Nicole Chardenet en Love, Dating, Romance, Marriage & Divorce, Lifestyle, Humor (English) Salescritter • BLUERUSH Digital Marketing 9/1/2018 · 3 min de lectura · +300

Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Do On A First Date!

Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Do On A First Date!

(Since y'all seem to be getting into my Adventures in Mid-Life Dating series, I thought it might be fun to re-purpose a six-year-old blog post on some of the craziest s**t guys have said and done on a first date. And why they shouldn't have. And why you shouldn't either, if you ever go on a date again!)



10.  A man should not show up drunk and an hour and a half late.  You’d think after 32 years of MADD threats and all those scary gross movies they made us watch in Driver’s Ed that no one needed to be reminded of brains and gore and guts splattered all over the highway like some horrendous Jackson Pollock road pizza.  Well, apparently you do, and you know who you are, even though I doubt you’ll ever read this.


9.  A man should never send a picture of himself looking like a young Richard Pryor and show up looking like Morgan Freeman.  (Yeah yeah, I know you guys don’t like it when women send pictures of themselves 35 years and 200 lbs ago!  Hope they end with the first date too!)






8.  A man should never turn everything I say into a double entendre.  Him: “I’m hungry.”  “Me: “Well why don’t you order something to eat.” Him: (Giving me what I assume he thinks is a smoldering look) “That’s not what I’m hungry for.”  Well I hope you’re hungry for your twelfth viewing of Debbie Does Duluth with a handy jar of Mazola at your elbow because my amazing psychic powers tell me that’s all the action you're getting tonight...

7.  A man’s online profile photo should look enough like him so that, when he feels an attack of the guilties and emails saying, “Here’s a somewhat more updated picture of me,” I should be able to pick him out in a photo that shows only two people. If he has gained so much weight and gotten so much scruffier that I have to squint and mutter, “Is he the guy on the left or the guy on the right? How can he be the guy on the left?  It doesn’t even look like him, but the caption says it’s him.  He’s not the stuffed grizzly bear in the background, is he?  Or the big desk lamp?” then really, just post the most recent picture online.  You’ll get fewer first dates but you’ll never wind up on anyone’s Top Ten list. 

6.  A man should never say on a first date that he thinks rim jobs are fun.  Ewwwwww.  (No, I’m not gonna link to an explanation.  I might get, like, contact cholera from it.  Google it, or ask your mother.  No, wait, just Google it.  And no good-night kiss for him!)

5.  A man should never end every sentence he utters with, “…and stuff.”  As in, “I went to work and stuff, and I had a meeting with the boss and stuff, and we went over this big project and stuff, and then I ate lunch and stuff…” (Okay, my bad for going out with a 28-year old and stuff. It was several years ago and stuff.)

4.  A man should never throw himself at me on a first date and whine, “But I need affection and cuddling!” when I fend him off with a nail-studded clue-by-four.  I don’t want to hear about your physical needs on the first date.  I do not want you diving down my blouse like an estrogen-seeking testosterone missile.  Guaranteed you will never learn the colour of my underwear.  You might learn what a restraining order is, though.

3.  A man shouldn’t look terrified (even if he is) and mumble something about whether I understand how the Catholic Church feels about premarital sex.  Geez. I wasn't even pressuring him for sex. All I did was make an off-colour comment that had nothing to do with him! Dude, you’re 37 years old.  You’d BETTER not be what I think you are! (Okay, my bad for going out with a Toronto guy.)

2.  A man should never ask me, I repeat, on a first date, if I’ve ever had sex with a woman.  And I won’t ask him if he’s ever had sex.  I'll just cross my fingers and hope and pray.





GRAND PRIZE WINNER

What’s the all-time Number One thing you should NEVER do on a first date? Drumroll, please!!!


A MAN SHOULD NEVER ANNOUNCE, OVER DINNER, THIRTY MINUTES AFTER MEETING ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, THAT HE’S KILLED 59 PEOPLE.  


Yes, this really happened to me!  Of course my first thought was, Oh my God he’s a serial killer! Then my second thought was, Okay, he’s probably in the military.  Which he was, a sniper in South America in the ’80s.  Fair enough.  Still, a lot of women won’t regard that as something to brag about. War is like politics and sausage.  Both are necessary but you don’t want to know how it’s done. (That was only the first example of his appalling lack of common sense.)

Men, I’m sure you’ve had some truly appalling experiences with women on first dates.  By all means, please feel free to bitch, moan, whine, rant, complain, and threaten to never go near anything in a shorty shirt and a g-string ever again.  (Except for You-Know-Who, LOL) Since I don’t date women I can’t speak from personal experience.  (Lesbians/bi’s, please feel free to bitch moan whine blah blah blah away too!)





Nicole Chardenet is a freelance writer and full-time SAASy software-schlepper who's in a much better frame of mind than she was when she wrote this six years ago. She lives the stereotype with Belladonna, her Demon Kitty O' Doom from her sky-rise Den O' Iniquity in Toronto, which she swears is still, six years later, the male virgin capital of the Western world. (Toronto, not her apartment.) 


Claire L Cardwell 14/4/2018 · #27

#25 @Nicole Chardenet - nailed it in one - that's precisely what Khaki Fever is! Game Rangers are well known for giving the overseas ladies fits of the vapours! Our boys in Blue (Blue Work Overalls are very popular here) also look great.

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Nicole Chardenet 14/4/2018 · #26

#21 Y'know no one ever boasts to me anymore that they have a lot of money, which is a shame. Because I'd like to respond to someone who's just said, "I am rich," with "So am I. What's your point?"

They lie, I lie!

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Nicole Chardenet 14/4/2018 · #25

*Wow*! Leg bitten off by a hippo? That's just...weird. Although I know hippos can be quite vicious.

Not sure what "khaki fever" is...going for someone who looks like the Crocodile Hunter, by crikey?

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Claire L Cardwell 13/4/2018 · #23

@Randall Burns - it gets worse, much worse.... We were working at 'Euromoney' and I ended up leaving soon after that and landed a job at the FT. I had just been promoted again, things were going really really well. I bumped into him (He was called Simon or Martin or some other vanilla name) at an FT Party at Quaglinos .... He actually gazed at me (mostly at my tits) and said "You are growing into a fine woman Claire," (I was 30 at the time, I wondered to myself what had I been doing for the last decade or so - still embracing early childhood?).
He met my gorgeous South African boyfriend (who's father owns a v. large Game Farm in the Northern Province) and said that I must have 'khaki fever".
A few months later I found out that he had become a game ranger in Zimbabwe and had some tourists in a boat, he got too close to a hippo pod and one of them bit his left leg off! (This honest to God a true story!).

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Randall Burns 13/4/2018 · #22

#21 OMG!!! @Claire L Cardwell How romantic is that? LMAO!

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Claire L Cardwell 13/4/2018 · #21

@Nicole Chardenet - I once had a guy tell me (this was supposed to be the 'knicker dropper glory of the night' obviously! He leaned in closed, gazed into my eyes and said :

'You will never have to worry about money with me, I have a trust fund"!

"Oh yeah Dude, you have one too, that's nice." I said. Needless to say the date ended at that point!

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Brian McKenzie 3/2/2018 · #20

Its been 45+ years since you have been in kindergarten - it seems you haven't upped your game since.

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Nicole Chardenet 3/2/2018 · #19

#18 Whaddaya you care, babycakes, you live in Buttfuckyszstan :)

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