GOP FORMS THOUGHTS & PRAYERS COMMITTEE TO ELIMINATE MASS SHOOTINGS

The Republican Party has taken decisive action to curb gun violence following the recent mass shootings in Atlanta and Boulder.

“The Democrats hate God and want to take away everyone’s guns,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “That’s making a mockery of The Constitution. They talk about background checks– that’s infringing on the privacy of American citizens. Democrats want there to be more waiting time. Have they ever seen the lines at Wal Mart? You can wait up to three, five, even ten minutes to buy your guns. And they want to get rid of semi-automatic weapons. Have you ever seen how fast a squirrel runs? You need rapid fire to take those varmints down. They make a right tasty stew.”

McConnell believes he has a solution for mass shootings.

“We just need more thoughts and prayers,” the elder statesman told The Lint Screen. “Not after the fact, but before the shootings take place. So, we’ll do pre-emptive thoughts and prayers. There’s nothing we can’t do when we ask God for help.”

The Republicans have formed a Thoughts & Prayers Committee to address the problem of mass shootings.

“We’re going to have Republican patriots coast to coast huddling together,” McConnell said. “They’ll send out thoughts and prayers that we believe will stop mass shooters in their tracks. This is the only sane, sensible, and Constitutional way to address mass shootings. We had 417 mass shootings in 2019 and we believe we can get that number down into the upper three hundreds with enough thoughts and prayers.”

The Kentucky senator believes the Democrats want to destroy the United States of America, and his GOP associates agree.

“Biden stole the election from Donald Trump,” Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson said. “Good Americans came to protest that injustice on January 6, and the Democrats acted like it was a dangerous act of sedition. What a bunch of cowards!”

“The Democrats are fueling another witch hunt,” Missouri Senator Josh Hawley said. “They want there to be investigations into what happened at the Capitol. What about citizen rights? It’s insane the way these liberals politicize every little difference of opinion.”

“Too many Democrats are getting elected because we have way too many people voting,” McConnell said. “That’s why we have to tighten up voting laws. We have all these different color people voting, and they’re usually voting for Democrats. It’s just not American.”

“And now the Democrats are giving average citizens free money,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz said. “That’s dumb because Joe and Jane six pack don’t know how to spend money. We should be giving that money to corporations and one-percenters, they’re the job creators! Then, the money will trickle down into the pockets to ordinary peons.”

“We may have to send some thoughts and prayers to our Democrat friends,” McConnell said with a sly smile. “They need it.”

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