The Crux of Your Problem: The Look, No-Look Moment
There is this phenomena that you go through when you look at a situation that is uncomfortable and then instantaneously not-look at it.
You sort of bounce off of what you are looking at.
You look at the condition and then not-look at it in almost the same moment.
Because you can’t quite believe what you are looking at.
It’s the Not-Look Moment.
You look at your checkbook balance and then immediately you not-look. You know like, this can’t be.
Your awareness switches back and forth seemingly at the speed of light, between being aware of what you’re looking at, and not believing what you’re looking at.
Look. Not-Look. Bing. Bing.
But the truth is, you’re still looking.
You’re paying your bills and see your wife’s purchase from Nordstroms. You’re looking right at it, but your perception bounced off that bad-boy like a super ball. You may even squint your eyes like maybe you didn’t really see what you are looking at and somehow squinting will change the numbers.
You are in the Not-Look Moment.
Or, you’re doing QuickBooks and you observe your husbands trip to the sporting goods store was ummmm...in the hundreds...hundreds x seven...for ummmm...hunting shit.
“$785.97 for some fucking bows and arrows?!!
You look, and then in practically that same instant you cannot actually reconcile what you are looking at.
You are now in Not-Look Land.
It’s where you cannot believe what you are looking at so you try to not-is or not-look or look-away from what is right there in front of you.
And we’ve all caught ourselves looking several more times, “just to be sure.”
It’s just too funny.
Be sure of what?
That the numbers on the page are in fact the numbers on the page?
The action of not-looking presupposes that you are still in fact looking but trying to Not-Look. You know, like it’s not really there. It’s not true.
Well, “there” and “true” are involved in describing the experience so it’s still “there” and still “true.”
It’s early a.m. and your thirteen-year old daughter has to eat breakfast and catch her bus to school. She walks in while you’re washing dishes from making your husbands breakfast. You look over and smile and are about to ask her if she’d like some pancakes for breakfast. But before you can say a single word, your daughter sits down, looks up at you, and in a forthright voice tells you she’s gay.
It happens so fast you lose your grip on the dish you’re washing and hear it crash and break your husband’s favorite orange juice glass he’s had since college.
In a billionth of a second you Looked, Not-Looked at your daughter and what she just said.
And oh. By the way, Look has a sister.
Her name is Hearing.
You Hear, Not-Hear what your daughter just said. In the same moment you Looked and Not-Looked at your husbands orange juice glass broken right across the “49'ers” logo of his favorite football team. You cringed.
You were even aware that you looked at all of that and were trying not to look at any of it, right?
Because looking is a perception channel. It’s wide, wide open in any given instant of time.
In truth you could look at ten or twenty things in one instant of time.
When people are in a car accident, they rarely recall everything they “looked at” until they are asked to recount what happened.
And then upon recounting, various things they had looked at open up and come into view. “Oh my god! The policeman was not the first person to help me! It was a man in a gray jogging suit who came running from across the street. I completely blocked that out!”
That’s right. Look. Not-Look.
Sometimes, even occlude. But it was there.
It’s always there.
Look is always the first moment.
Good, bad, or ugly.
You and your wife sit down with your sixteen year-old son who’s been behaving out of character of late, to have a little family chit-chat. He’s oddly distant. If you didn’t know better you’d think he was on drugs. But not your son. He sits across from you like both of you are aliens. He’s glancing between you and his cell phone about a gazillion times. His attitude of “How long is this chit-chat going to take?” permeates the kitchen.
Long enough to find out he’s been smoking pot and had sex with with Kara, the fifteen-year old girl who’s parents you met briefly last weekend.
You and your wife are Looking and Hearing, but you are also in the same moment Not-Looking and Not-Hearing.
You don’t need to squint, but goddamn, is that your son you’re looking at? I mean, really?
You cannot believe what you just heard so you both bounce off of that and Look Away.
And then you look at each other.
Like you have to check with your partner to verify they heard what you heard.
Because you are both now in I-Did-Not-Hear-That-Land.
So you Look at each other. Like looking at each other is this telepathic verification process of some kind.
When you are in the I-Did-Not-Hear-That-Land you are wandering around in space with no oxygen line to your astronaut suit. You are losing oxygen and floating further from Earth.
“Houston...we have a problem…”
You will have a problem if you bounce off of what you are looking at and carom around the inside of your head.
Listen: We all Look, Not-Look.
That’s the first thing to be honest about.
You’re a sentient, aware, perceptive being.
You look at things and people and situations all day long.
Now, here’s what’s important:
Not-Look is not the opposite of Look.
It’s not like Look is one side of the coin and Not-Look is the flip side.
No, heads is entirely different than tails. Hello. It’s a head!
Look, Not-Look, is a “not-ising” (saying to yourself “it is not”) what you are looking at while you’re looking at it.
It’s the same side of the coin.
Your son just admitted he’s smoking pot and having sex with a fifteen year old girl.
You heard it. You even tried to Not-Hear it, right?
The key is that when you are looking and really confronting what you are looking at, you shouldn’t be Not-Looking.
The problem with people is once they go into Not-Look Land, they then bounce from perceiving to reacting.
"Are you fucking telling me those shoes you wore to dinner last night cost over five-hundred bucks??!!
The problem is not the shoes or the price. It’s not your daughter announcing she’s gay. It’s not your son telling you he smoked pot and had underage sex.
If you bounce off of what you are looking at or hearing or perceiving, you will float-off like an untethered astronaut gulping for air. Your perception of your son, daughter, friend or colleague will get more distant, like your view of planet Earth getting smaller and smaller.
You will get caught up in the nebula of your own internal mental politics of not-looking or perceiving.
And when you are in that land, I’m sorry...
Elvis has left the building.
Oh yea. I forgot to tell you.
Look has another sibling. A big brother.
His name is Confront.
Once you look at that receipt or what your son, daughter, friend, or colleague has said, you then have to confront it.
Now, this is where you need to put your big boy pants on.
When people are faced with uncomfortable situations with family, friends or colleagues, often times these situations are a tad uncomfortable to confront.
Sometimes big-time uncomfortable.
The truth is, when your mind cannot get it’s wits around what you are looking at, it’s more a statement or comment about your own inability to look at and confront the very thing you’re bouncing off of.
You may need to read that again.
You get a bill or ticket you weren’t expecting and you open it up, look at it, look-not-look at the amount, get upset about the amount, take the envelope and ticket and stick it in a drawer, etc.
That’s a Look, Not-Look Moment.
And now, unfortunately, you have moved over into reacting to the amount and that reaction and emotion can begin snowballing and in some cases ruin your day.
Or in truth your marriage.
You ever heard this?
“I just don’t want to talk about it.”
That’s you having looked at the situation with your spouse or partner, then you bounce off of it because you cannot fathom that they did what they did, or said what they said. You Look, Not-Look, and Play-Replay what was said in your heated argument.
You are so angry you bounce off of it like they have scurvy, and your final statement in the matter is:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Most situations people are having a problem with are the situations that they have bounced off of confronting, and are now reacting to.
There is a solution.
I offer a proprietary test and no-charge 45-minute consultation that shows exactly those areas you are bouncing off of and reacting to.
You will be amazed/shocked/surprised at its accuracy.
And before your Look, Not-Look and bounce off of this, the consultation is similar to your doctor going over your x-ray. I will not pitch or sell you anything. Your results will be eye-opening to say the least. I will want you to walk away after your consultation and confront your test results.
If you decide you want some tools and coaching to address and improve these areas we can talk again.
Right now I can assure you that there are situations you are bouncing off of. If you are ready to make some real changes in your life, take the test by clicking the link below. And f you did nothing more than get your free consultation from me, your ability to confront your situation will have come way up and that alone is worth your time and mine.
Here’s the link to the test.