Lisa Gallagher en Lifestyle, parenting, beBee in English Assistant Administrator • Insight Technology LLC 16/11/2016 · 3 min de lectura · 1,5K

A Different Type of Leadership

Many women chose to stay at home and raise their children. Many of these same women give up good paying careers because they want to be home with their children. Some women feel undervalued and isolated, especially if they happen to be with a group of women and men who work outside the home and spend a lot of their time 'talking shop.' 

I found myself in groups of people over the years, even within my own home where it seemed talking about work became a habit and I would sit there twiddling my thumbs, or at times, walking out of the room because I felt I had nothing of value to add to their conversations which suddenly seemed so foreign to me. I quit my job when oldest was almost 10 years old, a choice I will never regret. 

Staying home with your children is a full-time job. Yes, I know... that's been said many times but it's so true. Many women decide to take on more than they can handle because they feel a sense of guilt for not bringing a paycheck in. My daughter is experiencing this phenomenon right now and I keep reassuring her that you can't put a price on being a full-time mom. 

A Different Type of Leadership

I know of some stay at home moms who expect their husbands to participate in 50% of all chores, which means getting up in the middle of the night, cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, doing laundry, getting the kids ready for bed, giving the kids their baths, taking them to Dr. appointments and allowing their wives to leave as soon as the man's work day ends because the mommy needs a break. Kudos to the men who do this but that is not how I chose to run my home. My daughter doesn't run hers like that either. I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong way as long as it works out ok for both parents and the man doesn't get burned out beyond his limits. 

Call me old fashioned but I felt it was my job and I took it seriously, to do all the cooking, clean up after dinner, get up with crying or sick children in the middle of the night (except for weekends, I would ask for some help with night time awakenings, running an errand without 2 kids strapped to me...),  things I felt were on a smaller scale. 

Many women who stay home with their children become the Chef, the ultimate life coach, great debaters, negotiators, learn to function on less than 4 hours of sleep for quite some time, financial planners, taxi cab drivers, volunteers for many events that come up through out the years on behalf of their children or for other causes they involve their children in, party planners, travel agents, and mighty maids!  Some of these same women go to bed feeling as though they still aren't contributing enough. I think in part, some women feel guilty because no-one tells them how worthy they are. No one shares with them how appreciated they are. 

When my husband came home from work, his day was done. My day was only half over. I couldn't ask him to help me (maybe I should have?), but I felt it was my duty to allow him to unwind and just enjoy the kids because he was the one going out to work each day and bringing home the paycheck. I see my daughter experiencing the same guilty feelings and I keep reminding her that her job is just as important. I also try to remind her that her husband does appreciate all she's doing but he may have a hard time expressing it. I found this to be true after our kids moved out. There is a lot of stress for both parents when you're raising children. Communicating concerns without throwing insults is healthy if you're feeling like a burned out mom who isn't appreciated. Chances are highly likely that you're very appreciated but your husband isn't able to express his mushy feelings. 

I also found in hindsight, it was best to have serious chats when we were both calm... it's a tough balancing act at times but not impossible. My husband reminds me a lot NOW that I did a job he could have never done. I wish I would have heard those words a bit earlier but it all worked out the way it was supposed to. I have no regrets and he was left with no regrets. We gave up a second income but for us,  it was worth it because my children were raised with the values we as a couple wanted to instill. 

It's important to remember that you still need to find some time for yourself. If you don't make time just for you, you'll feel resentful and more isolated. Getting your children involved in activities with other children also allows you to meet other women who may have something in common with you. 

Remember, it's not selfish to make time for yourself, we all need and deserve time to unwind and not lose the core of our being.
Don't ever underscore the importance of your job. I used to have some women tell me that it must be nice to stay at home with my kids. My answer, "Yes it is but the grass is never greener on the other side." I worked fulltime for almost 10 years prior to staying at home, so I knew the price women pay that have to work or choose to work as well. Without a second income, we didn't have the money to do some of the things I would see other families doing who both brought home a paycheck. We all have choices and we chose the lifestyle we had without regrets. 

I'm curious if more women who are staying home today have an agreement that both, mom and dad do 50% of all chores and duties with their children? Have trends changed and are men more proactive with their kids today than they were when I was raising my children? I would love to hear others stories who are either staying at home now with children or did stay at home while raising their kids. 

Women who stay at home are just as vital as women who go out to work. Never underscore the importance of your role. If you are at home raising children, you are a leader with many roles. Remind yourself to repeat that over and over if you feel under appreciated. Never feel guilty for choosing to be at home with your children who you brought into this world with love. 

Repeat: "I am a leader who my children look up to."  Oh, and drink a lot of coffee! 

#27 Absolutely, Lisa it is a balancing act. I believe teamwork can make a couple stronger. Now that we (my hubby and I) are both retired we share in keeping up our household. It's actally fun. Sending hugs.

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Lisa Gallagher 5/1/2017 · #28

#25 @Devesh Bhatt, thanks for sharing your story. It's quite interesting to hear other's perspectives and even from a cultural point of view. I had to laugh, "Oh wait, I sound like my mother." haha, I probably do to.

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Lisa Gallagher 5/1/2017 · #27

#24 Hi @Franci🐝Eugenia Hoffman, thanks for sharing your story. You are so right, many mom's do not have the choice to stay at home. My mom didn't and I was a latchkey child too. I agree, I actually wrote this hoping younger people would get involved because I was really interested in hearing their perspectives about what they feel their husbands should be contributing to the home and more. I have seen shifts in what men do today and I can honestly say, they take on a lot more household chores and seem to be more hands on. Not all households but I'm hearing about it and seeing it firsthand. I wonder how men feel about this? I know one man who is "expected" to take the kids as soon as his work day ends, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, do laundry, baths, and more- that's the 50/50 part I was speaking of above. I wonder if this is the new norm and guys are ok with it, or if it's not a norm and some men are burned beyond words. I see nothing wrong with men helping but when a woman doesn't work, I think it would be easier if the man had some time to breathe just like women need. To me, it's a balancing act. Not sure if I made my point or if it sounded confusing?

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Lisa Gallagher 5/1/2017 · #26

#23 Much respect for you @Kevin Baker. I used to have friends say to me when I finally decided to stay at home, "It must be nice." My answer: "The grass is never greener on the other side." It was hard to be a working mom and hard to be a stay at home parent and they both came with many positives too.

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Devesh 🐝 Bhatt 5/1/2017 · #25

In India, usually we get the approach, the sanity, the plan from the fathers, they know the world and the nuances

The insane levels of commitment to do things, the ambition from the mothers.

There is a term in Hindi called Trishanku which means stuck midway in indecision.

My generation, the married with children, they are indecisive .. They rejected tradition but haven't really gathered the conviction to implement their decisions and feel that their kids are bossy over them, both men and women.
Whatever the situation , isn't it ultimately about doing what's needed, oh wait, I sound like my mother :)

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Lisa, I feel there is no right or wrong, however, I believe it is better for the children that they have a full-time mom. Of course, in some cases, there is not the option for the mom to stay at home and raise the children.

Due to technology and other outlets, stay at moms have more options to pursue their interests. I shared in a post written by Pascal that I was a latchkey kid coming home to an empty house. That's where my love for music was helpful to me. I even did my homework while listening to music. Perhaps, this experience helped me in the long run since there were times in my life when I lived alone.

I commend you for your outlook on being a stay at home mom and a loving wife. It is a full-time job for either parent. This is a very important post especially for our younger generations.

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Kevin Baker 5/1/2017 · #23

Staying home with your children is a full-time job, absolutely true, a very much complex job that has a great degree of stress related responsibilities. I was a single parent from diapers to University. @Lisa 🐝 Gallagher has a home run here about the human strive of parents.

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Lisa Gallagher 5/1/2017 · #22

oops I did see that! Well, thanks again for the mention and I'm glad my words inspired. :))

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