Jonny Plumb and The Queen of Iceland
Short extract from the fifth book in the six book Jonny Plumbs adventure series,
'the phone conversation..'
Pc Floppy, origional drawing by Julia Fioravanti
‘Hello, Little Plopping Police Station,’ Pc Ivor Floppy said in between taking bites out of his freshly made marmalade on toast.
‘I want to report a kidnapping.’
‘Oh dear, can you tell me, who has been kidnapped? Who kidnapped them? When they were kidnapped, and who you are, please.’
‘Don’t you take that tone with me, Drippy Droppy.’
‘I’m sorry Sir, but who am I talking to?’ Pc Floppy asked while trying to get his note pad out of his top pocket, while he had still had a piece of toast in his hand.
‘You horrid little man, this is L-A-D-Y Taylor here, how dare you insinuate that I am a man.’
‘Oh I’m sorry Maam, it’s difficult to tell sometimes,’ Pc Floppy replied then took a huge bite out of his toast and then added, ‘mmmeeemamamememamme.’
‘What, what was that? How dare you be so insolent, you grotty little excuse for a man.’
‘Sorry Maam, I had something in my mouth.’
‘Yes your foot by the sounds of it. Now, stop eating and start listening. My daughter was kidnapped by Cruella and her henchman from my house. I mean, how dare they just walk into my home uninvited, and take my daughter to school.’
‘So, let me get this right. Someone called Cruella and her henchman, walked into your home and kidnapped Isobel, and then drove her to her school.’
‘And do this Cruella and her henchman have names?’ Pc Floppy asked while putting away his notepad and pencil and brushing the toast crumbs from his oversized police uniform.
‘Yes, you imbecile, it was ‘Lady stuck up, oh I rescued an orphan, cowshed Hunter.’
‘Do you mean Lady Kathleen Hunter, wife of the war hero Sir Ranulf Hunter?’
‘Oooo, do you mean Lady Ploppy Plops and her hairy heroic husband?’ Lady Taylor said in a childish voice.
Before Pc Floppy could reply, the other phone began to ring. ‘Bring bring, bring bring, bring bring.’
‘Hello, Little Plopping Police Station, Pc Floppy speaking, how can I help?’
‘Hello, this is Mrs B. Ladder here from West House School. I want to report a kidnapping and GBH.’
‘Another kidnapping!’ a very surprised and quite flustered Pc Floppy replied, then added, ‘We don’t get much call for kidnapping, in fact, I don’t ever recall having to deal with one kidnapping, let alone two.’
‘What do you mean two kidnappings? I just want to report one kidnapping.’ Mrs B Ladder replied in her Cornish accent.
‘Ok, hold on, I just have to get my notepad and pencil out, I won’t be a moment.’ Pc Floppy replied as he heard the shrill screaming voice of Mrs Taylor coming from the other phone. He gently picked it up and said in a very dignified manner, ‘Seems there’s been another kidnapping, this time at West House School.’
‘I couldn’t care less if the entire school has been kidnapped by green eyed Martians, I want my Isobel back now and I want...’ Pc Floppy placed the receiver onto the shiny wooden counter and then picked up the other phone.
‘Sorry Mrs. Bladder...’
‘It’s Ladder, L.a.d.d.e.r, Mrs. B. Ladder, not Mrs. Bladder.’ Mrs B. Ladder interrupted.
‘Ok then Mrs. Ladder, can you tell me who has been kidnapped?’ ‘Yes, of course I can, that’s why I’m ringing,’ Mrs Ladder replied angrily.
‘Well?’Pc Floppy asked.
‘Why are you asking if I am well?’ Mrs Ladder yelled.
‘No, no, I wasn’t asking, ”well,” with a question mark, as in, are you well? I was asking, ‘well, who has been kidnapped, and not, are you well, as in your general health.’
‘Oh, well as you ask, no I am not that well. I’m a bit flustered actually, my cat’s got a very bad case of flatulence, stinks the entire house out, you know, that fishy, fart smell?’
‘No, I was asking WHO HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED?’ Pc Floppy said and then adding in a whisper, ‘you flea ridden old harridan.’
‘How dare you call me old,’ Mrs. Taylor yelled down the phone.
‘No, I wasn’t talking to you Mrs. Taylor; I was talking to Mrs Fishy Fart. Sorry I mean, Mrs. Bladder, no I meant Mrs Ladder.’ Pc Floppy replied in complete exasperation.
‘Who on earth is Mrs. Catfarting?’Mrs. Taylor was heard ranting down the phone, as it lay on top of the nice, shiny, wooden counter.
‘Now Mrs. Ladder, where were we? Oh yes, if we could just carry on. Now who was kidnapped?’
‘Well, I wish it were my fish farting cat,’ Mrs. Bladder replied.
‘No, no, please, for the love of God, WHO-WAS-KIDNAPPED- FROM-THE-SCHOOL?’
‘Isobel was.’ Mrs. Ladder finally replied and then added sarcastically, ‘pity it wasn’t you.’
‘Yes, well, if I had been kidnapped, I wouldn’t be here to answer this call, now would I?’
‘Don’t you get clever with me and get down here as soon as you can.’
‘Sorry Mrs. Adder, I haven’t finished yet. Can you give me a description of the kidnapper please?’
‘Yes, of course I can you stupid man, I was there, I saw it with my very own eyes. Not that I could see it with someone else’s eyes, now that would be stupid. I mean how could I see with someone else’s eyes?’
‘DESCRIPTION PLEASE!’ Pc Floppy shouted, while trying desperately hard, not, to lose his cool.
‘Why do you want to know what I look like?’Mrs. B. Ladder asked.
‘KIDNAPPER, DESCRIPTION OF KIDNAPPER, PLEASE.’ Pc Floppy said losing the will to live.
‘Hello, hello, are you there Floppy, why have you stopped talking to me don’t you know who I am. This is Lady, yes Lady Taylor,’ Lady Taylor’s voice echoed around the silent police station which now echoed with the thudding noise of Pc Floppy head butting the desk.
‘Now Mrs. Taylor, could you please explain how your daughter could have been kidnapped, and then, seen at school?’ Pc Floppy asked readjusting his tie.
‘Because, Cruella, oh I rescued an orphan, took her without my consent.’ Mrs Taylor replied almost passing out with rage.
‘But, drove her to school in safety and dropped her off, safely?’ Pc Floppy asked.
‘I’m going to make a complaint about you to Sergeant Flaps.’
‘You can’t.’ ‘Yes I can.’
‘No you can’t, because Sergeant Flaps has vanished, you hideous, grey haired bint.’ Pc Floppy yelled down the receiver, then slamming the phone down in utter frustration while picking up the other phone.
‘Hello, Mrs. Ladder, would you care to tell me about the alleged kidnapping and assault please.’
‘Oh I thought you had forgotten all about me,’ Mrs. B Ladder yelled.
‘I wish.’ Pc Floppy whispered to himself and then added, ‘well if you wouldn’t mind.’
‘Well, she was kidnapped by Jonny Plumb and then, he made the headmaster’s and headmistress’s legs turn to jelly.’
‘Really?’ ‘Yes really.’
‘You mean real jelly.’
‘No, I mean jelly, as in wobbly, as in rubbery, as in boneless.’
‘Ok, so who did Jonny Plumb kidnap?’
‘Jonny Plumb? Are you sure?’
‘Yes. I was there; I saw with my own two eyes, in fact the entire school saw it.’
‘Where are the Head and headmistress now?’
‘Same place still can’t move. Didn’t you understand my explanation? Should I draw you a picture?’
‘Same place? Where is same place, you grotty gargoyle.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘Where is same place? If you don’t know the word for it is then describe it.’
‘Oh that’s really helpful, they are by the moron are they? So very close then?’
‘No, Ivor Ploppy Pants they are, where they were, when Jonny Plumb turned their legs to jelly and rubber.’
‘You forgot boneless and you also forgot to tell me where they are now, as in, are they, floating in the swimming pool, or lying in the middle of the road. This isn’t an exact science, is it? ’
‘They are on the stage, you chinless wonder. God, what I ever saw in you is beyond understanding.’
‘Yes, well understanding was never one of your strongest points was it, you rabid camels butt. I will be down in fifteen minutes.’
‘Ok bye, rabid camel’s butt. I like that one, let’s call our first child that.’
Windy Humbole, origional drawing by Julia Fioravanti