jesse kaellis in beBee in English, Creative Writers, Writers Dice dealer, Professional masseur. Other arcane jobs -- process server, cemetery worker. Oct 9, 2016 · 1 min read · +800

Killing machines

Another very short piece. I'm picking through the ruins now.

Killing machines

Two birds/one stone? Ain't no law against it

I like writing. I don't have an agenda. That means I can relax. I'm laid up here at home. 

I made other friends on this site. (Plenty of Fish). I'm never going to meet them, not very likely. 

They are still real to me. The net is a great thing really. I lived in isolation for much of my life. I'm accomplished at brooding and all that turning inward is the genesis of my intensity. 

My dad writes also. Our styles are different. He is a wordsmith. He's erudite. He loves words. I want words to serve me. I'm not looking for aesthetics. I'm  looking for power. I don't want pretty. I want beauty. My father's IQ is 152. I don't know what mine is. I don't really want to know. It's an anomaly. The way I look, the way I lived. The way I think.
One or the other is superimposed onto me. It just doesn't seem to fit. 

If you take a child with my genetic endowment and cut him loose.

This thought comes to mind: the buildup to the first Gulf war. The elder Bush was in the white house. I was living in Vegas. After work, we went over to Lester's place. He had a junior one bedroom on Koval. We are doing the usual; drinking, smoking pot, getting lit. We all worked at the spa at Caesars. McGarg was there also.

We were feeling exhilarated. Good day. Everybody made money. The TV is on and showing the aircraft carriers deployed in the Gulf and the fighter jets are flying off in sequence. It is a sublime image; beautiful, a terrible beauty. Les is shouting, "Yeah! Kick ass!"

I was thinking of evolution, the technological evolution of humans; our oversized brains; awesome power – highly evolved killing machines.

If I was to decry the reality that humans are accomplished and supernaturally clever killers would that elevate my humanity? I don't think so.

When the Dali says, "We should all be kind to each other..." I'm thinking, "What else you got, you CIA stooge?"

jesse kaellis Oct 10, 2016 · #13

Thank you, Marcos.

jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #12

Thanks for commenting, Donna-Luisa. It's always a pleasure to see you on my boards.

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Donna-Luisa Eversley Oct 9, 2016 · #11

Nice inheritance, writing.. thanks for sharing @jesse kaellis😉

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jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #10

It's good in many respects, Irene. Very soon my sister and I are flying down to Puerto Vallarta, and I will receive a spinal fusion. It's been a long time coming. I anticipate my life expanding when I can walk normally again. Life. It's never going to be without tribulation. I make the best of what I have. I DO have a lot. A comfortable life, and family nearby. I live in Nanaimo, a smallish town on Vancouver Island. Nice place, friendly people. Malls all over the place.

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Irene Hackett Oct 9, 2016 · #9

@jesse kaellis, your life circumstances surely has forged a depth in you that not many may understand. But alas, they now are a thing of the past. is gone. Glad to hear your 'now' is good.

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jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #8

Irene, I started so young. I was 13 when started using drugs when I was 13 using LSD. And it was the real stuff back then, 1969, a very powerful drug. I was away from home. Living in a bad environment, an unstructured, a predatory environment. I was sharing needles in 1970/'71, and I was very fortunate not to get Hepatitis, nevermind HIV. Needless to say, I didn't have much of childhood. I didn't have much in the way of skills or credentials. My first jobs were in sawmills and pulp mills. I was sixteen. But no matter what I was doing or which subculture I was moving through I was surrounded by people living the same life.

When you have a learning disability like dyslexia, a problem that I can't really describe, I mean, I see things the wrong way. The 's' is backwards. The 'e' is backwards and upside down. Letters are moving. It's a kind of word-blindness. But I can't describe what I see. I don't know what's normal. Also, I felt like I was the problem. I internalized it.
Anyway, I could read at last. My life became more stable. There was less abuse; my parents were happier. We lived in the country on half an acre.
My life was stable and I was doing well in school. Then we up and moved to Canada. And the trajectory of my life, choices, and circumstance -- my life became a kind of slow motion free-fall. I was exposed to drugs really young. I didn't have guidance. I had major baggage anyway. But here is what I'm saying: these are my good old days -- here, now, today.

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Irene Hackett Oct 9, 2016 · #7

I'd say you are probably braver than most - it takes courage to face the darkness.

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jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #6

Nice quote, Irene. I like it. I have to admit without the medication I take for bipolar my life would be torture. And I also wouldn't have almost 14 years of sobriety behind me. Am I strong? Maybe. I got this far. I have to go look at your profile now.

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