PELOSI DISCLOSES HER PLANS TO DESTROY AMERICA

If there’s one thing Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi hates, it’s you.

“I can’t stand America,” Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “The only thing I hate more is Americans. Especially the patriotic ones.”

Indeed. The pixie of a woman is hellbent on the destruction of our great God-loving, flag-waving, MAGA hat-wearing nation.

“Trump keeps talking about his border wall. He’s never going to get it, not as long as I’m drawing breath,” Pelosi said while snapping the necks of adorable infants. “I could care less about those people affected by the government shutdown, there will be no big beautiful border wall for Trump!” Pelosi spat on the ground, chugged from her bottle of Southern Comfort and placed a plug of chewing tobacco in her right cheek before continuing.

“Democrats want open borders for caravans of rapists, drug smugglers, murderers, terrorists, kids with bad attitudes who need a good talking to so that they’ll straighten up and fly right, and devil worshippers. A wall is a trusted and proven technology for keeping people out. Nothing can get past a wall! Look at China — it’s nothing but Chinese people thanks to their wall! Walls do for security what wheels do for mobility. And we can’t keep criminals out — not when I make a ton of money by letting them in.”

Pelosi said she operates a “coyote” operation that charges illegals bags of cash to make it safely into America. “It’s a ruse I’ve been running out of the House for years.”

But that’s not all! Pelosi is also palsies with Pootie.

“Putin and I are thick as thieves,” Pelosi said as she petted “Ralphie” her pet rat. “I’ve met with the Vladinator five times and we’ve talked for hours, alone. Just me and the big man. What did we talk about? Just never you mind. None of your bee’s wax. See if you can find one shred of evidence about anything we said — I dare you! You won’t. There’s no record and if there was, I destroyed it.”

The Speaker also likes to take advantage of her position of power. “I have hundreds of Air BnBs nationwide,” she said, “and lobbyists and foreign countries know they’d better book with me if they want to get America’s business. I charge them a buttload for the privilege. You scratch my back, I’ll take the scratch from your wallet. Easy peasy!”

She can’t stand the freedom of the press. “It’s too much,” she said. “Saudi Arabia Prince Mohammed bin Salman had the right idea. You want to have a free press, be prepared to pay the price.”

Pelosi considers Trump an enemy. “He is doing an incredible job of running the country, I have to do everything I can to try and trip him — like Mueller’s witch hunt! The Republicans have proven they only care about the little guy and the middle class. Look at that huge tax cut they delivered last year. That money went straight into the pockets of Joe Sixpack and Jane Lunchbox. How are Democrats supposed to fight that?”

The petite woman finished chugging her SoCo and hurled the empty bottle at the wall smashing it. “Trump is a natural born leader. He’s smart, mature, empathetic, compassionate, has flawless integrity and high morales. Donald Trump never got anything. He made his own way. He did it his way with brains and hard work. Hell, he was a millionaire at age eight! He makes Horatio Alger look like a slacker. Trump pulled himself up by the bootstraps and made himself the incredible success he is today. The guy’s an American success story in orange pudgy flesh. I envy him. He makes me want to cut his Achilles tendons with a rusty linoleum knife.”

Pelosi’s eye rolled back into her skull. She sat up. “Mama needs her a fix,” she told this reporter. “Hand me your belt and skedaddle. Time for me to ride Satan’s horse!”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).