MEET MATT WHITAKER, A FAIR & BALANCED A.G.
Now that the disloyal dwarf Jeff Sessions has resigned as Attorney General, President Trump has named Matthew G. Whitaker acting A.G. The Lint Screen met with Mr. Whitaker as he was working out at a local gym. Here is our exclusive interview.
TLS: Congratulations, Mr. Whitaker, on becoming the acting Attorney General.
MGW: There’s no need to be so formal. Mr. Whitaker is my father–– just call me “The Justice Enforcenator.”
TLS: Sure. Do you think Jeff Sessions did a good job?
MGW: Absolutely not. He was awful. Horrible. A disgrace. Sessions was very disloyal to our president. He should have never recused himself from the Mueller investigation. The Big Boss needs a fighter on his team. I think that’s why he picked me.
TLS: What do you plan to do to the Mueller investigation?
MGW: There’s a reason people call me The Justice Enforcenator. I will shut that toothpick down. I’ll take Mueller to the mat, put him in a guillotine choke hold, then give him an inverted Indian deathlock. That old dude won’t know what hit him.
WHITAKER TOOK-OFF HIS TEE SHIRT AND TOSSED IT IN THE CORNER
MGW: Come here, reporter boy–– do me a favor and grease-up my pecs.
WHITAKER HANDED THIS REPORTER A BOTTLE OF BABY OIL AND THRUST HIS BARE CHEST FORWARD.
TLS: Don’t you think Mueller should finish his investigation?
MGW: Hell no. You have hands like a girl, anyone ever tell you that? Rub harder, keyboard jockey, work the oil in!
TLS: Why do you want to shut down Mueller?
MGW: Because the president already told him there was no collusion. Absolutely no collusion. But Mueller didn’t listen, he continued his witch hunt–– the biggest witch hunt in history. He’s wasting taxpayer money. Mueller has to be stopped. He’s the most dangerous man in America, and I say that as a completely impartial person.
TLS: But there have been Russian ties to the Trump campaign, indictments issued, and four former Trump aides have pleaded guilty…
MGW: Big fricking deal. Hannity says there was no collusion. He has great ratings, much better than the fake news on CNN. And Sarah Huckabee Sanders says there was no collusion. Plus, Fox and Friends. They’ve all said no collusion. Everyone says there was no collusion, except the fake news media and those people will be dealt with. The bottom line is Muller is a wild canon who needs to be shut down. Get over here, word boy, and spot me these barbells.
THIS REPORTER TRIED TO LIFT THE BARBELLS, BUT THEY SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN WELDED TO THEIR STAND.
TLS: I think these barbells are broken…
MGW: Get out of the way, Shirley.
WHITAKER BEGAN BENCH PRESSING THE BARBELLS AND GRUNTING. THIS REPORTER WATCHED AN EPISODE OF ‘THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE’ ON HIS PHONE AS WHITAKER WORKED-OUT. WHEN WHITAKER FINISHED, HE USED A TOWEL TO DRY HIS PERSPIRATION-SOAKED FACE.
TLS: Is there anything you’d like the American people to know about you?
MGW: Yes. They better get in line and obey our leader. President Trump is the greatest president in history, everyone says so, and anyone who disagrees is an enemy of the state and will be prosecuted. Especially Democrats–– that angry mod is out of control. Take it from The Justice Enforcenator, if you don’t obey, you will pay! Now, come here and lube my deltoids.
THE LAW ENFORCERATOR TOSSED THIS REPORTER THE BOTTLE OF BABY OIL AS THE JOURNALIST HELD BACK HIS TEARS.
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).