BARR PROMISES TO SUPPLY CONGRESS WITH “A VERY SPECIAL MUELLER REPORT”

Yesterday the pudgy A.G. sat before a Congressional subcommittee and promised it that he would give them “a very special Mueller Report, one you’re going to love.”

Barr said the full Mueller report “is a total bore–– it’s 400 pages of a guy trying to find a plot. There’s no hook, no narrative, the stakes are low. It’s like paper Ambien.” The head lawman said he gave “an excellent Cliff Notes version in just four-pages” after he “waded through” Mueller’s full report.

“Look, I’m not bragging,” Barr told the subcommittee, “but it only took me a couple of days to condense what it took Mueller 22-months to write. That guy needs an editor!”

According to Barr’s summation, the headlines from the Mueller report are simple –– THERE WAS NO COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA AND TOTAL EXONERATION FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP ON OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE CHARGES!

Rep. Nita Lowey (D-NY) pressed Barr on when Congress would see the full 400-page Mueller report.

“Half past never,” Barr said. “But I am preparing a version of the full report with color-coded redactions and playful emojis. This is in the interest of full transparency. And guess what, you empty suits? We’ll be doing the same thing for Trump’s tax returns.”

Barr then laughed maniacally, tossed over the table he was sitting at and stormed out of the Congressional chamber punching spectators along the way.

“Suck it, losers! We won! Trump 2020, bitches!” he shouted over his shoulder to the Congressional committee members as he exited the room.

And there was much wailing and the gnashing of teeth from subcommittee members.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).