DEVIN NUNES HAS FEELINGS HURT, SUES GOD

Rep. Devin Nunes, the Republican patriot from communist California, is sad. And angry.

Nunes recently launched a $250,350,000 defamation of character lawsuit against two Twitter accounts he says are fake. One allegedly from his mommy, and one from a bovine pal.

“These accounts say nasty things about me,” Nunes said. “They damage my sterling reputation and I want to be compensated for my hurt feelings.”

But the brave man was just getting warmed up.

Today Nunes filed a $100 trillion lawsuit against God.

“The Almighty has done many great things like creating air, sheep with soft, fluffy haunches, and sending us Donald Trump to protect Israel and our democracy,” a  confidant Nunes told The Lint Screen. “But, God has done me wrong. Yes, He made heaven and earth, but He also made the awful people who mock me on Twitter and He didn’t stop them. It’s His fault, all His fault, and this time I am going to make Him pay!”

Nunes believes God must be held accountable.

“God sits in judgment of all of us, so why shouldn’t the Supreme Court sit in judgment of Him? If my lawsuit goes to the highest court in the land, I predict a 5-4 ruling in my favor. I like my odds,” Nunes said with a slight smile. “I will win, God.”

“By the way, I am not a snowflake,” he added as he choked back tears. “I am definitely not a snowflake.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).