Mating Rituals – Homo Sapiens
The very survival of the human race, or any species for that matter, is dependent upon procreation. Thankfully we humans have mastered the techniques of procreation, even so far as coming up with encyclopedic lists of different methods in which to ensure reproduction.
Unfortunately for some, these lists are meaningless without a mate of the opposite sex, and to get a mate, one must master the mating ritual.
Mating rituals are not unique to our species - Male giraffes bump their head against the rear end of a female in order to make her urinate. The male then tastes the urine in order to ascertain the female’s desirability factor. Male giraffes will often neck fight each other to display their prowess in front of the lady.
In the world of Avifauna (birds to you and me), the male red-capped Manakin creates a high pitched sound by beating its wings together at high speed and then proceeds to do a Michael Jackson moonwalk on a twig or a branch (I am not making this up!).
Not every male human can master the moonwalk, but courtship does often involve the human dance, a risky proposition for many since the female may often instantaneously disappear from sight, crumbling the confidence of the male performer and crushing his dreams to produce offspring.
Not all is lost however since there are other methods that can be employed to ensnare the female. One such technique has been scientifically proven to work on 52.8% of the female population, but is rarely used.
The technique is often called a Donut, and it is a relatively simple maneuver that can often lead to the female having accentuated breasts nine months later.
The first step of this technique involves the theft or purchase of a man made contraption called a car. Ideally this car will have an engine in the front, but be powered by two wheels at the back. With the female sitting firmly beside the male, the male can proceed to drive the contraption with the female completely unaware of any ulterior motive. The destination for the ritual will be a parking area, or ideally an ocean front airport runway.
The male then places the car in first gear and launches from a standstill to a speed of around 20km per hour. Changing to second gear, he will then twist the circular wheel with his hands to start a circle. With foot on the accelerator he should feel the rear wheels start to lose traction at which point he will pump and release another foot peddle called a clutch. He will keep one foot on the accelerator pedal keeping the engine revving high, whilst finding a balance with the other peddle, lifting off gently, but never fully. At this point, the females claws should have found their way to the male’s knee as she acts terrified at the thought of missing out on her bridesmaid opportunity at her friend Sharon’s ritual climax. The male will continue this maneuver using his delicate touch on the circular wheel, whilst performing a perfect dance routine with his two feet. Three circles will usually result in the female in an alerted state of sexual arousal at which point the male can proceed to exit the resulting smoke ring and onwards to his nest.
For convenience, I leave you with a quick demonstration of this technique sans female mating partner. I do note, for scientific purposes that I am one of the 47.2%.
Dean Owen is Co-Founder of Quimojo, a revolutionary new concept in Global Campus Recruitment.