Enforcer Brought Into White House

The only constant in the Trump White House is constant change.

Recently appointed chief of staff Gen. John Kelley announced today he has a new member on his team, Sister Ellen Marie Grace, a retired 86-year-old Catholic nun from St. Mark’s parish in Baltimore.

“I’ve fought in wars,” Gen. Kelley said, “but I’ve never seen the destruction, carnage, and sheer terror of this presidency. So, I’ve called in the big guns — Sister Ellen Marie Grace.”

“Donnie is certainly a mischievous scamp,” the nun told The Lint Screen. “He’s a classic attention seeker, acting all high and mighty. If he thinks he can get away with his shenanigans with me around, well, he has another thing coming.”

The good sister has an arsenal of weapons she will deploy if necessary. “I will not tolerate disobedience,” she said. “When Donnie obeys Satan, I will exorcise the demon from him. I have a ruler made from an ancient sequoia tree, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

The nun reaches to her holster, smacks the palm of this reporter’s hand, and returns the ruler into the holster in the blink of an eye. (My palm is still red, the pain throbbing.)

Sister Ellen Marie Grace continued. “I also have a sixteen-ounce blackboard eraser I’ll make him hold in his outstretched sinful hand for hours at a time. That eraser gets awfully heavy over time. If these disciplines don’t work, I will have him kneel on gravel and draw a circle on the bottom of the blackboard. ‘Lil Donnie will place his nose inside the circle as he contemplates his many sins. I’ll wait however long it takes for him to straighten up and fly right!”

The good sister said she will also confiscate his smartphone. “If Donnie thinks he’s going to Twitter with me around, he is sadly mistaken! I’ll beat some shame into him if need be!”

The nun was most recently used as a consultant for interrogation techniques at Gitmo.

An anxious nation waits to see what effect she will have in the current administration.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).