Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago · 4 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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The Tides of Emotions

The Tides of Emotions

It's been a while since I've written a buzz. I feel like I've been a bit frozen in time lately. It's taken a lot of self-reflection to understand why it is I've felt this way. Before you read on, please let me warn you this blog will contain the topic of death and for those of you that are not comfortable with this particular topic, I thought I would give you the chance to duck now before reading on. 


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It's been a year and 7 months since my mom passed away. There are days it seems as though it's been longer but most of the time her loss seems like minutes ago. I can still hear her voice and I still go to pick up the phone to share exciting news with her, only to feel a stab in the gut as a reminder she is no longer here. 

After mom passed I felt her loss, I felt sad and I also felt a bit of relief knowing she didn't have to suffer long. I think I went into shock for some time after we lost our mom.  When the shock wore off, I went into another phase... I'm not even sure I can explain it but looking back it felt like a bit of denial. I knew she was gone but I was denying myself from feeling the fear of losing her prior to her death,  and LOSING her after she passed on. When denial left, I was angry, very angry. 

I didn't realize at the time that my anger was probably grief related. I blamed it on everything except grief. I found myself striking out at others for reasons I didn't truly understand. I allowed myself to not just feel anger but express it in unhealthy ways.  Was I aware at the time that I was directing my anger at others possibly in unjustifiable ways, no!  Did I feel justified at the time, yes! 

I have to admit, there were two distinct incidents that happened more than once that caused me to lash out. I was told by more than one person that I needed to move on. It annoyed a select few that I missed my mom and I was verbal about my feelings of loss. I thought by being verbal about her loss it would help me to heal. That wasn't the case considering there were a few who treated me like I was a whiney kid who couldn't get over not getting an extra scoop of ice cream. I not only felt invalidated but I felt as though it invalidated my mom's life.  Please note, I used the term, "felt." 

I would tell my siblings more than once that I could not watch our mom die when that time came. Well, we don't always get to pick and choose when it comes to loss. I was present and one thing I had a very hard time dealing with after she passed was the fact that I watched her die. Mom was in a deep coma her last day here on earth. Mom was blue and looked as though she was gone before she actually took her last breath. She struggled to breathe and she took a breath about every 20-30 seconds, that is until I told her my brother was on his way and would be there very soon. As soon as I told mom this, she began to breathe rapidly as if she was waiting for him to arrive. My brother walked through the door about 8 minutes or less after I told her he was on his way. He spoke to her privately, we all did. They say even if a person is comatose, the hearing is the last thing to go and I believe it after seeing her struggle to breath fast until my brother arrived. Within 5-10 minutes after he arrived my mom passed away.  For whatever reasons, I had been unable to let go of that picture in my mind until the last few days. Watching mom die felt like a horror movie in my mind replaying over and over. 

Someone just shared with me this past week or so that dying with dignity doesn't have anything to do with the dying process per se but more about living a life full of purpose and with love. A person has no regrets at the end of their life, they take that love with them and die with dignity. I believe it may have been Cyndi wilkins who touched on this. This resonated with me and gave me a new sense of calm deep within because my mothers life was one that touched so many. Mom was a school bus driver for 30 years and she was very loved by the kids, she took in others if they were having a difficult time and we were fairly poor but never poor in heart. Mom lived by example, not by words. I'm able to view her last day much differently now. The idea that she waited for my brother makes me wonder if people do choose when they are ready to leave this world? The big mystery that we will never know for sure but it gives me comfort in my heart to think that's possible. 

As for my anger, I had to learn to forgive a few people who were annoyed by my grieving. I guess they felt there was a time frame and at some point I should have just 'let it go and go on with my life.' Well, I did go on with my life but stagnated in some ways. As the old cliche goes, "There is no time limit on grief," and that's 100% true. It differs for each and everyone of us. We need to respect and nurture those we care about who are grieving.  I also reminded myself that we were brought up to accept differences in others. I had a kodak moment one day and realized that my anger was harming me and no one except me. 

I can look at mom's photos now without feeling deep pain. Do I still have days that I break down crying, hell yes! But, I feel more balanced and I think I can finally say, I'm able to move on and find peace in the idea that my mom will always live on in my heart, through my children and I feel her presence at times. 

I feel fortunate that I grew up in a home filled with love and I can only hope my own children feel the same. 





I will always miss her but my heart has room for a lot of love on this journey we call life. 


"
#mom #time #day #life #way
Comments

Lyon Brave

6 years ago #56

it would be weird if you dis not miss your mom everyday.my mom is alive and i am just abroad and i miss my mommy lol maybe they needed some wrath

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #55

In respect and a bit of trepidation I comment, dear Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher. I'm very blessed to read your love-filled account; your mother's dignity lay in that bed, but on the inside of her - that's what I choose to believe...how else could she have sufficient control to wait? The process of dying is an awful right of passage to watch, but I feel that the soul of the passing are graced with peace for the most part; at least in the end. You are always the best of daughters.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #54

#58
I like that thought, "They got their wings," Gloria \ud83d\udc1d \ud83d\udc3e \ud83d\udcab \u2615 (Glo) Ochoa. My sister says that too and we all say, we have our angel watching over us.

Gloria (Glo) Ochoa

6 years ago #53

what a lovely poem..thank you Puneet Srivastava I always try to remember when I get sad, that they would not want me to be sad, they left together (how they wanted to) and they are no longer in pain here. I never say they died..seems so harsh (even tho true)..I say they got their wings. In my mind's eye...that is much more accepting.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #52

#56
Wow, very powerful Puneet Srivastava! Thank you. Hope you are doing well :)

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #51

Thank you for sharing my buzz and for your honest, heartfelt comment.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #50

#53
I'm sorry you still feel such a loss when your dad comes to mind . As they say, it can come in waves and the pain is real. Many times I feel thankful I can still feel because it reminds me although she's gone, she will always live in my heart and the same with your father. That is something no one can take from us, our precious memories. At times I too, feel as though I could have valued the many times I had with my mom but took for granted. I think that is not uncommon so don't be hard on yourself. Until we face the idea of losing a loved one I think it's easy to take those we love for granted (unintentionally). The good thing, your heart comes from a place of love and compassion and I'm sure you dad always felt that from you. I'm sure he never felt taken for granted. As a parent myself with grown children, I know their lives have taken their own paths now but I also know that they love me unconditionally, faults and all. You are making a difference in this world and I bet your dad always knew you would and you probably were doing that before he passed too in many ways you weren't even aware of. Don't be hard on yourself but remember, it's OKAY to feel what you need. I lost my father when I was 10 yrs old and there are times I still feel like I need him, I cry for a minute and then I talk to him. Joels' comment was great and made so much sense!

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 years ago #49

Dear dear Lisa a big HUG to you. I always told you, 'You are a champion and you are unique. It's different for each of us like Pascal said. Even to this minute tears come streaming down just mentioning my dad's absence in my life, a feeling in my chest, a lump in my throat. No-one truly understands, it's our own heart, at its own pace, learning to embrace, value and be thankful for their presence on earth. It's like they take a piece of us that we don't really need anymore. Like for me it was not valuing the time I had with him. In a way the lesson he taught me to treasure every minute I have with every person I know and be thankful for every blessing I receive and to be generous with love to all people like he always did. I love what Joel said "So all we can do is continue the journey of life long learning and navigating the changes along its path realizing that in our experiences, relationships, associations, interactions and just being human we truly benefit and grow from stories like yours. That despite the challenges and changes along the way, in the end, we can and will find our way home." Sending you loads of love and happiness to fill that beautiful heart of yours.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 years ago #48

Dear dear Lisa a big HUG to you. I always told you, 'You are a champion and you are unique. It's different for each of us like Pascal said. Even to this minute tears come streaming down just mentioning my dad's absence in my life, a feeling in my chest, a lump in my throat. No-one truly understands, it's our own heart, at its own pace, learning to embrace, value and be thankful for their presence on earth. It's like they take a piece of us that we don't really need anymore. Like for me it was not valuing the time I had with him. In a way the lesson he taught me to treasure every minute I have with every person I know and be thankful for every blessing I receive and to be generous with love to all people like he always did. I love what Jerry said "So all we can do is continue the journey of life long learning and navigating the changes along its path realizing that in our experiences, relationships, associations, interactions and just being human we truly benefit and grow from stories like yours. That despite the challenges and changes along the way, in the end, we can and will find our way home." Sending you loads of love and happiness to fill that beautiful heart of yours.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #47

#49
Thanks for reading my buzz Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee :)

Ali Anani

6 years ago #46

I tried to give a simple scientific reasoning on how to deal with such grievances in my buzz of today (by pair spinning the negative emotion with a counter positive one) https://www.bebee.com/producer/@ali-anani/pairing-repelling-comments#c5

Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee

6 years ago #45

I mourn your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #44

#45
Great quote by Hugh Prather, Joel Anderson, and so true! I like ( I think) the idea that we can sense our way home. Possibly that's the 3/4's of the journey, being alive enough to keep those senses open, so we can 'sense' our way home as well. Somehow we arrived here (our souls), we sensed our way here or did we choose? I always wonder about that. I'd like to read the book, it sounds interesting. Sending you good thoughts, I know this has been a tough time for you Joel.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #43

#43
I'm really glad the video resonated Tausif Mundrawala. I have found things like that can be tough to listen to but the more we listen, the more we may shed tears and clear our heads as well. Tears are healing and yes, I truly empathize with you. I know how much you loved your dear mom. Still sending good thoughts your way!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #42

#42
Louise Smith, thanks! I'm so happy I'm out of the anger phase. I think that in some ways was the worst. I'm finally able to feel warm feelings and the grief has been slowly lifting. I'm so thankful that I had a mother that I will always feel deep love towards.

Joel Anderson

6 years ago #41

#30
Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher One interesting journey indeed. "Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes." Hugh Prather. In the 20th Anniversary introduction to his book Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become Human (*not an endorsement--just a reflection*), he makes this comment about progress: "In our hearts, we can all sense the way home..." So all we can do is continue the journey of life long learning and navigating the changes along its path realizing that in our experiences, relationships, associations, interactions and just being human we truly benefit and grow from stories like yours. That despite the challenges and changes along the way, in the end, we can and will find our way home. (Spiritually, Physically, Metaphysically, Cosmically, or in just living the moments we are given). In trying to find the truth of my own path, I find comfort in knowing that there are others on the same quest. I am me, You are You, and We are We. Keep making a difference Lisa: one person, one step at a time. Thank you again.

Sara Jacobovici

6 years ago #40

#39
Thank you Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher!

Louise Smith

6 years ago #39

Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher By dealing with the inescapable even though you passed through denial and anger, you are a stronger person. a braver person, a more understanding person. Your Mother is proud of you ! People without real compassion criticise and fall away. Do not concern yourself with them. Instead focus on the good memories, the funny stories, the dedication of your Mother as you knew her better than they did. You have learnt something about yourself that they will never know or even consider possible. Your Mother did a good job nurturing and is still teaching you. Look into your heart and know you are worthy.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #38

#38
Hi Deb\ud83d\udc1d Lange, Brand Ambassador @beBee. I agree, we don't spend enough time feeling and sharing grief. It shouldn't be viewed as something negative because just as much as birth is a part of life, so is death- I will always celebrate my mothers life. We didn't celebrate my fathers because he died before Hospice was created and during a time when to talk about death was hush. Thanks for your lovely comment!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #37

#36
I meant to thank you for sharing & thank you too!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #36

#35
Dear Sara Jacobovici, I hope the music was soothing. I have to admit, tears will still stream when I hear those songs but that's a cleansing feeling. How are you? It hasn't been long at all. You know what stood out for me in the first song, when he sang, "And I remember all the things we did, when I was a little kid." I swear those are the memories that come flooding back. A friend lost her mom before I lost mine and she said, "I feel like a child again, missing my mom." I understand now. I find the childhood memories put a smile on my face now. That's my wish for you, more smiles than tears- all in your own time. I'm very glad we met too! Bless you Sara.

Louise Smith

6 years ago #35

FYI https://www.bebee.com/producer/@louise-smith-state-of-queensland/how-do-you-cope-with-grief

Sara Jacobovici

6 years ago #34

I let Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher speak for herself.

Sara Jacobovici

6 years ago #33

Dear Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher, thank you for being you. You're post is a gift, a timely gift. I took in all your words, feelings, insights and music and they make a difference. You make a difference. I also appreciate the comments from your readers as it just expands on the opening you provided. Thank you Lisa, I am grateful for our connection here on beBee.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #32

Tausif Mundrawala, there is an update at the end of this dedicated to you.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #31

#29
Ditto my friend Gloria \ud83d\udc1d \ud83d\udc3e \ud83d\udcab \u2615 (Glo) Ochoa, big hugs back!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #30

#28
Thank YOU stephan metral \ud83d\udc1d Innovative Brand Ambassador :))

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #29

#27
Tausif Mundrawala, I'm so glad you were able to share what you did about your mom!! Thank goodness the stages (or phases, as I call them) tend to pass. They say if we get stuck too long in any one stage (what's too long? I'm not sure) to seek help. Anyhow, it sounds like what you are experiencing is completely normal and who knows Tausif, maybe she is near you on the couch and wants you to know she may not be able to be seen now but she's your angel watching over all of you. We began calling mom our angel and you know what... sometimes I even talk out loud to her, it's OK! I'm so glad you enjoyed that song. I have another song I posted before mom passed. I will have to find it and tag you in that one. It's beautiful . I thought of you when I wrote this Tausif, I thought of many people. Together, we are all on a journey and it's good to have beautiful friends along for the each turn we take!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #28

#26
Joel Anderson, I've been thinking of you, my friend. I hope life is treating you well right now. Life sure is one heck of a journey, isn't it?

Gloria (Glo) Ochoa

6 years ago #27

#11
YOU are awesome Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher ! Big hugs...

stephan metral 🐝 Innovative Brand Ambassador

6 years ago #26

#21
You know what? We feel good! Keep writing !

Joel Anderson

6 years ago #25

Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher Thanks for the insights and opening your heart and self to all of us. Well said. A kindred spirit navigating a similar journey.

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #24

The journey never ends girlfriend...Love goes on;-)

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #23

#19
Suffering in silence has to be extremely painful and I would think it would take much longer to work through. I love that you wrote, my mother IS an amazing teacher. She really IS :)) Thanks Cyndi wilkins

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #22

#18
Hi Kevin Baker, I'm so sorry you have been through similar experiences. Life can be so good and so painful at the same time. Sending good thoughts your way!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #21

#16
So beautifully said , "It is human and it is healthy to spend time with matters of the heart." I agree and I've always felt that way. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost and is in pain. I love how you mentioned the sun shines on the other side!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #20

#14
So many of us have lost our parents. My father died when I was young. I'm glad to hear you speak to your parents as I do too! I do believe they are on a higher plane now and they are able to hear and see us. I will even talk out loud at times when no one is around. That's cute, "expatriates" I like that Stephan! Sending my best to you and thank you for sharing too!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #19

#13
Hi Paul Walters, yes and after reading your buzz a few days ago - really does make one stop and take pause.

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #18

So it is Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher...as we wish not to be judged for our emotions during the grieving process, so too can we not judge others for their perceived 'lack thereof'...suffering in silence it seems is much more painful...holding back the tears and swallowing one's feelings as a show of strength does nothing but stoke the flames...as you said, it only hurts YOU more. Blessed be love...Your mother IS an amazing teacher;-)

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

6 years ago #17

recommended and so human and touching, by our wonderful sis bee Lisa, thank you!

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

6 years ago #16

By expressing your feelings so authentically and by just being true to your heart, you give other bees the chance to honor their heart and feelings too. It is human and it is healthy to spend time with matters of the heart. Thank you for showing us how beautiful you really are deep within. Saying goodbye is a process and goes via many steps. But when we are not afraid and walk the path, the sun awaits us on the other side. Thank you Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher

stephan metral 🐝 Innovative Brand Ambassador

6 years ago #15

Shard in MybeBeeTV as per quality and video content.

stephan metral 🐝 Innovative Brand Ambassador

6 years ago #14

Gallagher good to see a buzz was long sleeping in the back of your head and couldn't wait more to appear to the light. Let me share with you my story, the short hard version of fact, everyone around me died when I was 22 +/-. My folks won't see from an Earth perspective their grand kids , play with then, all the family stuff.But I love to believe they're our guardian angels now around everywhere. Heal your inside pain and emotions, let tears flow out, mourn in time, Your mum is all around, in everyday little thing, do stuff you like in her memory. Life and death are a step to another state, an etheric one. Consider the beloved ones as expatriates in another physical world. You still can talk to them, inside of you. They are "seeing" your arisng here, and proud of the courage their daughter shows in everyday's life. We are not alone.And I am because we are. mark my words . I love this buzz

Paul Walters

6 years ago #13

Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher Life with all its wonderment can be a cruel thing ...makes me wonder !

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #12

#8
Lance \ud83d\udc1d Scoular, I appreciate your heart felt words. Thanks and many blessings to you and your beautiful family!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #11

#7
I'm so sorry it was a hard week for you Gloria \ud83d\udc1d \ud83d\udc3e \ud83d\udcab \u2615 (Glo) Ochoa. How long has it been since you lost your mom? Loss really does hit in waves for many. Sending you hugs, not an easy time when something may come up and it feels like an open wound all over again.

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #10

#6
Hi Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee, again wise words. Death most certainly is our destiny and I'm glad my mom sowed the seeds of love instead of anger and hate. It's much easier to love than to hold on to hatred and in the end, hate and/or grudge holding only hurts the person holding on to it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, highly appreciated!!

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #9

#3
Pascal Derrien, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother in law and you're so right, every person processes loss differently. You wrote, "It can not be helped, forced upon or even be expected to adhere to whatever frame work some people have in mind." Oh I wish I would have had those wise words handy when an extended family member (actually 2 of them) felt I should have moved on after 5 months, I kid you not. No offense to Christians but they call themselves Christians yet after my mom's memorial, I never heard from them, they didn't reach out but were the first to judge me for not moving on. I have forgiven them but I will never forget. I will also add, I would never treat them in that manner. Sometimes during a difficult event, people really do show their true colors. You find out who your real friends are. Thank you for your words of wisdom and again so sorry!

Lance 🐝 Scoular

6 years ago #8

We appreciate your sharing of this heartfelt post Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher The pain and anger you suffered relects the deep and loving relationship you had with you mother. ❤⚘

Gloria (Glo) Ochoa

6 years ago #7

oh my gosh Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher thank you for sharing this with me...I totally understand and feel your heart. Some times those memory milestones hit a certain way that only one that knows can understand. This last week was one of those .... Much love....

Ali Anani

6 years ago #6

Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher- what you felt moving from denial to anger is a natural human process. This is exactly what investors do when prices in the stock market drop. They first deny the fact and then become very angry when prices keep dropping. You are a normal human beings to feel what you feel. Your late mother invested in bringing up a family with love. Love hurts, but this is the lovely part of love. Is there love without pain? Our friend Edward Lewellen made great comments on my last buzz Reverse Strategic Thinking. In his comments he highlighted the need on removing the emotions from painful memories. I strongly recommend reading Edward's comments. I am also tagiing him because he also passed through the same pain when his young daughter passed away. It is the only constant fact that death is our destiny. There is no way to escape this fact. But death of a body isn't the death of the seeds the passing body left behind. At least your mom left great seeds that grow love in a world that is filled with grudge and hatred. Is there a better way to remember your mom?

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #5

Puneet Srivastava- sort of an update along ;-)

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #4

#2
There sure is a vacuum but it seems I've been finding my strength finally. Holding on to certain traditions, creating new ones and being surrounded by those who love us deeply and likewise help us to heal. Thank you very much for your wise and kind words

Pascal Derrien

6 years ago #3

My mother in law passed away back in April and I can witness the grieving process going at different pace for different member of the family especially her daughters and my son. It can not be helped, forced upon or even be expected to adhere to whatever frame work some people have in mind. It is what it is and most of us should respect that, writing about it is part of your process and she would appreciate the thoughts you have for her.

Mohammed Abdul Jawad

6 years ago #2

Verily, we feel care, love, security and solace under the aegis of our parents, and without any of them, we are, as if, left in a vacuum, with more saddening loss that oft reminds us of past memories. More patience and strength to you Lisa \ud83d\udc1d Gallagher

Lisa Gallagher

6 years ago #1

Since it's been a while, I thought I'd tag a few friends. Lance \ud83d\udc1d Scoular

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