Patriot Paul Ryan Retires: “My Work Is Done!”

True blue Americans are even bluer following the shocking news that Rep. Paul Ryan is retiring from his post as Speaker of The House by not seeking re-election. “I was a lock!” he confided to The Lint Screen.

The Speaker addressed the full Congress. “I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished in Washington, but, it’s time for me to return home and do my most important jobs of being a husband and father,” Ryan said, with a damp Kleenex at the ready to sop the liquid grief gushing from his dreamy baby blues.

“My wife and children encouraged me to stay in Washington, in fact, they insisted I stay put, for the good of our country. But I’m getting a little homesick.” Ryan said, pointing to the ruby red slippers on his feet.

“I leave Congress with great pride knowing I have helped put America back on track. Under GOP leadership, we have given hard-working Americans and corporations tax cuts that will reduce the enormous deficit the Democrats have run up under Obama. We have done amazing things for the country under the strong, reliable, and brilliant leadership of President Trump. Under his steady hand, the United States of America will continue its glorious march in returning to greatness again. And Americans can trust the journalists of Fox News to tell them the unvarnished truth and expose fake news. We can all sleep safely at night after hearing the unbiased honest reporting of Sean Hannity. And so, I can now leave with my head held high!”

GOP representatives hoisted Ryan on to their broad shoulders sprinkled with dandruff and paraded him through the floor of Congress as they cheered. They marched the Speaker back to his podium and the Wisconson hero dismounted the shoulders and curious exploring hands of his God-loving and devoutly heterosexual Congressional mates. He stood and looked proudly out at his domain. Then, the noble heroic patriot began crying like a baby (a very brave baby) and clicked his ruby red slippers.

With that, Paul Ryan vanished.

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Patrick Scullin is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time Writing Fool.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).