GIULIANI CLARIFIES HIS TRUMP DEFENSE STRATEGY

President Trump’s personal legal beagle, Rudy Giuliani stopped by The Lint Screen offices this morning to clarify statements he made to CNN yesterday.

“It’s outrageous how the lamestream liberal media is putting words in my mouth,” Rudy screamed, flashing his million-dollar smile and exuding studliness. “The president has never changed his position. Of course, some people in the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians. Why not, who doesn’t? We’ve never denied that. I’ve been saying for a long time that some people were probably colluding — but how could we possibly know? Are we God?” The legal mastermind shrugged his manly shoulders and trained his beautiful brown babies on his listeners. He continued making his bulletproof case.

“But the president himself has never colluded with the Russians. Never. Never, ever, ever! Period. Full stop. The end! And even if he did collude with the Russians, it wouldn’t be illegal because he knew he was going to be elected president, and everyone knows that if the president does it, it is by definition legal. That’s called The Presidential Privilege Law. Look it up! I’m dead serious here — I’m a really good lawyer, dammit!”

Giuliani pounded the desk. “Damn, that hurts!” The beefcake rubbed his seductive paw and grimaced his Hollywood handsome face. “I’ll sue you and this office furniture for assault and battery! Everyone is out to get me and the president! And if somehow someone finds that collusion with Russia is illegal, so what? Hypothetically speaking reality is questionable and the president does not exist. So how can he be guilty of anything? See, there is positively no case against the president.”

We asked the legal expert if he was concerned about the many investigations into the Trump campaign and the shady business practices of The Trump Organization.

“Absolutely not,” declared the bar association’s sexiest sex symbol as he tossed the luxurious locks on his head and gave a come-hither look.

“Mueller’s on a witch hunt. Congress is cooking up schemes to chase the president. We’re not worried. An innocent man never sweats. And Donald Trump is as dry as a cucumber on a Turkish towel under a tanning light.”

The hottie dabbed his damp face with his necktie sopping up sweat like he was thirsty cornbread in a puddle of red gravy. He did it in a devil-may-care manner, oozing manly pheromones. Rudy wrung-out the tie and made his summation.

“The president is absolutely innocent. There was no collusion. Or, very little collusion. Maybe some collusion. Okay, perhaps a lot of collusion and Putin is calling all the shots. But for the last time, there’s nothing to see here. Case closed. Now let’s build that border wall and fix everything that’s wrong with America!”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).