EMERGENCY PRAYER SESSION CONVENED FOR PREZ

If you see the clouds parting over the White House and a shaft of bright sunlight come beaming down, do not be surprised.

A group of the nation’s top evangelical leaders was called to the Oval Office today to pray to ‘The Big Guy’ for the big guy.

“The evil media has been very nasty to our master,” pious V.P. Mike Pence told The Lint Screen. “It is shameful, sinful even. The Google machine is attacking our glorious leader with fake news and negative stories. People need to watch Hannity for the gospel truth. Believe! We need to shut down the internet immediately! I am talking with Mitch McConnell about it. There are websites with wanton women, women who cast their clothes aside and embrace lustful activities with men and women of many colors, many involving exotic contraptions, role-playing, makeshift lubrication, and outdoor surroundings. I have heard about them.”

The nation’s holiest rollers agreed with the veep.

“The fake news makes a big deal about the president’s extramarital affairs,” said Rev. Jimmy Jackyjay of Eternal Redemption Church. “As Jesus said, to err is human, to forgive divine. Who among us has not awoken next to someone who is not our spouse? At least his women are alive. He didn’t have to dispose of the body by a dumpster. No one died here. Give a guy a break, for crying out loud!”

Rev. Kenny Devoutly of Assured Salvation Church agreed. “The news media has been harsh in its criticism of Mr. Trump. He was a celebrity, a billionaire, a magnet for women. And he gave up the bright lights to lead his flock through the desert of eternal damnation. President Trump is our Moses, and we are his sheep. He is taking us to the market. And it will be good. The market is at an all-time high. His shady business dealings of the past are ancient history. Let us enjoy our journey to financial salvation. Tax cuts and freeing of regulations, slashing social services. The working people simply need to look at the value of their portfolios to see that we are on the right path.”

“Amen, brother,” said Pastor Shirley Burlap of Straight Into Heaven Church. “My portfolio has never been better.”

“But we still need donations,” said Rev. Devoutly.

“Yes, yes. We accept all credit cards and car titles,” said Rev. Jackyjay. “We are poor as church mice. Give and reap your heavenly reward.”

“Look,” said Pastor Burlap. “The Bible says many things, and just because the president doesn’t dot every I or cross every T doesn’t mean he is not a moral and devout Christian. He was put here by God, and we must obey him. Satan, I command thee to shut down this witch hunt now!”

With that, all the preachers laid hands on their chosen one. They bowed their heads and prayed while moving lips and speaking in tongues, like The Rolling Stones’ logo.

“And God,” President Trump said quietly, “would it kill you to send me a Diet Coke? Christ, I’m dying of thirst here.”

VP Pence scurried out of the room with his arms flailing to do the Good Lord’s work.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.