Ian Weinberg

6 years ago · 2 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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Reflections in a cemetery

Reflections in a cemetery



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I suppose it’s inevitable that visits to a cemetery inspire us to pause and to reflect upon our mortality. I have found myself often reflecting upon my own life, with its trials and tribulations and acknowledging that all whose mortal remains lie six foot below the surface upon which I stand, experienced similar events in the course of their own lifetimes. And suddenly those ‘big’ issues that test us in daily life melt in the face of the reality that it all comes to this – the end of life, it’s experiences, it’s emotions and yes, even its wealth!

Since I’m the last living relative in this part of the world, I’m officially designated as the ‘carer of the graves’ of those long gone, by the extended family now living abroad. On one occasion, a cousin of mine was visiting and asked me to take her to see her late father’s grave. She lived in California and at the time of his death was heavily pregnant and couldn’t travel across for his funeral. And so as the official ‘carer of the graves’ I accompanied her to the graveside. And there without warning occurred a gut-wrenching outpouring of grief followed by a spontaneous reflection of her earliest nurture years. In fascination I witnessed the deepest of psychoanalytic events prompted by physically being at the graveside of a parent – one of the core players in the nurture space. I remember reflecting that perhaps the most effective psychotherapy could be that which is conducted at the graveside of a deceased parent. Confronted by our finite mortality and being powerfully prompted by the memory of the late nurturer may well result in many more dramatic and cathartic breakthroughs.

I recently attended the funeral of one of our close friend’s mother. She had died barely six months following the death of her husband. They had lived a full life into their early nineties and had been married for seventy years! I had observed how mom’s health deteriorated literally from the moment that her late husband had died. She immediately started losing weight, becoming terminally emaciated at the time of her death. Towards the end there was evidence of multi-organ failure together with the appearance of a highly malignant cancer. From my perspective it was a clear manifestation of the emotional effects on body structure and function. It’s a study which has fascinated me for more than thirty five years. Following a profound loss, the individual enters a space characterized by an almost terminal dearth of meaning and purpose. And unless they find new meaning and purpose to provide the safety net, death soon becomes inevitable. In regard to the death of a spouse following on soon after the passing of a life-long partner, I would propose that the passing of the remaining partner may well be due to a broken heart. And indeed it is documented that one can in fact die of a broken heart.

The broken heart syndrome, also called takotsubo syndrome (named after an octopus trap in Japanese), is associated with a rapid ballooning of the left ventricle. It typically follows on after great emotional distress. Most individuals survive but a small percentage of individuals succumb to the condition. It was proposed that the actress Debbie Reynolds succumbed to the broken heart syndrome within days of the death of her actress daughter Carrie Fisher.

It is not surprising therefore that much fine prose and poetry have been inspired by visits to cemeteries. The Dutch writer Cees Nooteboom made a point of visiting cemeteries and specific graves to derive the inspiration to write. Similarly the writer James Silas Rogers focuses most of his writing on cemeteries, explaining that ‘cemeteries are never emotionally neutral’.

And so I would conclude by advising those who feel the need to write but who are experiencing degrees of writer’s cramp, to go and visit a cemetery. If you still don’t come up with inspiring prose, at least it will cause a pause and some reflection. Perhaps then the issues that you carry may well dilute out as you’re confronted by the reality of our finite sojourn upon this earth.


Copyright reserved - Ian Weinberg 2017


Comments

Randall Burns

6 years ago #17

#18
looking forward to it Ian Weinberg

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #16

#8
I!ll put something together and send it on to you Randall Burns

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #15

#13
It's usually the dead centre of town Ken Boddie

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #14

Cemeteries are often the only place of tranquility within to think! But while our northern family tend to go for donate / cremate, our Chilean lot LOVE their funeral plots! I have utmost respect but little sentimentality towards cadavers, of which I plan to be one day :)

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #13

#12
Ahh..must be a thing among you Army boys. My dad was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne stationed at Ft Campbell , KY during the Korean War...He liked his cognac too...Must be why I tend to fancy the amber liquors myself from time to time... It's also where he developed a fine repertoire for dirty jokes;-)

CityVP Manjit

6 years ago #12

I do see cemeteries as a place with much deeper reflective quality, but equally I am drawn to obituary columns, many times the only mention of many people in a world we assume everyone shares their life or their story. The reality is that many people do not. The difference between the obit and the funeral is time span. Gravestones are multi-generational, whereas obits are generally in the moment, unless it is anniversary that people want to share.

Ken Boddie

6 years ago #11

You’re so right, Ian. Cemeteries can be so tranquil and inspirational. They sow thoughts of our own mortality and bring back fond memories of loved ones we have lost. Yet I am at a loss to understand why so many are dying to get in there. 🤗

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #10

#9
Thanks for sharing that Cyndi wilkins As it happens. Borkum Riff Whisky tobacco was also my favorite in my old pipe smoking days in the army.

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #9

#10
Thanks for that Harley.

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #8

Ian Weinberg... Interesting I should connect with your post today...As the anniversary of my father's passing last New Year's Eve has weighed heavily on my mind with the approaching holiday, I began feeling very ill...flu-like...nausea...headache...loss of appetite...the whole nine yards. For the past several weeks I just couldn't seem to shake the dang thing. The other day I reached a crisis point and canceled my clients and spent the day in bed...I slept all day and eventually emerged from a state of exhaustion with an awareness that my grieving process was taking a turn to acceptance...I awoke to the smell of my dads favorite tobacco...I always filled a stocking for him every year for Christmas that included a can of Borkum Riff Whiskey pipe tobacco...He always told me it was his favorite gift...and I just received mine...I visit from my dad;-) Merry Christmas daddy!

Randall Burns

6 years ago #7

#7
Wow! Ian Weinberg That's sounds absolutely fascinating, I would be honored, (and I'm sure I would learn a lot), Yes let's discuss. I don't think you've seen this but here's a post I wrote about stress; https://www.bebee.com/producer/@randall-burns/stress-the-dynamics-in-a-professional-kitchen May give you some more insights.

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #6

#5
Thanks Randall Burns I've been meaning to tell you that I'm intrigued by your world of chefdom! There are multiple layers of reality in that kitchen, extending way beyond the neuropsychological. And since you've already described the 'Zen' of it all, I think it goes into that quantum/mystical space. Perhaps we should consider jointly writing the neuroscience and Zen/quantum physics of the chef's domain?

Randall Burns

6 years ago #5

Great piece Ian Weinberg, I strongly agree that our emotional/psychological states carry far more influence on our physical bodies than most people give credit for. Something I tell my cooks when they're feeling "sick", disassemble the word "disease", and you have "dis ease". Many times when they're feeling the stress and pressure it will affect them physically. Often it is just the recognition of the correlation of the psychological "dis ease" affecting the physical state that helps relieve symptoms. I realize that is a little simplistic but I believe the recognition is a step in the right direction. great post!

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #4

#3
Thanks Paul Walters Best of wishes.

Paul Walters

6 years ago #3

Ian Weinberg " takotsubo syndrome (named after an octopus trap in Japanese)," again one learns things each day. Wish I had known that when I wrote my book of short stories. One involves an eminent surgeon who is desperate to convince the medical fraternity that dying of a broken heart is real!!! Thanks again for a truly awesome post!

Ian Weinberg

6 years ago #2

#1
Indeed a timeless place, brutal in its honesty.

Pascal Derrien

6 years ago #1

When I was living in Paris one of my favourite walks would take me thru the Cimetiere Montparnasse so much history and so many stories to be galvanised from besides the heart breaking end of lives associated with the place

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