Dawn Kieran en Self Discovery, self awareness, Self-Improvement Certified Loan Signing Agent • Self Employed 1/11/2016 · 1 min de lectura · +300

I feel like I can barely see...

I feel like I can barely see...

This quote from a song is perfect for me today. I will turn 50 in January. I got married to my husband Charles in 2001. We have had our ups and downs as most people do. But, 2016 has been all about taking control and making changes for me. And, if I am to be honest I do not have a handle on anything. I am scared, stressed and trying to make ends meet. This all started when I had to go out on disability due to my neck surgery a three-level anterior cervical discectomy where they removed C4, C5 and C6 and replaced them with spacers. And followed by weight lost surgery because we realized most of my pain is from diabetic neuropathy. So I opted for sleeve gastrectomy surgery where they make my stomach a pouch the size of a banana. I just want to feel normal again and maybe not be so self conscious about my weight. I still cannot lift with my left arm yes, the arm I write with. I also cannot lift my arm all the way. At least I am not crying in the shower when I try to wash my hair anymore. I still have pain and headaches daily.

I am sitting here thinking I wanted a day to pause and reflect. Then my business got a call for a loan signing tonight. I accepted and prepped the document. But, I still need to find time for myself somewhere. So here I sit staring out my office window in my house. Will I make it with my business? Was this the right decision? Should I just look for a job just a few months in because money is real tight? It seems though every day I plan to take some alone time or take myself out of the  house to get right in the head someone calls to offer me a job/loan signing. My business may not break even with all the money and time and classes I paid for this year since I only started this process in July 2016.

I feel lost like I cannot see what the right thing to do is right now. Some days I am ready to give up and others I feel alright with my decisions. I know the weight loss was right for me. I know I needed to try and relieve this pain. But, my choice to work for myself as a Certified Loan Signing Agent and have my own business. I just don't know and I feel like I can't catch my breath to figure it all out. I feel guilty if I miss a job or have to decline a job because I am already booked at that time. And today when I needed a mental day I felt obligated to take the offer.

Tomorrow I go to my pain management doctor after two months on my new medications. I take Lyrica and Percocet daily just to get through the day. Maybe then I can take some time to myself after and relax. I feel like if I don't I will break. I feel I have lost control of my situation and just go through the motions accepting jobs out of desperation and need even when my mind is not right. I need to get myself together for my appointment. Thank you for listening or reading and offering suggestions.


Laura Mikolaitis 2/11/2016 · #5

@Dawn Kieran, there are a million cliches that I could share with you, but I will refrain. I could say that I understand how you feel. But I don't. But I do understand sinking into that abyss and feel that the weight on your chest is so heavy that you are gasping for air. I understand struggle and I understand pain. Each person's experience is different. You are taking brave first steps - putting how you feel into words. @Irene Hackett is right. It is cathartic, and I can tell you from my own experience that it does help. I started writing in 2015. My mom had passed away the year before and I wrote from a broken and sad place. But between writing, exchanging stories, and making sure that I made time a certain number of days a week to get out and walk has brought me to a much happier and healthier place in my life. It isn't easy. And some days, it just plain stinks. But I believe that each day is an opportunity. And each day that we fight the fight, we grow stronger. When my husband was diagnosed with Cancer in 2007, some days felt completely overwhelming. On those days, I tackled life an hour at a time. The point is, do what works for you. Even if it is only 10 minutes a day where you take a walk, meditate, or write, expend that energy for you. I wish you well, Dawn.

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Dawn Kieran 2/11/2016 · #4

@Chris Dixon I still have your number... I am just happy to find you online again and I am enjoying this blog spot so far been a day.

Chris Dixon 2/11/2016 · #3

@Dawn Kieran, forgive the bumperstickerism, sis, but this one remains nearly always accurate: this, too, shall pass. My number is still the same. DM if you need it again. In the spirit of less written commentary here being more, I'll simply look forward to enjoying an honest-to-goodness yacking session at your convenience. Cheers, bela. =)

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Irene Hackett 2/11/2016 · #2

This sounds like a very difficult phase, @Dawn Kieran - and I agree with @Deb Helfrich's wisdom - to take a moment to breathe & write. Writing can be very cathartic. One day at a time. Know that nothing stays the same forever. Stay connected to others. Those calls you are getting for work may be more of a blessing than a hindrance. My husband of 4 years was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer & given only 3 months to live. That was a little over 5 years ago & he is strong and feeling great! After the initial shock of the diagnosis- we decided to give it to God and took one day at a time. Somehow he remained positive despite having a feeding tube for several months, losing his hair and experiencing great great discomfort through the chemo & radiation. As soon as he could he began walking - he walks an average of 5 miles a day. He went back to work as soon as he could even though he did not have to. He just kept on living one day at a time. Wishing you strength and healing -

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Deb 🐝 Helfrich 1/11/2016 · #1

So much change and pain, @Dawn Kieran. It is almost impossible to make a decision in those circumstances that is a forward action, not a reaction. Perhaps just breathe into where you are right now. Everything almost never changes at once.

Focus on your health, as you seem in a good place, with smart priorities. And then, as you are smartly doing. Write about it. Everything. Explaining it to others is sometimes how we best explain things to ourselves.

Much happened to me this last year out of the blue. I tried to rush to a future and caused problems I did not foresee.

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