I asked for a reason to live
In 1992, I came back to Vegas from a winter in Reno. I was out of work, and I was close to a full-blown crack addiction. I wrote this story in my book, and I think it's pasted somewhere in this thread. I was proselytized by a born-again Christian at Red Rock Canyon.
I wanted to discount the experience, and I tried. But I started going to this guy’s church. I wasn't comfortable in church. I felt like a traitor to my people, and I had that hunted feeling. I didn't want to be a Christian, and I'm not a Christian. I asked him once about the Holocaust. If there is a God, if God is good, if...?
In other words, why pray? I wrote about this question in a story called, 'The 800 pound Gorilla.'
But he told me that it was because the Jews killed Jesus. This guy was my witness. After that, I drifted away from this guy. It would probably be a happier life for me if I were able to stop thinking and just swallow orthodox religion whole.
What happened to me and in subsequent experiences, was it just a delusion caused by a chemical imbalance? All those narcotics, all those years? And I do take medication now. I'm bipolar.
So -- maybe. You could make a case. Of course, there are a lot of people who believe in God that are not mentally ill. Not by any social or medical criteria.
I can't get involved in organized religion. Not even Judaism. Which to my mind is a much more nuanced religion than Christianity, at any rate, I'm walking alone, but it doesn't much bother me. The alternative is to stop thinking, and I can't do that.
It doesn't matter to me that I can't prove it. Prove that there is a God. And never mind what my concept of God might be. I'm busy living out the question of what is it to be human.
That's my job. To live. That's what I figure. Seek ye me and live. Because I'm going to die alone. Right? A one way trip all by myself. So it doesn't much matter that I might be wrong. By all logic, there is no God in evidence on this earth. But there is just no percentage in denying my experience.
If there was a love that tender hiding inside of me, I don't know. If it was just something I projected, I don't know. I prefer to hold it the way I do.
At the time this happened, I was truly at the end of my rope. I asked -- I made a general plea into nothingness, into the cosmos. I didn't ask for any material thing on this planet, I asked for a reason to live, to keep living.