Dave Worthen

4 years ago · 5 min. reading time · ~100 ·

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Responsibility & The Burning Match: Whose Matchstick is it Anyway?

Responsibility & The Burning Match: Whose Matchstick is it Anyway?

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Responsibility is one of those words that when you read it, it carries with it this unspoken thread of DNA that makes you sit up a bit straighter, you know?

“It’s your responsibility…”

“You’re responsible for the companies market growth.”

See?

I mean when you hear “It’s your responsibility” it’s not like you keep channel surfing your cable TV.

You stop when you hear this word.

Because why?

Because the word responsibility does not exist by itself.

It’s root word is response.

Response:an answer or reply, as in words or in some action.”

Meaning to answer up.

Right.

So when you hear this word, and I’m talking when your boss says, “Who is responsible for leaving our door unlocked after we closed last night?” you may shudder slightly even though you were not the last one leaving the office last night.

Because the “Who is responsible…” question wakes up the entire fire department inside your soul.

Your attention is on full alert at your executive meeting as this responsible strand of DNA does a somersault with a full twist in your stomach.

And why is this?

Because responsible has a roommate that hangs out in the basement of your soul.

Sometimes when he or she shows up unexpectedly you act shocked like you have no idea what he or she is doing there.

Their name?

Irresponsible.

I know, right?

You read that word and you feel if you touch it you might get leprosy.

Just FYI: He moved in in the middle of the night.

And it’s uncanny because when you come home he’s never there. But something’s up when you go to the refrigerator and want to make a protein shake and the milk carton is almost empty.

Not completely, though.  

Which prompts the question you blurt out at a higher decibel to no one in the kitchen.

“Who the hell left the milk carton like this????!!”

Yep.

That be him.

You checked his references right?

Irresponsible:

  • not responsible, answerable, or accountable.

  • not showing or done with due care for the consequences of one's actions or attitudes.

Geez.

He lives with you?

Not you, right?

Responsibility, Irresponsibility and Your Heebie-Jeebies:

Listen: You may never have understood why you get the heebie jeebies when irresponsible shows up.

It’s actually quite startling.

But you have to pay close attention.

Like slowing a video down frame by frame.

See, when you take responsibility for someone or something, the split second you do, the consequences of taking responsibility are born.

Picture this:

You light a match. Foomph!

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At that exact moment you are fully responsible. You don’t think much about it because you’re just lighting a match.

But if you examine this a bit closer, you will understand that inherent in lighting the match is your knowingness and responsibility of what happens as the matchstick burns.

You do not light the match willy-nilly.

You light it knowing it as a shelf life.

See?

You have an invisible hourglass or internal time sense that there are consequences to having lit that match.

You do not just light the match while holding it and feeding your baby.

Ever hold onto a match a little bit too long?

The closer the flame gets to the end of the match, the cells in your fingers are screaming at you to put that fucking flame out!

And listen consequences can be good or bad depending on what?

Your level of responsibility.

Elaine: “Honey let’s have kids!”

Michael: “Okay!”

Elaine: “Will you get up with me in the middle of the night when needed?”

Michael: “Yes, of course!”

They light that match.

A bundle of joy arrives.

And a bundle of poopy diapers.

Elaine: “Honey, Megan’s crying. Can you go check on her?”

“Honey….?”

Now that flame is moving down that matchstick.

There is no problem if the husband gets up and checks on baby Megan.

Taking responsibility zeros out the movement of the flame.

See?

Someone at the office was the last person out and did not take responsibility to ensure the office door was locked.

Now the consequence of that becomes the subject of the Executive meeting the next morning.

So, at the Executive meeting everyone looks around nervously at each other.

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This is silly.

George: (raising his hand) “It was probably me. I left about 9. I thought others were still here. But I’ll take responsibility for this.”

Taking responsibility zeros out the movement of the flame.

Poof!

Someone took responsibility.

George may or may not have been the last one out.

Margaret could be sitting there sweating bullets because she left at 9:40. But consequence was telling her to shut-the-fuck up.

See, this is where your heebie-jeebies were born.

Everyone at the meeting had the heebie-jeebies. Even the woman who left early.

Why?

Because inherent in all of us is a sense of responsibility.

Who’s office door is it anyway?

If you didn’t have some responsibility for your office, you would not feel this. 

That you assume some responsibility for your office, you do.

See?

And when irresponsibility enters the room, every single cell in our body wakes up like it's a fire drill.

Even if you were not the last one out.

Listen, both of these words, responsible and irresponsible are buzzwords.

You want to be responsible.

But you don’t want to be called out for being irresponsible.

The reason this word gives us the heebie-jeebies is because we have been irresponsible.

See?

We still have irresponsible cooties running through our veins.

So when the person leaves the near empty milk carton in the fridge we feel those cooties.

Because why?

Because we have done the same.

Getting up in the middle of the night to handle Megan’s cry? Who’s turn is it by the way?

Turn?

You mean like shooting at metal milk bottles to win a giant Teddy Bear at the Fair?

The next mornings argument between Elaine and Michael at breakfast is about what?

It’s lofting back and forth verbal grenades about who was supposed to get up or not in the middle of the night to handle baby Megan.

And this conversation goes nowhere because they are talking about the consequence of someone not taking responsibility.  

The entire conversation is irresponsible!

The flame is where on this match?

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So, how do you make this morning war of words go Poof?

Michael:Sorry about last night, babe. That was on me. I should have gotten up. I was just dead tired.”

Poof!

Taking responsibility zeros out the movement of the flame.

The Only Time Responsibility Burns:

The toughest part about taking responsibility is not saying you will be responsible or even taking responsibility for your duties whether you’re at home or at work.

If making dinner for your family is your hat and responsibility then you just do it. There’s no problem when dinner is made.

If you say you and your spouse are going to take responsibility for ensuring your kid doesn't do drugs, and then you find out he or she has, what often occurs?

Fast forward to Michael and Elaine:

Michael: “I’m at work all day. That’s Elaine’s hat. She takes Megan to and from school.”

I see. And let me see. Elaine works too, yes?

Michael: “Well...yes...but she and Megan are tight, you know?”

Yes, I actually do know.

I know that when the flame of that match begins to burn your skin, it’s not your match.

See, in truth the only problem with taking responsibility is after the match is lit.

Anyone can light the match.

And whether it’s an unlocked door, a baby crying in the middle of the night, or a teenager on drugs, this is the land of the burning matchstick.

This is where confronting one’s own responsibility takes on a whole new light.

When I counsel individuals or couples, what do you think is the essence of what I do?

It’s handling each when the match has burned the fingers of both parties.

And what is it that they usually say?

They usually have “the reason” why their finger got burned unaware they were holding onto a relationship match.

The truth is neither would say anything or point to the other if they were fully responsible for the match, lighting the match, and the outcome of the flame.

By willing to take full responsibility it’s impossible for there to be a problem.

Impossible.

The next time you find yourself in an argument or some miscommunication where the temperatures of each of your souls have broken the mercury, just look at the fact that to be in that argument or quarrel, there has to be one or both parties not taking full responsibility for the other.

It's simple:

Taking responsibility zeros out the movement of the flame.


Dave Worthen

Author. Consultant. International Speaker.

Website: www.daveworthen.com

Books: Dave Worthen Books


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Dave Worthen

4 years ago #1

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Thank you for stopping byLauren Irwin-Szostak!

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