New Coronavirus Task Force Member Announced
If anyone knows how to create drama, it's President Donald J. Trump. The man who made The Apprentice the most popular TV show in history has decided to shake things up with the cast on The White House Cornanvirus Task Force.
"We've had the highest ratings ever," the president told The Lint Screen. "Incredible ratings. No one's ever seen ratings like the briefings. That's because I was the star. People know me, trust me, love me. But I felt like we could do better with the show. Get rid of the boring medical science yawn-squad. Fauci's got nothing but boring charts and facts about doom and gloom. Who wants to watch that? Not me. So, I got some fresh talent."
The nation's ringleader has recruited a mysterious figure known as G. Reaper. "I'm not sure what the 'G' stands for–– Gary, Greg, Ted? I don't know," Trump said. "But people love mystery, and this guy is spooky–– scary as hell. I feel a chill when he enters the room."
The president will take over the medical and scientific aspects of the nation's response to COVID-19. "I know how to find silver linings," he said. "I'm a cheerleader." Mike Pence will continue his role complimenting the president on his swift, decisive leadership and painting rosy scenarios about testing success, and G. Reaper will discuss the downer news about casualties.
"I don't know if he'll need to say much," Trump said, "because I think the coronavirus will be going away really soon. It will disappear like a miracle. But, if some people are weak warriors, they're unpatriotic enough to die, then we'll let the hooded guy handle the bad news. I'm not getting my hands dirty."
The big guy said he is also thinking of some other upcoming shows for this fall's White House schedule to keep viewers watching.
"One idea I have is called President Hottie," Trump said, smiling. "It stars Ivanka. She's the first woman president and wears a pinstripe string bikini. Incredible body. And she does a tremendous job presidenting. People love her. I think it's going to be a smash hit."
Another idea in the hopper is called MacJared. "It's kind of like MacGyver, but instead of making stuff to solve problems, people in trouble just call Jared Kushner to fix it. It's got action, adventure, and rich fat cats feasting on the federal budget. It'll be big. MacJared."
Trump beams with satisfaction.
"Stay tuned, America," he said. "I'll keep you watching."
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).