Nicole Chardenet en Love, Dating, Romance, Marriage & Divorce, Lifestyle, Humor (English) Salescritter • BLUERUSH Digital Marketing 13/11/2017 · 2 min de lectura · +800

Adventures In Mid-Life Dating, Part 1: I Wish I Was A Lesbian

Adventures In Mid-Life Dating, Part 1: I Wish I Was A Lesbian

Q: What do lesbians do on the second date?

A: Rent a U-Haul!

This is the first of what will probably be an ongoing series the human race is doomed :)

I detailed in my previous post about men who self-select out of the pool on a dating site like Spinal Tap (my fictitious name for a real online dating service) by not filling out the profile information.

Women find this incredibly important, but men rely on their insane hotness to sell us on why we should encourage what amounts to a total stranger walking up to us and saying, “So, want to go out for coffee?”

Go ahead, ask me anything!”

I mean, even if you’ve got sex appeal that could stop a speeding train, smart women will still want to know more about you than how you look in a shirt. Or even worse, as a shirtless headless torso.

For a well-written explanation as to why men have a near-zero chance of scoring a strange woman they approach in public, unless she’s the sort that wants to wind up as the lead story on Channel Four tonight as a missing person, please read Schrodinger’s Rapist by romance novelist Phaedra Starling.

In a nutshell, a stranger could be dangerous, or at the very least a huge pain in the ass to deal with, so remember this before you approach a woman on the subway platform and start in with the you’re-so-beautiful stuff. Or if you do, have your brief biography and background criminal check in hand. She’ll need something to read on the way home anyway.

Related: No Dating Profile? Make An Effort, Dude!

So as part of my ever-evolving dating strategy based on tech sales methodology, I did some more research. In marketing parlance it would be called ‘competitor research’, but I don’t actually regard other women as competition. It’s because I’m so insanely hot!!! Ha ha, just kidding. I was just looking for good ideas I could incorporate into my own profile and message.

What were my sisters in singlehood doing? I changed my search criteria to Men Looking For Women.

Holy crap!

These chicks were hot!

Every single one of the dozen or so results were of good-looking women from 35-60. Okay, I expected the younger ones to be babes but I figured there’d be more mixed results for the older ones. There were none. These babes were bitchin’!

What a contrast to the middle-aged men’s photos - out-of-focus, schlumpy, badly-dressed, and often scowling or unsmiling. I sift through, knowing looks aren’t everything and in all honesty, I really am more interested in how closely we match. There was a new one this week, an actual good-looking guy, 57 years old. Unfortunately, he looked like a total wanker. His shirtless torso was at least not headless but he was looking for someone who was as much of a gym rat as he and he was doing one of those Hercules poses that looked like he was about to kiss his own bicep.

Just one more reason to not regard these women as my competition. They’re way too bitchin’ for most of these bozos. Well, maybe not Hercules. But they can have him.

I’m looking more for a Barnes & Noble kind of guy than Gold’s Gym.

Not only did the women look attractive, happy, confident, and fun, but they all had profiles. Fun profiles. Women have apparently learned to write them better since I last performed this exercise fifteen years ago.

I scrolled through their other photos and not only were they great pics but they had funny, clever captions. Cadge that idea! The profiles were specific about what they were looking for in a man without sounding psycho or desperate or damaged, like with a long list about what they want and a longer one on they don’t want, based on their own past bad decisions.

And that’s when I thought, Damn, I wish I was a lesbian! It would be a veritable smorgasbord of hot, alive, fun babes. While I didn’t actually want to date these women, I wanted to be friends with all of them. They just looked so cool.

<Sigh> Back to the men.

Nicole Chardenet hopes her photos are just as bitchin’ on Spinal Tap, and even if they aren’t, they’ve got better captions now. She researched the biochemical process of falling in love this past weekend so she’d know it when it happened and wouldn’t mistake it for, say, a case of acid reflux. She lives and works in Toronto from her artist’s hovel in the sky when she’s not bitching about the weather.

Nicole Chardenet 18/11/2017 · #19

#15 Well, it's not all doom & gloom. In my next post I'll be detailing a bit some of the men I've met up with (no names, and no desire to socially shame anyone). I did talk briefly to one guy online a few weeks ago who looks like a cool guy, but he's not sure if he wants to explore polyamory - multiple lovers - or not. I've already tried that and wasn't into it, so I'm a little leery of getting involved with someone who's into that or thinking of it. But, he's also into Buddhism and sometimes goes to the meditation group here in town I'm also in even though we've never run into each other there (he hasn't gone in awhile apparently). I keep thinking I should reach out to him and become friends with him in case he decides *not* to explore polyamory. Plus, he seems like a really bright cool dude so having a new friend can't be a bad thing, y'know?

I still have faith that a decent one will cross my path some day!

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Nicole Chardenet 18/11/2017 · #18

#16 Yes, I think men are being judged more closely (harshly?) on their looks now too. Being really overweight isn't helping them any more than it is women...and the dirty little secret of large people of both genders is *they* don't want to be with large people either. Women are financially and economically successful enough now that we don't have to 'settle'...which I suspect a LOT of these guys are looking to settle, and be settled for.

I'm not interested in "settling". If I can't find someone who can keep up with me then I will end up alone, and that's okay. At least I'll know I did everything I could.

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Nicole Chardenet 18/11/2017 · #17

#14 Okay, I laughed at that...but I know it's not completely true either! Maybe on Spinal Tap & other similar services, I don't know. People on online services do seem to meet their partners offline, but I have a few friends who are married to people they met online. Hell, my ex and I did it back in the day before it was cool...we met over a computer BBS.

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#10 Love the "used husband in fair condition," @Nicole Chardenet! That is wonderful! I guess we all know that over the millenia, women have been prized for their looks; men, not so much. They were the ones who went out and found the food for the family, fought the wars, fought to keep what was theirs safe. Looks likely were irrelevant.

Now? Well, yes. Women are still judged more harshly in terms of looks as we age, but I firmly believe that we mostly also take much better care of ourselves, and I know we look damn fine!

Waiting for the next installment . . . :-)

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Lisa Gallagher 17/11/2017 · #15

You can always change your mind (of course I'm just kidding). It has to be hard to be on these dating sites. I keep seeing a commercial in the US for one of the dating sites and of course it showcases 2 young and beautiful females and one hot guy who looks like he's a lot of fun but too young if someone in our age group were looking. That is unless the young guy is looking for a MILF- or should I just say, sex?! I once had someone tell me on Social Media that I was a MILF. I was so naive and had to ask what that meant... I asked the guy, no less! I was really embarrassed and felt like I appeared to be a piece of meat rather than a female who wasn't even using social media looking for guys. It has to be tough as a single woman looking for a decent man. Don't give up, I think you are figuring this out.. methodology does come in handy. ;-)

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Randall Burns 17/11/2017 · #14

#10 Men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

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Randall Burns 17/11/2017 · #13

#4 LMAO!! I lived in Toronto for 4 years, in the 80's and I can vouch for what you say @Nicole Chardenet, (and here I thought that the high gay population was due to the fact that they were all models/actors/artists/musicians) My life did "loosen" up after I left Toronto. :-)

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Nicole Chardenet 17/11/2017 · #12

#7 I think you've found your side gig, Renee :) I actually have a friend in Toronto who's a dating & relationship coach...we have had many conversations on how men work so hard to keep themselves single on singles sites