jesse kaellis in beBee in English, Creative Writers, Writers Dice dealer, Professional masseur. Other arcane jobs -- process server, cemetery worker. Oct 9, 2016 · 1 min read · +300

Time -- an enigma

Time -- an enigma


What is it about time? If you can transcend time then you can transcend pain. Vegas plays with time, that was the power it had. No clocks in the casinos and nothing stops, ever, for any reason, although I’ve heard that the games stopped for one minute for Frank Sinatra’s death.

I had it made in Vegas, but somehow, somewhere was a gnawing emptiness in the center of my body, a devastating emptiness. It was as though I could never get enough. Enough of anything. Drugs, booze, money, power; not that I had much of money or power. I think the town is devised that way, it’s just a byproduct of what it really is; organized greed. Maya, the many, the millions. You could never fill the hollow space, and in the end, I expected to be devoured, and I knew that I had to leave.

jesse kaellis Oct 14, 2016 · #20

Thank you, Joanna.

jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #19

Thank you. Lee. I'm grateful.

jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #18

I'm glad to hear that you escaped harm, Irene. Sometimes I wonder how they name hurricanes. They go through the alphabet. Yes, a very intense life. Naturally, I liked it. But it becomes unsustainable. I've been taking medication for 20 years now and I take them religiously. I just want to live a normal life. Thanks, Irene.

+1 +1
Irene Hackett Oct 9, 2016 · #17

#16 Your experiences in Vegas were intense, it seems. Yes, do keep writing; you have much to share and a natural, raw method of expression that draws the reader in. We escaped harm from Matthew; we were lucky. Thank you for asking.

+1 +1
jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #16

Vegas always seemed to be a psychic destination as much as a geographical location. I've never lived in any place like it, save for a winter in Reno which was like a scaled down Las Vegas. I didn't make it there, so I headed back to Vegas after four months. It was like a giant magnet in the desert pulling me back. Las Vegas has an undereducated workforce. You don't need much more than a GED to work in a casino.
Not that being a dealer, particularly dice, doesn't require skill and knowledge but that's what Vegas offered, good jobs with benefits and cheap housing without having to have a college degree. It used to be dirt cheap to live. Meal deals drink deals; everything was cheap.
I survived on nine and 14 dollar envelopes when I was breaking in. When I hit my first middle-level joint and was collecting a 45 dollar envelope per shift, I thought I was in clover.
I lived straight of my pocket for much of the nine years and I liked it. It was like living on the edge of time. I rarely had a bank account. I got my check through the cage weekly with the tokes (tip taxes subtracted) and a little manilla envelope daily each shift. These joints feed you too. Sometimes the food was good.
This is a subculture and way of life I'm describing here. It suited me because I was into hedonism at the time. I lived an extremely reckless life. It was like I had a death wish. Boy, you really got me going here. I need to start writing again. Thanks, Irene, for encouraging me. Sometimes I get lonely with this. Isn't there a storm in Florida now? Right now? Hurricane Matthew ?

+1 +1
Irene Hackett Oct 9, 2016 · #15

#14 Your writing is brilliant. Vegas is geography. It's the symbolism it represents that remains a false substitute for real substance. And people are real everywhere around the globe - a beautiful reality indeed!

+2 +2
jesse kaellis Oct 9, 2016 · #14

Vegas is a fake place, a facade, but real people live there and they try to make a living. The casinos are an easy way to make a hard dollar if that makes any sense. These are pieces of the same story. No matter how many times I write about Vegas -- it is an enigma within an enigma. I'll never capture it completely.

There are lots of special places and special jobs, but for me being a Las Vegas dice dealer was pretty sublime. It was somehow timeless; timeless and imbued with the corrosive and bland patina of a mundane evil, venality, a soulless mockery of human aspirations. What could be more useless than playing with money?

I've got nine years of memories from Las Vegas, from my life there, a lot of memories and a lot of powerful memories. I remember stepping out of Whiskey Pete's at State Line, stepping out after working a graveyard shift and walking to the parking lot in back and the sun is up and the mountains naked and stark, reddish brown and the beauty and serenity and it was like being on a movie set, a backdrop, a stage set illuminated by a relentless sun. That's the deal maybe, with Vegas, it seems so unreal, but it is real, intensely real when you are living it.

It's a destructive town and many people work years just hoping to make a score and put Vegas in their rearview mirror. I'm not sophisticated. Not a world traveler. This was my finishing school. my low rent crucible. Thanks for the opening, Irene. I really appreciate it.

+2 +2
Irene Hackett Oct 9, 2016 · #13

Funny you mentioned 'real' - for real is what you are @jesse kaellis; it is no wonder Vegas wasn't the place for you.

+2 +2