MCCONNELL VOWS TO “OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS” ON OBAMA

Sen. Mitch McConnell is known for being one chill dude (“don’t bogart that blunt, bitch” is his common refrain in Senate chambers), but former President Barack Obama has got his dander up.

“That black guy needs to learn to learn how to shut his pie hole,” McConnell told The Lint Screen. “Or somebody’s going to shut it for him. Namely, this bad hombre.”

The leader of the senate is furious because the ex-prez recently slammed his main man, President Donald J. Trump. Obama claimed Trump mishandled the coronavirus pandemic.

“The president has done an amazing job,” McConnell crowed. “The U.S. is number one in the world for testing. Anyone who wants a test can get a test. Even if you don’t want a test, we’re going to give you one, just because we have so many damn tests! And we didn’t get healthcare workers PPE; we got them something much better–– The Blue Angels flying overhead in honor of them!”

McConnell thrusts a victory fist in the air as his old man arm flab flaps in the wind.

“Thanks to President Trump, we have had very few coronavirus cases and deaths–– almost none. He’s made it possible for us to safely open the country up and get the lazy serfs back where they belong–– working! And they better not start bellyaching for more money or healthcare. Shut up, peons, eat your gruel and get back to work! Don’t make me crack the whip.”

McConnell spits on the ground, gets winded and doubles over, then catches his breath.

“Obama had better watch himself,” Merciless Mitch says as he cracks his knuckles. “I’ve been deadlifting heavy sacks of cash from lobbyists for years. I am one ripped mofo. And if Obama keeps serving his loudmouth soup, I swear I’m going open a can of whoop-ass on his black ass.”

McConnell pops a muscle and collapses on the ground.

“I mean it,” he shouts.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).