LaPierre Shoots Off His Mouth On “Sissy Gun Cowards”

Wayne LaPierre, the executive vice president of the N.R.A., recently stormed into the offices of The Lint Screen and unloaded on the recent brouhaha over gun control. Here are the highlights of what he told our editorial staff as he held us at gunpoint.

“God wanted us all to have guns. Although it’s not mentioned in the Bible, I think both Adam and Eve were packing heat. God wouldn’t send His own creations into Eden without protection! And imagine how good life would be today if Eve had just shot the apple off Adam’s head instead of eating it!”

“The real danger to America is the loony leftists who want gun control and background checks. Just because there are some sissy gun cowards out there, they want to destroy our rights, fun, and freedom. These people should be shot.”

“Sure, the N.R.A. backs pro-gun agenda politicians. What — you think these spineless puppets could get elected with just energy, healthcare, defense contractor, chamber of commerce, and telecom lobby funds? Get serious!”

“Guns aren’t the problem in America. Americans who want to control guns are the problem. They’re unpatriotic, and probably here illegally.”

“If we want to get serious about stopping school shootings, we’ve got to arm teachers, principals, lunch ladies, hall monitors, janitors, crossing guards, nurses, PTA members, and certain students — the kids that socialists would label as bullies. We need to take this army of school advocates and train them how to handle weapons. In this country, we waste too much money on books. We should be spending on life insurance in the form of firearms. The only defense from a bad guy with a gun is a team of good guys with higher capacity guns and more munitions. Kids are never going to learn if they don’t feel safe. The N.R.A. thinks more guns will make them feel safe and secure so they can learn. It’s that simple!”

“These high school students in Parkland, Florida talk real brave to politicians and the television cameras, but where was their bravery when their unarmed classmates were being attacked? Their courage was MIA then. Frankly, I think a lot of these kids are actors. They’re Commies working for the Hollywood leftist elites who are always bellyaching about gun control and want us to drink mineral water instead of tap.”

“Guns are not the problem, mental illness is the problem. And mentally ill people have every right to own whatever weaponry they like. The Second Amendment says so.”

“It’s like The Beatles said, ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’– and if it had been up to me, I’d have shot Rocky Raccoon.”

“Guns are critical for hunting. Pistols, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatics — they’re the only things that keep us safe from the animals. Look, if we’re not heavily armed and protecting ourselves, we could find deer, pheasants, and chipmunks crapping in our living rooms and messing with our TV remotes.”

“If we’re not careful, liberal elites will take over. They’ll start by taking away our guns, then our Bibles. Before you know it, they’ll be forcing us to have orgies with farm animals, eat organic food, and meditate. We must protect ourselves from these dangers.”

“Our forefathers knew that without a heavily armed militia, the redcoats or the federal government would come and take away their rights. So, they gave us the right to bear arms. Back then it was muskets, you’d better believe they’d rather have AR-15s and full metal jackets!”

“The only way they’ll take my gun is to pry it from my cold, dead finger. Please don’t take that literally, it’s an expression.”

“I’m sick of people telling me the number of mass shootings is so much lower in other countries. So what? Are you willing to give up freedom to feel safer? What kind of an asinine idea is that?”

Upon finishing his tirade, LaPierre raised his AR-15 and unloaded a barrage of bullets into the ceiling of The Lint Screen offices. Soon, we discovered our ceiling leaks blood.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of ASO Advertising.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).