Frozen In Time

"Cut the shit Bill...Wake up! It's Christmas and all your kids are here!"

That's my dads favorite nurse Kathy. She knows just how to get a response out of him...however small. I can almost see him smiling and thinking, "Who the hell invited you!" The stroke took his voice away but not his spirit...not yet anyway. We are grateful for these precious moments. His time is running out.

The holidays are the busiest time of the year. Everyone goes about their business in a mad rush. But for us, time is standing still. For me, there is no greater use of my time than being here with you dad. This is MY TIME...To be here for you.

As I sit here listening to you breathe, I never thought I would be so happy to hear you snore like that. I remember the stories your closest friends have shared with us. I'm so glad we could all be here in the same room...playing your guitar and singing for you. You so delighted in music, even if we were a little off key. That was a very special gift for all of us to share in our memory of you.

"No time for being lady-like out here; Bait your own hook, free your own catch and pee in a coffee can."

Time is standing still...I have not moved for hours and yet I am utterly exhausted. I try to write, but the words do not come. A distant memory crackles across the airwaves..."Breaker 1-9...Has anyone seen the Grey Ghost? He knows where all the fish are at!" Yup, they really do talk like that;-) Love those guys!

One time, dad caught me at the back of the boat trying to release his catch. "You can't come with me anymore if you can't handle it," He scolded. Damned fish...Stop looking at me like that! Why do I have to be such a girl?

No time for being lady-like out here. Bait your own hook, free your own catch and pee in this...A coffee can...Really? Okay, I guess he's trying to toughen me up a little. Now get with the program here. Up at four, lines over the side of the boat by five and no whining...We're not going in until I have enough fish for everybody. Damn...He loved that boat so much he named it after his wife...Or was it the other way around;-)

"Watch out for those baited hooks Miss Cyndi; We do not want to see you back here too soon."

I doze momentarily while living images flash before me. I see how this all works now...how these "moments" are all lived simultaneously in the libraries of our minds. Time itself is all "ONE" moment.

My left hand hovers over a gentle flame. It does not burn me, however I feel the heat of its light licking at my fingers. There is a soft rhythmical percussion permeating my upper back while I am being pierced deeply with a needle straight through the heart. I arch upward at them, and they giggle in delight at the release of my pain. Now that Miss Cyndi, is the anger pin.

That's for sure. I've been holding onto that for decades. It is time now to let it all go. They turn me over and thoroughly examine me from head to toe before releasing me back into the current. "Watch out for those baited hooks Miss Cyndi," I hear them say. "We do not want to see you back here too soon."

"Grow into yourself, and stop chasing your father's shadow."

How many lives can one possibly have? I think for body workers it's about nine, like a cat. I've been through at least six or seven...but I'm not sure as I've lost count. My body however, is very well aware of the score and is not the least bit fooled by my diversions. Fooling yourself and others is easy, but to fool your own body? Not a snowballs chance in hell.

I awaken to the squeeze of your hand. Even as you lay there dying, I am still impressed by your amazing strength. I always knew you were the man of steel...and Superman does not go down without a fight. Damn those are big shoes to fill. I am reminded of a quote I heard recently, "Grow into yourself and stop chasing your father's shadow." Phew, that takes the pressure off! Thank you to whoever said that.

My sister comes in and offers me a bottle of water. I have some I tell her, but she insists that I try hers. It is Smart Water..."You'll really like this," she says. " It has electrolytes in it." No shit...I had no idea I was drinking stupid water all these years! What the hell was I thinking???

"Perhaps it is time for us to redefine what we consider to be Death With Dignity."

You are struggling now. Active dying they call it. In case you are wondering what the hell the difference is, let me clarify it for you. Arms and legs begin to flail around in pain...breathing becomes very rapid, then slows...then rapid again. Struggling to breathe through the secretions clogging the airway. Sweaty...so sweaty. Bluing of the fingers and toes...Mottling they call it. And cold, so very cold. I hate it when my hands and feet are cold!

Soon dad...Very soon, I promise. How long does this have to go on? I've seen this phase last a week the nurse says. Seriously? It's already been eleven days without food or water. Why the hell do we have to wait?

There is obviously no turning back at this point. We all know where this is going. Why can't we help him? Oh yeah right, I forgot. That's against the law. Crazy isn't it? Nobody would allow their beloved pet such a demise. Perhaps it is time for us to redefine what we consider to be "Death With Dignity."

It is 2:00 am, New Years Eve...I get the call...Happy New Year Dad...RIP

About the Author:

Cyndi is a licensed and Certified Massage and Bodywork Professional, Writer and Energetic Channel in the Greater Boston, Massachusetts Area

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