Terms of Endearment: Love You Honey Pie

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, no more.

Before I get your hopes up, this article is not about cute-faced helpless little precious babies that are essentially cute to encourage us to protect them instead of kill them. In case you don’t know why babies are so cute, it’s an evolutionary adaptation so we won’t pass up babies left in a ditch and feel inspired to take care of them based on adorability, instead of abandon them. I hope you enjoyed that brief science lesson on the evolution of baby cuteness because that’s all you get.

This article is about love. More accurately, this article is about not misleading people in love through the use of your speech. Nobody likes a liar. Nobody likes false promises, and nobody likes a broken heart. Therefore, do not call someone you have no romantic interest in Babe, Baby, or Love Dove. If they are not your Love Dove, then don’t call them that. This philosophy is not based on rocket science but integrity.

Yeah, there are other terms of endearment that should probably be on the list like Sweetheart, Doll, Kitten, but the list of pet names we can call our significant other can go on and on. We can name them after food, animals, inside jokes and made up things entirely. That being said, sweet nothings should be reserved for our lovers and not used on passing strangers, acquaintances, and friends.

If you are not romantically interested in dating someone, then never call them Baby, not even once, because it makes no sense to call someone you don’t want to see romantically Baby. If you are the type to run around town, wearing sunglasses to mask your face and feelings, while calling everyone you encounter Love, Baby and Babe because you think you are a player and are too narcissistic to learn people’s names, fuck off, you selfish bastard. People aren’t pawns in your artificial love game.

Terms of endearment should not be used loosely. Terms of endearment should apply to a very specific person, like the love of your life. When you say “Hey Baby,” you are saying hello to your sweetheart, not your sister or your friend. In fact, you are omitting their name in exchange for a word that represents your special relationship with them. Kenny might become Kenny-Poo and Sarah might become Lady Love, Sarah might become Princess, and Kaitlynn might become Doll Face, but most just become Babe or Baby, which is why we shouldn’t use these very special words casually.

The word Babe isn’t casual. The word Babe is a jolt to the chest and a reminder of love. We all know that saying those 3 little words is a big deal. Those 3 words are I Love You, silly. You know better than to say “I Love You” carelessly. You at least know feelings are involved and intertwined once you say it. Saying “I Love You” is like super gluing your palm to another’s palm. Once those words are out there, pulling apart isn’t easy. Pulling apart is going to hurt. You will most likely lose some skin and a flat screen TV. -Lyon Amor Brave

With that being said, we all need to be careful when saying one magic little word, Baby!!!! Baby is like a love bullet to the chest. Baby is like cupid’s arrow. Baby is a powerful word to getting into the heart. It’s like the forty thieves saying, “Open Sesame.” It’s a magic word to get into a cave of treasures, and if you are not worthy of protecting that treasure once it is in your possession, then you shouldn’t open your mouth or the cave in the first place. I bet, phonetically, we are wired to fall in love through sounds, the same way we are wired to protect a baby for its cuteness. We respond to the phonetics of sweet nothings because they are supposed to mean something very valuable indeed.

Don’t be careless with people’s hearts. Don’t lead people on you have no interest in, and don’t play dumb. Really, you’re surprised that person thinks you like them when you constantly call them “Baby” every time you hang out. How are they supposed to know you don’t like them romantically when your verbal cues scream you do? Hmmm Hanging out+ the use of classic terms of endearment= it’s safe to say they like me like that. #dickmove

Moral of the Story: When you call someone you don’t want to date Baby, you are being a misleading asshole, and you have no right to act surprised when this person tells you they love you back. Only call someone you would care about in the same capacity as your own baby, Baby.

TIP: In regard to love, Baby be careful.