Lisa Vanderburg in Lifestyle, Writers Jul 18, 2018 · 1 min read · 2.4K

Love and loss

This is a true story told through the eyes of a child that lived most of her life in terror. This then is how I see it at the emotional age I was then.

Love and loss

‘This is YOUR fault. You and you alone are to blame and this is the price that you will pay.’ I begged him, pleaded with him, made every conceivable promise. Didn’t matter.

I cradled Duke’s heavy head on my lap as he lay dying, stroking his hair, kissing his brow. His beautiful eyes - a deep well of such purity and understanding, stayed locked on mine, were filled with unutterable love, absolute acceptance, a complete yet terrible trust that broke my soul into a million shards.I did not deserve his faithfulness nor his unquestioning adoration, for I was his murderer. Even as his eyes glazed over, he questioned me not. Silently I cried, as I always do.

‘That’s what happens…’ my father accused. His glare I would not meet, for I knew they were filled with the hateful, gleeful gloating of triumph. The other man, kneeling too close to me now moved away, as if he could hear the breaking of my heart. ‘Now for her. Get her and hold her down’ he commanded us both. Duke’s partner Zoe had backed herself into the corner as much as she could considering the restraints. The man, who looked as horrified as Zoe had already inserted the needle into Zoe’s vein on my father’s instructions before I killed Duke. Father sat on a chair; we were kneeling on the floor - now wet with not only Duke’s urine, but Zoe’s too; her last shred of dignity lost to the terror of seeing her mate die.

‘Please….for the love of God…’ the man weakly pleaded to my father. The quiver in his voice betraying his fear. I glanced between both men for any sign of hope. ‘DO AS YOU ARE PAID TO DO’, my father said quietly and calmly, his unblinking glower fully engaged on this inferior being who would have no chance in hell of argument….no one did.

A moment past. ‘Get on with it!’ my father’s patience ran dry. Me and the man scooted our drenched legs over to Zoe. Lord, forgive me...she ignored him but looked at me with such perfidy; my treachery, duplicity showed the dawning panic in the whites of her eyes and trembling of her body. The man put his weight on her and went for the plunger.


As always, stupid hope came up in me.

‘No.’ father said to the man, ‘she pushes the plunger.’

‘...please dad….no...please’ I begged, so horrified that this could get any harder.

‘You,’ he indicted to the man ‘hold her down tight.’ he said, pointing to Zoe who sensing the heightened alert, started to whimper. ‘Clamp her mouth’.

I was an isolated 12 year old who knew little of this world. My entire being rested on a knife’s edge of watching and waiting on this man - the was no room for anything else.

‘I’m so so sorry…’ I whispered to Zoe as she looked at me with hate and resignation. I pushed the plunger.


No, these aren't ours - I don't have any pics of them.

NB: All us kids loved those dogs. Even my father did. What did I do to incur such wrath? I forgot to de-poop their large out-door pen....once.

Harvey Lloyd Jul 24, 2018 · #44

#42 A follow up thought now that i have a whole half a brain awake.

The biblical stories show us how individuals meet chaos and overcome. No government, no regulations or social police. Merely the individaul and their beliefs.

We dont sleep in tents or can we break off into tribes and live this life. But it shows us that chaos is in fact an individaul issue. It can be shared and walked with others who can support and help.

Somehow we are now starring that individaul chaos is causal. You did it, they did it or regulation didnt cover it. I appreciate the thought that we can legislate chaos from the human paradigm. But several of the past leaders have tried the utopian society where chaos is eliminated. This ended in wars and tragic outcomes for many groups of people.

No the framers of our constitution new chaos was something that could only be held at bay by the individaul. The Bible shows us how to manage this chaos, not eliminate it. But most religions offer a way of balancing chaos and order.

Beware of those who see government, the new religion, relieving you of your chaos. I believe the serpent is fooling us yet again.

Oxymoron, Hello i am from the government, i am here to help:)

Harvey Lloyd Jul 24, 2018 · #43

#42 Yes unfortunately i fall in the “deplorable” group as decided by Ms. Clinton.

I believe in what happened at the mid 1600’s, individuals have inalienable rights in which they were born. Although history shows some poor execution around this right, we shouldn’t throw it away because we missed the mark a few times.

Some of my comments with you have expressed these ideals. Chaos visits and we want solutions and the government is setting there with a possible solution. But each time the government fixes something we give up a few more of the individaul rights.

Here in America not only are we deplorable but if you have any flavor of religion that is not in vogue you have reached an under catogory of Neanderthal deplorable.

Yes lets throw away thousands of years worth of hard won thought and civil understanding and rewrite everything. Starting with our constitution and moving back.

From the Bible to the Constitution i dare say that their are only a few who rightly grasp its full concepts and meanings. Specifically as it would apply to the future. Seems as though many here think they have come to the edge of knowledge and wisdom. Now they want to lead us to nirvana.

I am starting to feel like Pinocchio.

Lisa Vanderburg Jul 24, 2018 · #42

#41 Adroitly put Harvey, as always, you leave me with more questions! Yes, chaos is the order of the day; too many have either dangled 'the fat juicy steak' for their own devious designs or just used the tenderizing mallet. I am curious to 'I am in the group that needs to die right now'. The obvious answer lies in our mutual faith, but I wonder if you have a different meaning?

Essential as Government is, it has come a long way from Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. No matter, our individual responsabilities and values are up to us, not human authorities; I think so many have forgotten this or become lazy?

+1 +1
Harvey Lloyd Jul 23, 2018 · #41

#39 Absolutely, Rom Emanuel of Obama days made no bones about it, "we should never waste a good crisis". When chaos presents itself, it came form somewhere. My lack of knowledge or understanding of what my behavior would bring upon me or it was existential. Right now we see a small group of folks attempting to blow up various chaos bubbles of identity politics while they can be the savior. Chaos is an opportunity to understand humanities evolution or a chance to grab power of solution. Although i wish solutions i am always afraid of folks who think that the government and authority is the answer.

Chaos is a condition that allows us to understand the worst parts of our behavior and seek to understand and add to our body of knowledge. But it is the fat juicy steak that humans can also use to attain power. I know it is a power grab when the chaos is explained as one group has to die in order to move forward. I am in the group that needs to die right now. But like in most history the methods of dealing with chaos always circle back to those who imposed the death penalty to the first group. Chaos is a none discriminatory aspect of life.

As for Patton, a man who was born at the right time with the right attitude to meet what we were up against, much as Winston Churchill was the same. But each was lost without the enemy.

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Lisa Vanderburg Jul 23, 2018 · #40

#38 Thank you my love!! Yes, I'm practicing exorcism of my own demons, which a fairly legion as you know, lovely @Lana Liniger!

Lisa Vanderburg Jul 23, 2018 · #39

#37 I can just see you shouting out 'Pardon me, ma'am!' in the native tongue of whoever's plants were flattened - such a Gent, Harvey!!

Order is mere idea until one understands the nature of chaos and identifies the source. Of course, there are always those that don't want order, I guess. Seems to me people like Patton (no disrespect) thrived on the fight between what some have called 'good v evil' but really it's a battle of order v chaos. The question is, in a corporate world, would [he] be tempted to 'create' chaos in order to restore codification?

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Lana Liniger Jul 23, 2018 · #38

Lisa, glad you are able to write your thoughts in a safe place but so sad you have to have those memories. Writing is healing they say....hope it helps. smoochies ~ LL

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Harvey Lloyd Jul 22, 2018 · #37

#36 When others or ourselves expose chaos it can over run us and force us down a path. Or we can seek order within the chaos as a path out to where we can not only serve ourselves but others also.

Been in some tough spots before and it was only the seeking of order that held me from the brink of disaster. It wasn't pretty, matter of fact it was ugly, Patton would have been proud. But in a few weeks i was no longer in the grips of chaos.

Did have to level out some apologies though. People take offense when you drive a tank through their flower bed.

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