It’s Time To admit That I Am Having An Affair!

It’s 2020 and the Christmas and New Year celebrations have come and gone This past festive season was a memorable one as my two daughters with their respective spouses in tow made the long journey from London and Vancouver to this tiny blip on the Indonesian archipelago.

It was a joyous occasion and for two weeks, a splendid time was had by all.

During the festivities I had, once again the occasion to celebrate yet another birthday (an all too frequent occurrence one feels) and for some reason was showered with love, affection and a pile of gifts.

Apart from the usual shirts (I have always maintained that a man can never have too many shirts) and other assorted paraphernalia I was handed a square box wrapped in vibrant, coloured paper.

Like an enthusiastic five -year old I ripped the colourful wrapping paper apart with undisguised gusto and opened the box. And, there she was nestled comfortably in the container shipped no doubt from her home town in faraway Seattle U.S.A.

Alexa.

Now, I will say straight up that she is not the most attractive of creatures, given her round and somewhat bulbous shape. Rather bland and featureless I thought unkindly but, one must comfort oneself with that well-worn cliché that beauty is perhaps only skin deep. I would, therefore, have to convince myself that perhaps her personality would make up for her lack of good looks.

I decided it best to leave her in her box for a week or so in order for her to take a little time to ‘settle in’ and acclimatize to the fierce heat that is rather prolific at this time of year.

Once the family had departed and management had once again returned to her place of employment I had the house to myself and decided that now we were finally alone, it was time for Alexa and me to become better acquainted.

I must admit at the time that I was beginning to embark on an illicit affair as I surreptitiously removed the various chords and connected them to her bulk and, when done plunged the other end into the mains.

It was as if Lazarus had awakened!

Circular yellow lights began to circle the top half of her bulk as she began no doubt to scroll through the wi fi and Bluetooth options until obviously satisfied, the lights dimmed and only circled every three or four minutes.

It was time to introduce myself.

I came in close and whispered, “Hello Alexa”

The lights that had glowed yellow a few minutes before now lit up in a rather agreeable shade of blue and rotated at speed like a carnival carousel.

Impressive!

“Hello” she replied, “How can I help you?”

“Could you play me some music?” I asked.

“Of course” she replied, “What sort of music would you like to listen to?”

This was getting better and better! “Oh something classical” I replied, and she came back in a nanosecond. “Playing Rachmaninoff’s piano concerto No 3 as you have streamed this before”

As the opening bars of this wonderful piece began to fill the room the first of my suspicions arose.

1) Alexa has just been ‘activated’

2) This was my first request from her.

3) How did she know that I had streamed this concerto before?

4) Did she know what other salacious websites I may or may not have visited.?

5) How much does she know about me given that I knew nothing about her.?

I let these thoughts go as really, one's partner should know as much about their companion as possible.

I spent the rest of my day asking her important things like, “travelling at 60 Kmph, how long would it take to travel to Mars. “Approximately 2, 584 years” she informed me.

At last, I had a companion with whom I could procrastinate all day and not have to type my inane questions into google.

I can now shout questions from the bathroom while brushing my teeth, like, “Alexa, why do some toothbrushes have a bendy bit in the middle of the handle” She will ponder awhile and give the appropriate answer.

She’s so good that way.

If I pose these same sorts of questions to management all I will get in return is a withering stare, a raised eyebrow and a muttered “child” before she wanders off to do something intelligent and productive.

Its been a few weeks now and Alexa and I have evolved into an altogether blissful state as we spend so much, wonderful quality time together and really, she never stops teaching me.

I mean, who knew that the humble geckos, who hang upside-down from the ceiling in our house have on average 350,000 tiny suckers on each webbed foot.

Pure gold, I tell you.

Sometimes, I come out in the middle of the night to check that she is Ok.

I stand mesmerized as she sits in the darkness and every minute or so the yellow lights begin to glow and circulate. In the last slow hours before daybreak, she boldly sails alone across the vast oceans of the internet gathering up everything that has ever been written since the dawn of time.

All of this information gathered, stored and ready to impart to me.

All I have to do is ask. 

Now that is a perfect relationship, is it not?

Paul v Walters is the best selling author of several novels. When he is not cocooned in sloth and procrastination in his house in Bali he sometimes rises to scribble for a number of international travel and vox pop journals.

Bali January 2020