

The Case Of Fake Gratitude

I am convinced that manners are a great cultural invention and helpful to get along with each other. But saying "thank you" automatically, as a reflex makes the word an empty shell. 


Why should people not express when they don´t like a present? Shouldn´t the goal be to express your emotions without fear of hurting someone else? And how about non-verbal expression? When my eyes light up, isn´t that enough?


Many people had internalized the reflex of "thank you" so much that they even say it when they did something for someone else or a person has been rude. 


The true gratitude challenge


The first step is to observe all of the times you thank someone. In which situation do you say "thank you"? For what do you thank people? Do you MEAN it?


For a week, you could only thank people when you truly feel it, not because someone expects you to. I will admit, that you might come across a bit anti-social. I will say that I enjoyed the task (:

We do not like to be told what to do. It creates resistance. That is normal, for nobody wants to follow orders.

He alone is free who lives with free consent under the entire guidance of reason. - Baruch Spinoza

Why we like good manners


What do we like about manners? If I do something polite for someone, I might get a smile in return or a "thank you." I feel acknowledged. My good manners and politeness create an echo. I thank you and you smile at me. You will have a better opinion of me.


Am I polite because I am feeling grateful or creating an echo and motivate you to a positive response?
What if someone is in a rush or rude and just ignores me? Will I be disappointed? Will I become judgemental and think something along the line of


  • This person has bad manners
  • What did I do to that person to react like this?


When you analyze these thoughts, you will come to the conclusion that you need that "thank you" to feel good and acknowledged. If I exaggerated I little bit, I could say: Your self-esteem depends on it. 


If it´s a good idea to depend on this kind of social acknowledgment is a question for another day.


What it is not is gratitude. 


What if nobody acknowledges your good manners and politeness for a whole day? Or week? Would you question yourself?



Gratitude is an attitude


Gratitude is crucial. It´s an essential component of happiness. Positive thoughts attract positive outcomes. Happy people achieve more.


In my life, gratitude is of paramount importance.


Manners are not gratitude. Doing something to get something in return is not gratitude. Gratitude is without expectation. It is not a reflex, a meaningless automatism


Gratitude is the way you face the world and how you connect with it.
To me, gratitude is related to not taking things for granted.


You probably never suffered from hunger in your life. Or thirst. Clean water is available through the taps in your bathroom, kitchen and in your shower. You probably were never homeless and always had a roof over your head.


Throughout your life, there was probably always someone who loved you.


We can be grateful for what we have, even though we have it every day. I could never relate to the quote: "You only know how much something means to you when you have lost it."

I am grateful every day for things that I always had. 


Gratitude for pain


Yes, we learn a lot from painful experiences. Through them, we became who we are now. Still, I would never tell people to be grateful for pain. That would be a bit cynical.


The feeling of gratefulness for negative experiences only manifests in retrospective. 


Mindfulness and gratitude


I have a fantastic exercise for you. This exercise is also a mindfulness practice. 


During the two weeks, analyze in which moments you are fully "there." Maybe a flower (or cool car) catches your eye? Or is your lunch tasty? Or perhaps when you look into the face of someone you love?


Each time, pause for 30 seconds and explore it with all of your senses. Be only at the moment and experience your emotions, breathing and "it." 


Before you go to sleep, let the day pass in front of your eyes. Retrieve the memories, relive them. You will be amazed that you will be able to recall moments that did not stand out. Enjoy the bath in the abundance of the memories of the day. 
After two weeks, reflect. What has changed since you started the exercise? What did you learn about yourself? What was the impact?


Did you feel gratitude? How does gratitude feel for you?


Maybe you decide that you will continue this exercise. Or you might want to come back to it from time to time. 






Picture Credit: Lilly Dong Photography




Aurorasa Sima 24/11/2016 · #14

#13 Thank you, Debasish! Glad you enjoyed it!

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debasish majumder 24/11/2016 · #13

wonderful post @Aurorasa Sima! enjoyed read. i truly mean 'Thank you' for sharing such exquisite post!

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Aurorasa Sima 24/11/2016 · #12

#4 Thank you so much, dear Annette! What an honor to be the author of the first article you read on here.

We are very happy that you joined @Annette Harris! I can´t wait to enjoy your articles. You mention that you are a blogger and I am positive you will find the engagement your posts are going to receive on beBee spectacular!

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Aurorasa Sima 24/11/2016 · #11

#7 Agreed. You can still feel grateful that they took the time and thought to go out and buy you that ugly Christmas sweater. I like YOUR attitude (:

I also often stay silent instead of making a person feel bad about themselves. Truth does not mean that there is an obligation to go around and hurt people, especially by giving unsolicited advice and opinion.

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Aurorasa Sima 24/11/2016 · #10

#9 Well, Tony, I don´t provide relationship coaching but I still happen to be able to help: That one requires neither manners nor gratitude. Just common sense. Your reply should reflect how you feel about: Do you want to spend the next 12 years in torment and misery?

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Tony Brandstetter 24/11/2016 · #9

Thank you Miss Manners, so in the case of your mum, not being a very good cook, you may not want to fib to her and say that the meal was good. Instead say, jeez mum, you worked so hard on preparing this food for us, thank you. You are not lying and you are showing gratitude for her effort. The problem I am faced with and I think many men have issues with is the saying, "Does this dress make me look fat"? I am still trying to figure that one out.

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Annette Harris 24/11/2016 · #8

#5 thank you i am a bit lost lol

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Hassan Aman 24/11/2016 · #7

Great read, @Aurorasa Sima. Indeed gratitude is crucial and I personally, if I don't like something, I would rather stay silent instead of saying or expressing something that might make someone I like feel bad. Hey, to avoid making others feel bad (especially for something they did with good intentions) is a form of gratitude too. Have a great one ahead.

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