Facebook Memories Can Stir Up A lot Of Emotion

Many times I love Facebook's memories and there are times they hurt. A few day's ago a memory came up and it was a photo of my mom. I took the photo of her. She decided on August 10, 2013 she wanted to change her profile picture on Facebook. Mom was diagnosed with Late Stage Lung Cancer in June of 2013. Within a week of her diagnosis, mom began Chemotherapy. I have to admit, she seemed to rebound quite drastically after her chemo began. She was also on a high dose of steroids, so we all told her she was like a hummingbird on crack! I swear she had more energy than I did at that time period in her life. Before she began her chemo, she was very ill and we all thought we would lose her after her chemo began because we didn't think her body had the strength to go through with it. My mom was a fighter and time would prove just how much she loved her family first, life second which gave her the will to keep fighting for her life.  Mom spent her entire life ensuring our family was the number one priority in her life and the lives of all of us. Pictured below, my daughter, her fiance (at the time) and my mom while visiting Geneva on the Lake, Ohio. This photo was taken in July of 2013, mom was probably happier than I'd seen her in a long time. I think she had been ill much longer than we were aware. Getting a diagnosis was a relief in some strange way. Mom never complained. 

Mom's love for all of us was contagious. She didn't have to tell us how to live our lives, we lived by example. My daughter and her fiance drove 2.5 hours to visit 'grandma' because grandma was so loved.  Sarah Elkins wrote a great buzz about Anxiety being the great equalizer and her buzz really made me take a look deep within. 

My mom worried about a lot but felt she hid it well. Sarah's mom also worried a lot and Sarah shared that her mom's worry did affect her in one way or another. I had no idea how much my mom's own worrying affected me until I read Sarah's buzz. Mom had a tough life growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father, and a stepmom who didn't give two "sh*ts* about her. I'm sure that created the perfect storm for my own mom when raising her children, especially after mom's rock, my father died.  

We all viewed our mom as a strong woman. I remember my Aunt used to say, I admire your mom, she's so strong, I wish I could be like her. I used to relate that to my mom and mom would say, " I don't like to hear that, and it actually angers me when she says that." I never quite understood why it would anger her until I found out that my Aunt was the only person who knew my dad had cancer because my dad wouldn't allow mom to share the news with anyone. Dad thought he could beat it. Even my dad's own mother didn't know until approximately 3 weeks before he passed away. He had cancer for 2 years. My Aunt never offered help to mom. My mom was going back and forth to the Cleveland Clinic on a frequent basis with my father for his treatment while taking care of 5 children, the youngest was 13 months old at the time of his diagnosis.  I'm assuming mom felt a bit of resentment towards my Aunt- who in mom's eyes was much better off financially and had the time to help out. 

I feel bad that it took me so long to understand that my mom probably had anxiety issues like myself. Something so many of us try to hide from the world and yes, our children. We do not want to appear weak. In my case, my kids know and are much more understanding today because they chose to become informed.  

People with Anxiety Disease don't want to talk about it

Many times to talk about what is making you anxious causes more anxiety if you are not in a place of healing. I believe that's why my mom didn't want to talk a lot about her Cancer diagnosis. She would make jokes about it and when the joke was presented we all knew to just let it be!  Mom also felt by not talking about her worries and/or anxious feelings she would spare us from worry. I understand why she felt that way because mothers who love their children so deeply try to spare them 'their own problems' and would rather focus on what's going on in their childrens lives; even if it worries them! I will never forget the last message my mom left on my phone. She called me on a Sunday evening while I was out. I got home and found I had 3 messages from her. They all said, "Lisa, dad and I are worried because you said you were coming to Ohio tonight and it's getting late. I wish you would call me back because you know I worry about all the deer on the road and I don't like you driving after dark." I heard her message when I got home and I was confused. I never told mom I was driving into Ohio on that evening. She sounded panicked. I called her back as soon as I heard her message and she was almost in tears by the time I got ahold of her. I saved that message. I haven't listened to it since her passing and not sure if or when I will. That was 3 months before she passed and I believe the cancer was back in mom's brain. Her focus was on all of us instead of herself.  By the way, my mom began referring to my step dad as 'dad' when she was diagnosed with cancer. I never called him dad until Mom's memorial. He took care of her with pure love and respected all her wishes. He was a part of our lives for 30 plus years. At mom's memorial, I gave a speech and towards the end of my speech,  I announced to him and everyone who attended that I loved him as my dad and I declared that day that he had been a father to me for much longer than he was aware. 

Like most women

My mom had a lot of vanity like most women. She was very picky about her hair. I worried how she would feel when she began to lose her hair from the chemo. Mom surprised me!  I created her facebook page 3 years prior to her diagnosis so she could keep in touch with family that lived out of town. In August of 2013 on a bright, sunny day my mom decided she wanted to change her profile picture on Facebook.  She said to me, "This is who I am NOW and I want to change my photo." I told mom, "Ok, let's go outside and get some photos of you on this beautiful day." She agreed and this is the photo that is still up on mom's page today. It popped back up as a memory and as you can see by reading my buzz, many memories flooded after I began to write this. It wasn't my intention to write a long post but when have I been known to write a short post?!! Here is the profile photo my mom was so proud of. Or maybe it was her way of showing us all that she was trying to accept where she was and she put on a brave face? 

I will end this as I always ended my notes to my mom, "I love you to the moon and back." I'm so glad you don't have to worry anymore and I know your spirit is present, I can feel it!