GOP ZEALOTS PRAISE THEIR GOLDEN GOD, “THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME”

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has kicked off, and America had better get ready to feel the love of true Trumpers.

CPAC is known as the Lollapalooza of the lunatic fringe, where rabid Republicans gather like moths to a flame and worship their god, disgraced former President Donald J. Trump, who they believe to be America’s greatest leader, because he said so.

The agenda features a parade of spineless toadies and craven politicians who will be blowing smoke like a locomotive engine up their hero’s ass. The speaker list includes sleazy weasels Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Mike Lee, Sen. Josh Hawley, Sen Mark Rubio, Rep. Jim Jordan, Ben Carson, Leader Kevin McCarthy, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Rep. Devin Nunes, Jon Voight, Rep. Matt Gaetz, the son of god, Donald Trump, Jr., and dozens of other soulless cretins who will bow and scrape for their master.

Of course, the main event will be former President Donald J. Trump who has made it clear he has “made the Republican Party my bitch” because he owns their voters.

“Anyone who does not worship me is dead,” Trump told The Lint Screen on a Zoom call from a steam room in the spa of Mar-a-Lago. “I need everyone in the GOP on the same page–– I won the election in a landslide, winning all fifty states, and I was cheated by Biden, who is not the legal president. I am! And what happened on January 6 was a violent charade posed by Antifa and anti-Trump forces posing as my people. It’s disgraceful how the liberal media is trying to pin that on me.”

Trump towels his fat face, turning from orange to red, and continues.

“And there is no such thing as white supremacists, that’s another liberal lie,” he claims. “All I ever wanted to do was make America great again. For white people.”

Trump says he will not tolerate any dissension in his ranks.

“I wrote something that I’ve circulated to my people,” he says. “I call it my commandment– Thou shalt have no other gods before me. It means people must worship only me. Not God, not Jesus, Allah, or any of those crazy gods. Me– Donald J. Trump. I am The Chosen One. No one else. And anyone who doesn’t fall in line had better watch out, because I will crush them like a cockroach.”

There are rumors the CPAC event may include a special appearance of Rush Limbaugh, broadcasting from hell.

“I need to give Rush another Medal of Freedom,” Trump says. “The first one melted, accidentally.”

Enjoy CPAC!

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