GAETZ OFFERS FEMALE STUDENTS HELP WITH THEIR GEOMETRY HOMEWORK

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz is a familiar presence on conservative TV networks, and with his recent acts of Christian kindness, he’s sure to become even more popular.

Today the Republican Congressman told The Lint Screen he plans to reach out and help the youth of America with a new plan for revitalizing education in high schools.

“I think high schools are making math too hard on students,” the big-toothed slick-haired man said. “So I’m going to lend a helping hand. I am offering my services to female high school students who need some help with their algebra or geometry homework. I’ll help them study and cram for tests or finals if they need it. Whatever it takes, I want them to know I am here for their success.”

When asked why he is only offering his services to high school girls and not boys, the Congressman became agitated.

“I’m helping girls because of culture!” he said. “There’s a prejudice against females in mathematics, and it shakes the confidence in girls. People don’t think girls are as good in math as boys are. That’s not right! I am here to battle that stigma, to give the girls a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on as they make their way through the minefields of math.”

Gaetz also wants to introduce girls to the dangers of alcohol.

“Too many girls wait until they go off to college to experience drinking,” the man in a shiny suit said. “Because they are curious and inexperienced, these girls engage in binge drinking, which is very dangerous. Even deadly! I plan to give my girls small doses of malt liquor to relax and ease the anxieties they might be facing about their futures. I can also get them special identification cards that will enable them to experience bar culture firsthand.”

Gaetz said he has always had a keen interest in helping young people.

“I like to say the youth of America is are our future,” Gaetz smiles. “And I’ll do whatever it takes make their transition into adulthood special and memorable.”

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