Bezos Declares, “Let ‘The Plunder Games’ Begin!”

Jeff Bezos, the mastermind behind retail behemoth Amazon, is delighted with the communities vying to become the second headquarters for his brainchild.

“238 North American communities lusted after us,” a smug Bezos told The Lint Screen. “We’re dangling 50,000 high-paying jobs, so they dropped their pants and detailed the tax breaks, land, perks, and concessions they’d give to get us. I’ve narrowed the list to 20 finalists and now the real fun begins!”

Bezos described the next stage of the selection process as The Plunder Games. “It will be highly competitive, vicious, and hopefully, very bloody. I want to see how badly each city wants my business.”

The company has designed a bracket system pairing off the 20 finalist cities and having them “fight to the death proving their worthiness.”

For example, Atlanta will battle Nashville, New York City faces Boston, Pittsburgh is pitted against Philadelphia, and Chicago fights Toronto.

“I made these match-ups specifically to get as much competitiveness as possible,” Bezos said, as he petted a white cat sitting in his lap. “I expect each city to wage war on its mortal enemy, and I want casualties. Big casualties. I demand the weak fall by the wayside so that only true champions prevail. And only victorious cities will make it to the next round.”

Bezos refused to disclose what the next round of The Plunder Games would entail, but promised it would be “epic.” He also disclosed all city battles would be filmed, edited, and shown later on Amazon Prime as a new series.

“The Plunder Games will be huge! It’ll get great viewership. Death and destruction attract eyeballs,” Bezos said, with a maniacal laugh. “Viewers won’t know the winners until they watch all ten episodes. I’m as curious as anyone to see who will win! Let The Plunder Games begin!”

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).