DEMS WORKING HARD ON PLAN FOR LOSING IN 2020

You’ve got to give the Democratic Party credit, they are an organization of hard workers. And the Dems are working overtime conjuring ways to blow the 2020 presidential election.

“It’s in our nature,” William Tolbert, Democratic strategist told The Lint Screen. “We love to figure out ways to extract defeat from the jaws of victory. It’s a gift, really.”

And for the upcoming presidential election, Tolbert thinks the Democrats are more imaginative and industrious than ever in formulating a losing strategy.

“We’re running against a self-confessed ‘pussy grabber’ who has paid off porn stars and had more affairs than a Staten Island caterer. So what do we do? We kill Al Franken for the joke of pretending to cup the breasts of a sleeping woman. There is no humor in politics! And now, we’re attacking Joe Biden for being Joe Biden, mister touchy-feely who sometimes likes to rub noses. It’s brilliant, really–– let’s kill our own before they’re even out of the gate. And whoever is left standing, we’ll sharpen our knives for them and slice ’em to ribbons.”

But Tolbert says the liberal imagination doesn’t stop there.

“We’re also the party of endless desserts. You want national healthcare, free college, guaranteed income for life, a free car, and safe spaces against microaggressions every ten feet? No problem, you got it. How will we pay for it?” Tolbert shrugs. “Don’t worry. We’ll get in the weeds with some complicated wonkiness and bore voters to death.”

“Republicans take the easy way out with simple messaging like lower taxes and more jobs. La dee freakin’ da!”

Tolbert thinks the secret sauce of a losing Democratic Party plan is playing only to the coastal elites.

“We just need to concentrate on the coasts,” the political brainiac said. “Forget the fly-over states. Play to where the media is–– New York, L.A., San Francisco. That’s where the power is, not in some midwest yokel’s kitchen.”

Tolbert is confident the Dems can lose in 2020.

“Trump is without a doubt the worst president in American history,” Tolbert said. “He is a con man who thrives on divisiveness and chaos. But he has his forty percent base of true Trumpers and they stick with him no matter what. Forty percent is not a majority, so he should be easy to beat. But just to be on the safe side, I have the nuclear option,” Tolbert said with a smug smile. 

“I’ve got Chelsea Clinton waiting in the wings ready to go. America can never have too much of the ol' Clinton magic.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).