O’Reilly To Be The Bachelor

Recently fired hothead ‘no-spinster’ Bill O’Reilly has just been signed by ABC to be “The Bachelor” in the network’s blockbuster show.

“O’Reilly is a hot property,” Frankie Turminder, ABC’s head of programming told The Lint Screen. “With all the scuttlebutt about Bill and the opposite sex, he is natural to be our next Bachelor. If I may get clever for a moment, we believe Bill O’Reilly will quote, make a killing, end quote. You see, that’s a play off the bestselling book series Bill has penned with the word ‘killing’ in their titles. Get it?”

We did. And we contacted Bill O’Reilly himself.

“Listen, pinhead,” he told this reporter. “I’m sick and tired of all these skirts saying I made sexual advances to them. Not true. Complete fabrication. Lies!”

O’Reilly’s face turned red as he began stabbing the air with his index finger and continued. “I want to show everyone that chicks can’t get enough of the Billster. So, I’ve agreed to be The Bachelor, and the world will see what it’s like to be me — an incredibly handsome, no-B.S. intellectual who every hot mama wants. I’ll prove I’m more than just eye candy for the dames. And when I present my rose to that one lucky broad, you better believe the world will be watching its happiest resident! The one who landed this non-sexist well-mannered bachelor. Now, get out of my face, before I slug you in your stupid pie hole!”

With that, O’Reilly shoved this reporter to the ground, kicked him in the kidney and skull and stormed out of the office.

Watch for Bill O’Reilly on ABC’s The Bachelor!

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising (ASO).

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).