The Confluence of Pain and Change — a Conversation

Red Diamonds Features is an interview-rich publication that converses on topics of communication, decision making, behavior, conflict, trust, courage, resilience and courage and reputation and crisis.

Individuals and organizations alike get stuck emotionally, psychologically and with behavior. That state of “stuck” becomes problematic as with it also comes risk and costs.

Personal development professional Tony Robbins has spoken about this experience, as well as the growth that is always possible:

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

So what does that mean, specifically, in the minds of four professionals gathered here today who work with and serve clients seeking or needing cognitive development in their lives?

They talk about this topic in a conversation that in essence examines what is behind this subconscious or conscious commitment to staying the same and what can help us as individuals or organizations move through it.

Jen O’Neill, Personal Development and Mindset Expert
Buddha Belly

“Those who aren’t quite there yet (ready and committed to change) will still come up with reasons to stay the same. They’re worried that changing will take more effort than staying the same or that somehow their current actions are serving them.

“I dealt with this a lot myself when it came to anxiety. It felt like worrying about everything somehow made me better at my job and if I stopped being so anxious things would fall through the cracks.

“When people lose something because they won’t change and it causes so much inner turmoil they can’t take it anymore, that’s when they say ‘enough is enough.’ That’s when they’re ready to surrender these harmful behaviors and start to embrace change.

“It’s not something you can push someone into seeing. All you can do is guide them there.

“When they’re on the other side after implementing changes they laugh because it was so damn obvious how staying the same was hurting them but they just couldn’t see it until pain opened their eyes.”

Chris Hayes, Founder and Mental Performance Coach
Amplified Performance

“The thing with pain is that it isn’t the same in every situation. The issue many times is, under what environment did you experience it?

“If I had to grab a box cutter and slice my shin, undoubtedly I’d feel quite a bit of anxiety and the angst leading up to the act would be palpable. And guess what? That’d be painful.

“On the contrary, if I was completely exhilarated hiking up the side of a beautiful mountainscape as the birds around me chirped and the clouds gave way to a gorgeous view below, I may excitedly take a break at a particular overlook and while admiring the beauty around me realize my shin had been sliced by a razor-sharp rock while I climbed.

“In the second case, I didn’t really even feel it. Yet it was the same pain, right?

“When I’m working with my athletes and they are coming up to a point of growth or change, I urge them to be aware of the hike and the mountain.

“Why is it exciting to break through and make this change? What is your new viewpoint going to be once you’ve made the change?

“Too often our human nature is to dwell on the fear. Let’s do away with that and instead be curious about what you are going to feel like throughout the climb and what the goal is.

“How is the challenging climb actually rewarding? And most importantly, what’s going to take your breath away once you are at the top and can see over the other side?”

Christene Lozano, Therapist and Sex Addiction Therapist
Meraki Counseling

“We are often propelled to change when there is a hot enough fire under our ass to do so. Some folks decide they would rather live in a familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven because uncertainty is understandably anxiety provoking.

“At the same time, growth happens outside of our comfort zone. We need to stretch ourselves in order to expand and grow.

“I use this notion often with my clients, along with Abraham Maslow’s ‘In any given moment, we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety’ due to my therapy specialty — a large majority of my clients have trauma histories.

“With trauma often comes a different and at times distorted lens in which someone views themselves and the world.

“I have helped clients dive deep into their painful inner world and explore their most vulnerable spaces to expand their colored lenses and pivot their actions to be more aligned with their true values.”

Suzanne Hughes, Aligned Action Coach & Hypnotherapist to Entrepreneurs
Suzanne Hughes

“I see incredibly skilled, knowledgeable, intelligent women day in and day out that are stuck and overwhelmed in their lives and businesses because they are fearful of stepping out of their comfort zone and embracing change.

“People typically come to me when they have tried everything. This is because they are so fed up of their circumstances but the pain of change is still too great.

“I help to create freedom from self-sabotage by reducing the fear of change, so that the pain of staying where they are finally outweighs the fear of stepping out of their comfort zone.

“Once we have released fears about change, whether that’s fear of failure or success, then clients are free from the self-sabotaging behaviors keeping them in their comfort zones and they can finally move forward and grow.”

Gratitude to Jen, Chris, Christene and Suzanne for the generosity of their time, experiences, viewpoints, expertise and this conversation.

Michael Toebe is a specialist for reputation, professional relationships communication and wiser, more successful crisis management, serving individuals and organizations.

In addition to writing Red Diamonds Features, he writes the Red Diamonds Newsletter, a weekly publication on Medium about communication, decision making, behavior, conflict, trust, relationships, resilience, courage, reputation and crisis. He also writes Bag of Red Diamonds (on Revue) and is the host of the Red Diamonds Podcast with Michael Toebe.

Contact: RedDiamondsFeatures@Gmail.com