jesse kaellis en Lifestyle, beBee in English, Writers Bally's. Trop, Dunes, Caesars, Sahara. Landmark, Barbary, State Line, on and on. • 21 joints. I counted them again. 21/9/2016 · 1 min de lectura · 1,7K

I asked for a reason to live

I asked for a reason to live

In 1992, I came back to Vegas from a winter in Reno. I was out of work, and I was close to a full-blown crack addiction. I wrote this story in my book, and I think it's pasted somewhere in this thread. I was proselytized by a born-again Christian at Red Rock Canyon.

I wanted to discount the experience, and I tried. But I started going to this guy’s church. I wasn't comfortable in church. I felt like a traitor to my people, and I had that hunted feeling. I didn't want to be a Christian, and I'm not a Christian. I asked him once about the Holocaust. If there is a God, if God is good, if...?

In other words, why pray? I wrote about this question in a story called, 'The 800 pound Gorilla.'

But he told me that it was because the Jews killed Jesus. This guy was my witness. After that, I drifted away from this guy. It would probably be a happier life for me if I were able to stop thinking and just swallow orthodox religion whole.

What happened to me and in subsequent experiences, was it just a delusion caused by a chemical imbalance? All those narcotics, all those years? And I do take medication now. I'm bipolar.

So -- maybe. You could make a case. Of course, there are a lot of people who believe in God that are not mentally ill. Not by any social or medical criteria.  

I can't get involved in organized religion. Not even Judaism. Which to my mind is a much more nuanced religion than Christianity, at any rate, I'm walking alone, but it doesn't much bother me. The alternative is to stop thinking, and I can't do that.

It doesn't matter to me that I can't prove it. Prove that there is a God. And never mind what my concept of God might be. I'm busy living out the question of what is it to be human.

That's my job. To live. That's what I figure. Seek ye me and live. Because I'm going to die alone. Right? A one way trip all by myself. So it doesn't much matter that I might be wrong. By all logic, there is no God in evidence on this earth. But there is just no percentage in denying my experience.

If there was a love that tender hiding inside of me, I don't know. If it was just something I projected, I don't know. I prefer to hold it the way I do.

At the time this happened, I was truly at the end of my rope. I asked -- I made a general plea into nothingness, into the cosmos. I didn't ask for any material thing on this planet, I asked for a reason to live, to keep living.

jesse kaellis 22/9/2016 · #53

I'm an agnostic who leans towards theism. Maybe I'm a deist. It's not like I HAVE to know. Arguing with atheists is futile and aggravating. At the end of the day I"m not saving anybody's soul. That's not my job. Jews don't proselytize. Which may account for our small numbers worldwide. Thanks for reading the story and the comments and leaving a comment, Mohammed.

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Mohammad Azam Khan 22/9/2016 · #52

Good luck all, great story and comments. I like this story someone narrated once. Two professors sitting around at a top university, a theist and an atheist. They want coffee, so the atheist goes to get some and meanwhile the other one draws a colourful cockerell on the blackboard up there. So when the other one returns he exclaims what a good artist you are. The artist tells him no as you went out the chalks started moving and drawing and I was scared. The coffee bearer tells him look I respect you but you can't take me for a fool. So the artist tells him if you can tell me all of everything just popped up then I sure too can say something.

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jesse kaellis 22/9/2016 · #51

When that song was current I was living on a commune in Northern British Columbia and everybody up there was fucking anything that moved. Even I got my cookies and I was only 15. One of the worst summers of my life, actually. When something feels "wrong" and you can't understand why it's because it likely goes against your internal values. Sometimes it takes half a lifetime to find your values.

jesse kaellis 22/9/2016 · #50

Erm, I've passed through so many people, or they have passed through me -- I gave over 6000 massages for money as a professional masseur in Las Vegas working at four different resorts including Caesars Palace (my best job for the money in Vegas), and this was within three years. To say I was burnt out at the end of it all is an understatement. Massage is a kind of intense intimacy, not sexual but I am taking you on a guided tour of your body.
And there were all the people I dealt to and relieved them of their money in about 14 other joints in Vegas. Did I love these people? Not hardly. Did they love me? I don't think so.
It's a nice concept, universal love. I figure we do well not to kill each other. I've never been one to live by precepts. I just can't do that.

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Deb 🐝 Helfrich 22/9/2016 · #48

#47 Indeed, but also about proximity. I believe in the kind of experience you had - it changes reality. But I also know that it is my responsibility to improve the day to day interactions that sustain me in a more sustainable way than the occasional epiphany.

The song encapsulates that I try to Love what is and who I can - without worrying about the universal scoreboard.

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jesse kaellis 22/9/2016 · #47

I heard that song in real time. I thought it was about promiscuity. Thank's Deb.

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jesse kaellis 22/9/2016 · #46

It's called "being too clever by half."

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