PENCE TELLS SINNERS THEY ARE “DESTINED FOR HELL AND ETERNAL DAMNATION”

Vice President Mike Pence plays hardball when it comes to health care. The man who President Donald “I am doing an incredible job, a perfect job” Trump charged with heading up the coronavirus task force made a trip to the Mayo Clinic to see life on the frontlines of the battle.

While the Mayo Clinic has strict regulations demanding everyone to wear a face mask, Pence refused to comply.

“I don’t need a face mask,” Pence told The Lint Screen. “Mother told me it would be a mortal sin to cover my angelic face. And saints alive, how that woman likes to park her behind on my kisser!”

Pence says face stringent Mayo Clinic mask rules are not meant for him.

“I am a man of Jesus Christ,” he says. “Face masks are for mortals. They’re cloth shields for sinners who are destined for hell and eternal damnation. True believers like me don’t need face masks. We put our fates in the hands of our Almighty Lord.”

Pence drops to his knees and prays up a storm for fourteen-minutes as his head revolves three-hundred-and-sixty degrees, and he projectile vomits streams of green slush with an aroma of lavender and tar. Then, the halo-wearing man in a suit rises from the floor and continues his philosophical pondering.

“Because of the president’s decisive leadership, America today is the safest place anywhere. We have more tests here than anywhere else on Earth. Our tests are available everywhere. We have more tests than final exam week at a parochial school,” Pence says, grabbing his belly, and suppressing a boisterous guffaw. He pants and continues.

“The evil COVID-19 virus–– which the president calls the invisible enemy, he is very clever with names, a genius, really–– has barely touched our shores. President Trump is the best human since Jesus Christ Himself. The reason our country is unscathed by the coronavirus is because of the president’s bold decision to shut down flights from China. That saved probably a hundred million lives. We cannot trust a people from a foreign land who eat with wooden sticks to enter our God-fearing-and-loving nation. Jesus taught us to use flatware. And cutlery is our destiny. We raise our forks, spoons, and knives in His honor. To celebrate His glorious resurrection.” Pence convulses and screams, “Hallelujah!” He pauses. “And God forbid those who can’t tell a salad fork from a dessert fork.”

The veep has great faith in the wisdom of his god.

“If someone does die from coronavirus,” he says with a faraway gaze, “that only means God truly loves that person and wants him by His side. It’s a blessing. Destiny. But as for me–– I want to live to a ripe old age and get me some of those sweet, sweet socialist benefits like Medicare and Social Security. Oh, wait a minute–– I’m the gosh darn vice president–– I’m on the gravy train for life. Forever! Praise Jesus!!!”

And with that, Mike Pence raises his hands, looks to heaven, and laughs heartily.

“Please, keep it down, sir,” a nurse admonishes. “This is a hospital.”

“Shut up, you stupid face mask-wearing mortal,” Pence shoots back. “I’m saved! You’re doomed.”

He laughs and sashays out the door to a waiting helicopter.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).