KUSHNER SAYS DEMOCRATIC PARTY INVESTIGATIONS WILL DESTROY AMERICA AND THE WORLD

Jared Kushner is a self-made man who never got a break. He worked his way up from poverty and obscurity, much like President Trump, and forged his way into the inner circle of global power brokers. But the humble pulled-himself-up-by-the-

ol‘-bootstraps man is agitated by Democrats who he claims “are hell-bent on the destruction of America and the world!”

“I am charged with brokering peace in the Middle East,” the boyish scamp told reporters. “How am I expected to do my job if the Democrats keep hounding me and my pop-in-law?!“

Through a Pulitzer Prize-worthy investigative journalism dive, The Lint Screen has learned Mr. Kushner is the son-in-law of President Donald J. Trump.

His wife, Ivanka, is Trump’s daughter. For reals!

Democrats have launched investigations into whether Mr. Kushner was qualified for high-level security clearance and if the lovable rascal could be a threat to our national security. After all, he’s BFF with MBS, the Saudi journalist slayer.

Kushner has been hard at work trying to settle the age-old dust-up between the Israelis and Palestinians.

“I’m so close to a peace plan I can taste it,” the cute rapscallion said as he licked his lips and rubbed his tummy tum-tum.

But the dreamy wunderkind also has other fish to fry.

The president has charged him with solving the opioid crisis in the U.S., diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, reforming the criminal justice system, reinventing our government to run more like a business, sourcing less expensive resources for manufacturing MAGA hats and tiki torches, shoeing horses and stitching TRUMP saddlebags, soliciting acrobats for Mar-A-Lago functions, polishing ‘the big guy’s’ shoes, securing a seamless 5G network for the nation, modernizing the electrical grid with three-prong extension cords from Home Depot, replacing the railway system, removing the lids off tins of Bumble Bee Tuna, curing all known diseases, eliminating world hunger (see tuna duty above), denuclearizing North Korea and Iran, and keeping his wife, the super hot Ivanka, happy–– because “she’s daddy’s little angel.”

“I’ve got a few things on my plate, okay?” Kushner said, agitated. “It’s like the Democrats don’t want me to do my job. And they still continue with their witch hunt against my papa-in-law. Even after he has said many times, ‘no collusion with Russia.’ Look, if you can’t believe the president of the United States of America, who can you believe? President Trump loves America, and America loves him. But the Democrats–– they hate America!”

He batted his luxurious lashes and turned took his boyish good looks out the door as reporters swooned.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertisingand recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).