Suffering From Anxiety Disorder and Social Implications
Warning- This post will be bluntly honest.
Many of you that follow me know that I suffer from Anxiety and Panic Disorder. My mom passed away in January and it seems my Anxiety has been full blown for the past 4-6 weeks.
The only way I can describe anxiety is to compare it to being in a dark parking lot alone at night. Picture yourself walking to your car and getting ready to enter when out of nowhere a stranger grabs you. What sensation would you feel? I'm going to guess you would feel your heart pounding very fast, palms would become sweaty, legs feel like jelly and your mind would be circling with thoughts of- "Will I survive this?!" Let me state for the record, I hope no one would find themselves in a horrific circumstance like this. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. People with Anxiety Disorder experience the same symptoms but for no apparent reason.
When anxiety hits and lasts for any length of time- you feel like your in an abyss that you're unable to climb out of. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which is what I have been diagnosed with) appears out of nowhere and leaves when it's ready. You wake up with your heart beating 100 mph and go to bed feeling the same. Anxiety disorder, when full blown is a vicious, relentless cycle of symptoms. Another issue that arises when anxiety stays with you for any length of time- are racing thoughts, which are referred to as intrusive or obsessive thought patterns. I worry about money 24/7. I thought most people worried about money issues just as much as me until I began therapy and I was told that even with debt people without anxiety disorder don't worry constantly.
Another issue when anxiety is at it's worst- concentration and memory problems. I swear my short term memory is about 5 seconds long lately. Concentration isn't much better, which has made it hard for me to write. Writing always came so easily to me but it's dwindled because my anxiety is trumping!
I'm currently back in counseling and my counselor is using a newer module of therapy called EMDR.
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a powerful new psychotherapy technique which has been very successful in helping people who suffer from trauma, anxiety, panic, disturbing memories, post traumatic stress and many other emotional problems. Until recently, these conditions were difficult and time-consuming to treat. EMDR is considered a breakthrough therapy because of its simplicity and the fact that it can bring quick and lasting relief for most types of emotional distress."
I'm feeling hopeful because I have a psychologist that is well trained in EMDR and feels I will be able to re-train my brain to help offset the anxiety I've been plagued with for years. One thing to remember as I was reminded, the negative thought patterns began years ago and the brain will not re-wire itself overnight. It also takes a lot of self-practice (dedication) to the therapy if you are hoping to see results. As I was told, It's like exercising and trying to build muscle. This doesn't happen overnight and re-training your brain to adapt isn't a quick fix either.
I do know that social interaction is vital to my well-being. This is not the case if you suffer from social anxiety disorder. When I was working, I was much more focused because I had something to keep my mind busy other than the disruptive thoughts that occur when I'm home. I also had an income which helped to defer my worries. I am very pro-active with my husband's business but most of the work I do is done behind the scenes with little social interaction.
I live in a small, rural town and the job prospects are slim. I also feel I reached an age that allows me to be a bit picky when it comes to finding my next job. I have a diverse background and I learn fairly fast. Every job I've ever had- I had to learn how to do after being hired. So it's funny (not in a ha-ha type of way) that I'm so anxious while at home, yet focused and feeling a sense of calm when I'm working for an organization that values their employees.
The good news- Anxiety Disorder is something you can live with if you find out your triggers and divert your attention in a positive direction. You can live with Anxiety Disorder but it's vital to get professional help if it's consuming your life. Working outside of the home can be beneficial because you are focusing on something outside of yourself. Going to work gives you a sense of purpose and builds positive relationships outside of your home life. The key is finding a job that is conducive to your mental health. Actually, finding a job that's conducive to your mental health is wonderful in any scenario.
I won't lie, life seems tough right now but I'm holding on to hope that 'this too shall pass,' because I'm getting treatment and actively seeking employment. It's been over 2 years since I worked outside of my home and I miss it. I put a lot of things on hold when my mother was terminally ill. It's time to keep moving forward. Tomorrow always brings with it new beginnings and that's what I'm counting on.
Please feel free to share your own stories. I know it's hard for some people to share openly because they fear the stigma that is still attached to talking about 'brain disorders,' ( I don't like the term, mental). Anxiety disorder is more prevalent than people are aware- it's not selective. It's my hope with more discussion about anxiety disorder and panic disorder, we can learn from each other! Remember, you are not alone.
It's also my hope that employers become more educated because people should not have to hide the fact that they are afflicted with anxiety. Many times trying to hide the disease from others just makes it escalate. It's just as real as diabetes and many other illnesses.
Header image: from google images- original image can be found: http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html
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Comments
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #42
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #41
Its extremely hard to describe to others who haven't experinced it. I think my husband finally accepts its real. I do believe he thought I was being a hypochondriacand wimp for a long time, which caused me a great deal of added pain. Im glsd to hear EMDR works. Nice to see you back again Louise Smith!
Louise Smith
7 years ago #40
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #39
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #38
@emily, slip of the brain? Not sure why I did either. I suffer from the 'disorder' too. Maybe my brain felt diseased the day I wrote this ;-) Who knows what was on my mind the day I wrote this... I do know the difference and I've read this tons of times and never caught my error, thanks!
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #37
Hi Paul Walters, I'm sorry you've been afflicted with Anxiety and depression too. There is oft times no predictability to its pattern which is extremely frustrating. It comes and goes without warning. I have breaks from it. It always lurks. I think many times we try to put on our happy and fake demeanor to accommodate those around us and that alone, can take a physical toll on the body. There are people who say they understand but I dont think its possible if they've never experienced it. I see a lot of people who write about "anxious " times in their lives and how they overcame them etc.. thats great and I admire those people but if they really had Anxiety disease, the illness, they'd find its different than dealing with issues that cause a person to become anxious. I dont read articles about self help, perspective etc.. when it comes to illnesses like heart disease, thyroid disease and on the list goes. Why, because they are medical illnesses just like Chronic Anxiety disease and other illnesses classified as MENTAL, there in lies the problem, the stigma associated with the damn label and lack of education on behalf of many. Sorry I ranted, it hasn't been a good week , it came back with a fervor last week. Hoping your week was better! :)
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #36
Hi Robert Mckormic, sometimes people need drugs to get over the hump period, but they are not a cure. I agree, they are over prescribed and CBT is a good standard therapy that produces welcome results with many.
Paul Walters
7 years ago #35
Robert Cormack
7 years ago #34
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #33
So young! Ironically, I was diagnosed with nerve damage in my left ear too Debbie O'Halloran, a virus destroyed the balance nerve in my left ear. I take medication for life which for the most part keeps the vertigo away but the brain also learned to compensate some what with exercises. OMG, running out of the house, well if rolling over something got you over the panic, that's awesome LOL!
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #32
Hi Debbie O'Halloran, I'm so sorry I missed your comment. I'm also sorry you suffer from Panic Disorder, it's a tough battle at times. Were you diagnosed a child with Juvenile diabetes or as an adult? I have a brother in law who developed type 1 Diabetes at age 29, they think a virus affected his pancreas. Sending good thoughts to you!!
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #31
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #30
Followed, now deleting. Not sure how that happened? Charles David Upchurch
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #29
Thanks for sharing your experience Margaret Aranda, MD, PhD. I don't take issue with mental health. I do however, despise the term Mentally ill, or Mental Illness. It's vital to focus on the mind, body and spirit, they are all connected. Thanks for you comment!
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #28
Sara Jacobovici
7 years ago #27
Amen to that CityVP Manjit.
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #26
CityVP Manjit what a great response! I'm glad to hear someone else dislikes the term mental. The brain is one our vital organs yet when something goes wrong that can't be seen, people use terms that do cause stigmas and it also makes others afraid to seek help or possibly share what they are experiencing- it becomes a vicious cycle. My new granddaughter does give me renewed hope and I couldn't agree more, it's my HOPE too that the next generation will be much more enlightened, less judgmental and compassionate. Thanks so much for your wonderful comment!
CityVP Manjit
7 years ago #25
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #24
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #23
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #22
Thanks for your kind comments Margaret Aranda, MD, PhD :))
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #21
I never got a chance to begin the EMDR when I wrote this due to circumstances beyond my control so just getting started now @edward lewellen. I most certainly would consider hypnosis if this doesn't work because I'm determined to put this behind me. We have a good Hypnotist in NY which is only 30 mins from me. Thanks for you comment, appreciated!
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #20
Dale Masters I am just beginning EMDR but I would be happy to once I get a bit more involved. This is all new to me right now. I can understand what you are saying about your hypervigilance. Thanks for asking and I will PM you when I feel I have enough to share!!
Milos Djukic
7 years ago #19
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #18
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #17
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #16
John White, MBA, I meant to add, I'm so happy you didn't allow your ego to get in the way of treatment. I think mothers day and my parents anniversary (which was just a bit over a week ago) stirred up so more 'crap' and I guess that's fairly common during the first year?
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #15
Dean Owen, I hope the EMDR helps too. He said it can take time. I can't express how wonderful it is to know there are people who care and don't judge. I am very thankful for all of you!! I just woke up (insomnia) and almost didn't log on but I can't sleep so I thought I would check beBee. I'm glad I did.
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #14
Very in tune Alan Geller! I did find out from the guy I see that we tend to hold a lot in, worry a lot and yes, the death of a loved one can sure stir up a lot of emotion in different ways. When my dad died I think I cried myself to sleep for 6 months and thought I'd never stop crying again. I haven't done that with mom's death- but I have cried. I still can't believe this woman who was so full of life is gone. Thanks Alan!
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #13
John White, MBA, I seriously had tears when I read your comment. I know your pain, and when you mentioned lack of sleep, I'm very prone to panic attacks from lack of sleep too. I wonder what causes that? I get pre-anticipatory anxiety fearing I wont sleep well - it's a vicious cycle. I'm so sorry yours began after your father passed and I'm sorry you lost your dad, he must have been fairly young? John I also had tears because you are a VERY good friend and I appreciate your offer to call or text. That is really sweet of you! You are very busy, I hope you take time for yourself to just chill when you can, I have found that's a necessary ingredient and it's not selfish. Thanks so much John.
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #12
Thank you Diane Schultz, appreciated!
Dean Owen
7 years ago #11
John White, MBA
7 years ago #10
Ken Boddie
7 years ago #9
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #8
Hi Ken Boddie, I like your star wars analogy! I'm glad to hear to hear that your close relative is coming back after bad experiences with Dr's. It took me quite a while to find a Doctor and psychologist who fully understands this and continues to go to conferences with the latest research etc... they truly want to help and know the new techniques to utilize that can help to minimize with hopes of re-training the brain. That's half the battle, re-training old thinking processes after years of the processes we unknowingly chose or were conditioned to. I love your humor Ken and I look forward to many more laughs, that's what I love about beBee, we can be serious, share facts, op-eds, stories and yes- laughs! Laughter is always healing. Thank you for reading and for your kind response.
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #7
Hi Sara Jacobovici, thanks so much for taking the time to read this. For years I kept this silent because I was so afraid of the stigma so many attach to people who don't seem to fit a 'societal norm.' Through counseling and a few good friends and family members I learned it was ok to share and helps with healing in some ways when we don't hold all of this inside of us. It's a heavy burden to carry. I agree with you, my panic almost always sets in when my mind has been too idle. I am high functioning unless I'm idle and have one of these attacks. Even then, I know they don't last and that thought alone helps me to get back on track. It can be a vicious cycle when it's at it's worst. I don't feel unsafe in my environment but I think if people do a self defense course is a great idea. I hope one day they are able to understand this and other mental disorders that do affect people. I know they have been studying panic/anxiety for some time and are making small strides. They now realize that it's the amygdala and hippocampus which produce the responses and are tailoring meds to be more specific. Our brains are so complex, not an easy organ to study. Thank you so much for your response. I would love to see on-going discussions about this and more- it's helpful to so many who read without responding and those who do suffer in silence.
Ali Anani
7 years ago #6
With such a beautiful soul you shall make it dearrLisa Gallagher. Your writing is so absorbing that I can think of nothing, but your success in making the turnaround.
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #5
Hi Ali Anani, not sure when or why the anxiety became full blown. I can go a few years with feeling fairly 'normal,' but then again- define normal (that's rhetorical, I'm not asking you to define it). I've been through a lot in my lifetime that has led up to panic attacks and on-going anxiety. I just found out in the past 6 months that I've probably been dealing with PTDS for some time so it's going to take a lot of time to work through this to another level but I have faith in the professionals. I can relate to your story of being in dark tunnels- I hear that's a fear of many and I've experienced that before. Anxiety can feel like that or a panic attack, but it doesn't calm down right away and tends to come on after a major stressor. It's almost like a let down. Thanks for sharing your story about the tunnel and for your kind reply!
Ken Boddie
7 years ago #4
Sara Jacobovici
7 years ago #3
Ali Anani
7 years ago #2
Lisa Gallagher
7 years ago #1