I feel like I can barely see...
This quote from a song is perfect for me today. I will turn 50 in January. I got married to my husband Charles in 2001. We have had our ups and downs as most people do. But, 2016 has been all about taking control and making changes for me. And, if I am to be honest I do not have a handle on anything. I am scared, stressed and trying to make ends meet. This all started when I had to go out on disability due to my neck surgery a three-level anterior cervical discectomy where they removed C4, C5 and C6 and replaced them with spacers. And followed by weight lost surgery because we realized most of my pain is from diabetic neuropathy. So I opted for sleeve gastrectomy surgery where they make my stomach a pouch the size of a banana. I just want to feel normal again and maybe not be so self conscious about my weight. I still cannot lift with my left arm yes, the arm I write with. I also cannot lift my arm all the way. At least I am not crying in the shower when I try to wash my hair anymore. I still have pain and headaches daily.
I am sitting here thinking I wanted a day to pause and reflect. Then my business got a call for a loan signing tonight. I accepted and prepped the document. But, I still need to find time for myself somewhere. So here I sit staring out my office window in my house. Will I make it with my business? Was this the right decision? Should I just look for a job just a few months in because money is real tight? It seems though every day I plan to take some alone time or take myself out of the house to get right in the head someone calls to offer me a job/loan signing. My business may not break even with all the money and time and classes I paid for this year since I only started this process in July 2016.
I feel lost like I cannot see what the right thing to do is right now. Some days I am ready to give up and others I feel alright with my decisions. I know the weight loss was right for me. I know I needed to try and relieve this pain. But, my choice to work for myself as a Certified Loan Signing Agent and have my own business. I just don't know and I feel like I can't catch my breath to figure it all out. I feel guilty if I miss a job or have to decline a job because I am already booked at that time. And today when I needed a mental day I felt obligated to take the offer.
Tomorrow I go to my pain management doctor after two months on my new medications. I take Lyrica and Percocet daily just to get through the day. Maybe then I can take some time to myself after and relax. I feel like if I don't I will break. I feel I have lost control of my situation and just go through the motions accepting jobs out of desperation and need even when my mind is not right. I need to get myself together for my appointment. Thank you for listening or reading and offering suggestions.