Ken Boddie in Café beBee Ambassador • beBee Mar 22, 2020 · 2 min read · +600

Toilet Tissue to Tickle Your Toosh

Toilet Tissue to Tickle Your Toosh

In a new world order, where cash is becoming strictly off limits and toilet paper is in exponentially increasing demand, perhaps the new currency of choice, for those of us who are feeling flush, will be centred on the bog roll. It appears that it may be time to wipe away our wads of banknotes, or curtail our cracked and crinkly credit cards, and say "all hale" to the 'buttcoin' [thanks to Ian Weinberg for 'brainstorming' this term]. 

As we go into our respective 'south of the border' viral beer-induced lock-down arrangements, why not take time-out to take stock of (ie literally stock take) our handily-hoarded secreted stockpiles of ten pack, or even twenty pack, loo paper.

As we inevitably take our next time-out in the throne room, let's ponder on the perverse pleasure presented to us, as we avariciously peruse our soft-as-silk toosh tickler, and invariably indulge in tactile assessment of its efficiency, as we get in touch with our inner selves. Turning yet again to the oracle of all things unknown, or little known, Dr Google, and bearing in mind that this once irrefutable factual source is more frequently, these days, blurred by dubious or less than accurate news, damned news or even statistics, here then is the data (I hesitate to use the term 'facts') for your individual scrutiny:

  • the average toilet roll is 10 cm (3.937 inches) wide by 12 cm (4.724 inches) long; 
  • there are typically 100 sheets per roll (for one-ply) and 500 sheets per roll (for two-ply); 
  • the average roll weighs 227 grams (8 ounces); 
  • we use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet tissue per toilet trip and hence over 3,000 sheets per year, based on a single daily visitation and assuming that our bowel movements are regular and we are not prone to the odd tummy upset or dodgy digestive intake, resulting in the dreaded diarrhoea.

Google would have us believe, however, that "Most people use about 20,000 sheets of toilet paper per year", contrary to the estimated 3,000 sheet prediction from 8.6 sheets per daily trip, which means that either we have a self-gratifying multitude of wasteful 'scrunchers' rather than a common convention of cautious 'folders', or else we are being regularly bombarded by loose stool invoking gastro bugs.

The bottom line (pun intended) is that we use somewhere between 40 and 100 rolls of potential buttcoin per annum per annus, and hence between approximately 100 and 300 rolls per family per year.  

Now that's a lot of buttcoin, for the average punter. Time perhaps to have a Plan B, as suggested in my previous post on posterior paper placement: 

Time also, perhaps, to study the evolution of the common Lav, Loo, WC, Crapper, Khazi, or Dunny, all of which I define in an earlier post at this link:   

Ass-uming that you've chosen not to click on these links and hence ignore the advice, options and contraptions of historical excretionary exemplification previously presented, let's just say that perhaps a douche in the toosh, by a spray of bidet is an easier, cheaper and more efficient method of removing sticky remnants of chocolate pudding consistency from the nether regions, than a stack of pulped former vegetation.

If you value your new buttcoin investment, then perhaps you should wash rather than wipe?

Let me leave you with a tall tale of toiletries untold, thought by some to date back to the days when Thomas Twyford and his son Thomas William Twyford established what was to become a popular English depository, Twyford Bathrooms. A not uncommon quandary, back in the day, if would appear, was,  

"Why should we take delivery of ten tons of tinted toilet tissue from Thomas Twyford of Twickenham?"

The advice from the wholesaler was invariably, 

"Because they're our-sole agents." 🤣😂🤣


When not researching the weird or the wonderful, the comical or the cultured, the sinful or the serious, I chase my creative side, the results of which can be seen as selected photographs of my travels on my website at:

The author of the above, Ken Boddie, besides being a sometime poet and occasional writer, is an enthusiastic photographer, rarely leisure-travelling without his Canon, and loves to interact with other like-minded people with diverse interests.

Ken's three day work week (part time commitment) as a consulting engineer allows him to follow his photography interests, and to plan trips to an ever increasing list of countries and places of scenic beauty and cultural diversity.

Ken Boddie Mar 27, 2020 · #29

#26 Indeed, @Claire L Cardwell ...

This 'Buttcoin' term seems to inspire us completely,
It sums up the value of loo roll quite neatly,
But please note, no matter how much it may fit,
The brainy Doc Weinberg must take all cred-it.

Thanks again, @Ian Weinberg. May you leave no 'leaf' unturned in your search for the 'holey' tail. 🤗

+2 +2

#3 A rare clarity. God Bless Oscar Wilde--and you for reminding us.

+1 +1
Ken Boddie Mar 27, 2020 · #27

#25 I suggest that you read @John Rylance's comment in #3 below, @Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee. It appears that Oscar Wilde had the same sentiment. His reported re-buttal (pun intended) of his critic is in the same vein as yours. Sometimes words can be firmly 'imprinted' in our more remote regions. 🤣😂🤣

+1 +1
Claire L Cardwell Mar 27, 2020 · #26

Buttcoin - love it!

'When you need to go to the loo,
And there's nothing left on the roll,
To flush that poo
Down the hole
What you going to do?'

That's my attempt at poetry for the day, I'll leave it up to you @Ken Boddie - you are after all beBee's poet laureate!

+1 +1

@Ken Boddie Oh jeesh--just thought of something. Newspapers. In the US, a law was passed authorizing media to be used for propaganda. I truly su** at propaganda. After working on a story for almost 4 months--going back and forth with a news editor--they did something totally different and totally inaccurate.

I guess I should have been shocked, but just felt betrayed. I wrote a rebuttal piece and it got okay ratings.

But I bought copies of the newspaper carrying their scam piece!! I can cut out the front page and use the rest for butt-wipe in a pinch!!

+2 +2
Ken Boddie Mar 25, 2020 · #24

#20 You could be onto something there, @Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee. But first we need the latest scoop on poop.

+2 +2
Randall Burns Mar 25, 2020 · #23

#21 Well Mr. @Ken Boddie , it has been some time,
I just got home from work, and I can't think of a rhyme,
I'm well and healthy, not bad for an old guy,
Having a few beers, why don't you give it a try? :-)
At this point I'm going to say good night,
As it was a long drive, due to a cancelled flight,
(much to my relief I admit),
So I'm off to bed, I bid you "Adieu"
With wishes of blessings for you to accrue

+2 +2
Ken Boddie Mar 25, 2020 · #22

#19 Yep, @John Rylance, I reckon we’re all flush with bog roll jokes, but are we really on a roll? If the worst comes to the worst, I guess we could always...
Wait until it’s vapour,
Then light it with a taper.

+3 +3