Miller Vies For "The Sexiest Man Alive" Title
The Trump administration is firing on all cylinders. After the Mueller witch hunt declared the president completely innocent of any collusion or obstruction of justice, the Doninator is enjoying his victory lap.
But this party's just getting started!
Not content to just capture migrant kids in cages, this man-god has announced he plans to capture hearts by winning the PEOPLE magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" competition.
"I am going to dethrone Idris Elba," Miller told The Lint Screen. "He is not even an American, but I am! I'm tired of immigrants taking our jobs." Miller spat on the ground and opened his "Macho Man" leather pouch, took a plug of moist tobacco, and slugged it into his gaping gob. He closed his eyes as he savored the flavor and continued.
"Look, I'm a hell of a lot sexier than Idris Elba, Blake Shelton, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, David Beckham, Chris Hemsworth, Adam Levine, or Channing Tatum," Miller said batting his eyelashes seductively. "Those guys have all won in past years, but not this time. It's my year to win the throne."
Miller considers himself a lock for the 2019 dreamy hunk crown.
"I have excellent personal hygiene–– I wash my hair every Sunday, brush my teeth on even numbered days, and splash my face with Old Spice with a rinse of Brut 33," the sweet-smelling Adonis said. "Women find me absolutely irresistible. I mean, a lot of them don't even scream when I approach them. I'm kind of a babe magnet, you know."
Miller does not think getting his handsome mug on the cover of PEOPLE magazine will change his life very much.
"If Fox and Friends does a story about me winning, then the boss will probably see it," Miller said. "And it's always a good idea to stay on his good side. Hey, and who knows–– maybe Ivanka will notice me and leave that dolt Jared for some quality Miller time. Yeah, babe! Wouldn't that be sweet?"
Yes, Stephen, it sure would! Good luck, you rakish scamp, our fingers are crossed.
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).