QANON UNMASKED, AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THEY BELIEVE

“The Storm” is brewing and its name begins with Q.

QAnon, a group of fanatics who see scary monsters in every shadow, is now out in the open and nervously sweating. The Lint Screen does a deep dive into this mysterious organization so you’ll be informed, aware, and paranoid.

“Q” is the handle of a senior member of the deep state who is peeling back the shrouds of secrecy that have engulfed Washington, DC for centuries. Q is rumored to be John F. Kennedy Jr. (who faked his death to avoid telemarketers and Ted Cruz’s father “The JFK Slayer”), or, Gene Rayburn, the ex-game show host who allegedly died in 1999 while fluffing his pillow. Whoever he is, Q leaves clues or “breadcrumbs” for his followers, and like Hansel and Gretel, they safely journey further into the dangerous dark forest.

Here are some breadcrumbs from Q —
The Rothschild family controls everything. If something terrible happens, The Rothschild gang was behind it. Even broken shoelaces and 9–11. They are also the reason you never get the winning lottery ticket — they own them all! The fix is in.

Hillary Clinton is a secret Russian agent who is a sex slave of Justin Trudeau and now leads a pedophile ring for her sleazeball husband and the cast of Full House.

Since George Washington, every president has hated America with a vengeance and worked to shatter democracy and enslave their constituents. Their end goal is to have a nation of hemp farmers working the fields while they sip tea on the veranda of the big house and giggle.

If someone orders pizza, that person is a pedophile. Pizza and pedophilia go together naturally. It’s the real reason Papa John got canned.

Queen Elizabeth is a cannibal who ate the remains of Princess Di. When she wears The Crown, she has superhuman powers like an excellent credit rating, juggling chainsaws, and killer laser beam eyes. She also secretly records angry rap music in her Buckingham Palace sound studio. She is looking into opening a Soundcloud account to get more exposure.

The Pope is an Islamic terrorist. Or, possibly a liberal Methodist.

The Illuminati rule the world through dry cleaning shops, using chemicals that brainwash patrons when they wear their freshly pressed clothes, resulting in zombie-like behavior — paying too much for cable, using fluorinated toothpaste, recycling plastic.

Hillary’s pal Huma Abedin, the ex-wife of Anthony Weiner (a master of Photoshop), does not like Chick-fil-A. She is a bad actor.

George Soros is the bastard child of Adolf Hitler and Gloria Swanson. Soros wants to take over the world to torture all humanity. He also dreams of competing on So You Think You Can Dance.

Morning Joe and Mika murdered Antonin Scalia in cold blood.

Colin Kaepernick brings a patch of Astroturf with him when he attends church, but he refuses to kneel on it because the service only plays hymns.

Sandy Hook and all mass shootings are fake — elaborate ruses designed to unravel the NRA so that liberal goose steppers can disarm patriots and give them shovels to go work in the hemp fields.

Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are secretly married and in the basement of their home in Burlington, Vermont, they are breeding adult radical socialist children.

Obama kills puppies for fun and says he enjoys hearing “their last little innocent yelps” because he never had a dog in his Kenyan youth where he plotted the destruction of America.

Chuck Todd has accumulated over $22,312,000 in overdue library fines and is in the pocket of “big book” interests.

Climate change is a liberal plot to make humans sweat profusely and boost business for the HVAC trade.

Kim Jong Un‘s real name is Chet (“Axman”) McGuillicutty, and he played cornerback for the University of Virginia. He mostly rode the bench due to his lack of athleticism. Because of his lackluster collegiate career, Kim Jong Un wants to nuke the world “for payback and to get the attention of the hot cheerleaders.”

With all these horrific dangers underway, QAnon members take solace in the fact Donald J. Trump is the leader of the free world and will wipe out evil like Mr. Clean on an amphetamine and espresso jag.

Q gives his followers hope with these optimistic insights:

God put Trump in office because He knew DJT was the man for the job (and Jesus was busy). The Donald is an upright and righteous citizen fully aware of all the darkness around him and will strike when the time is right and slay all the snakes, leading true believers to the promised land of an America made great again. Either that, or he’ll post some vicious Tweets and take down his enemies.

Trump packs a luger in his bulky suit jacket and will dispatch “justice” at a moment’s notice to save humanity. When you see The Donald crossing his arms, know that he is preparing for the worst, always.

The Trumpster relies on truth tellers like Alex Jones and Sean Hannity. These trustworthy men are beacons of glorious illuminating light in the dark, dark world of fake news and pharmaceutical commercials. Jones, Hannity, and Fox and Friends proclaim the truth narrative — the gospel upon which we all can believe and have implicit faith.

Trump communicates directly to QAnon members by making references in his speeches to the number 17 (the letter Q is about the seventeenth one in the alphabet). Witness these quotes from recent DJT rally speeches —

“I am doing a great job. Some say the job I’m doing is seventeen times greater than any other president. Seventeen!”

“She was just seventeen if you know what I mean.”

“Chant ‘lock her up’ seventeen times.”

“When I was seventeen, it was a very good year.”

“Q, if you’re listening — SEVENTEEN! Seventeen, what a number. Seventeen.”

Sleep well, America. Q and DJT will help you get your peaceful Zs.

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.