Rudy Clarifies Everything About His Innocent Client

Rudy Giuliani, President Donald J. Trump’s TV attorney, came to The Lint Screenoffices and clarified some of the confused narratives about his client. He had aides set up a podium and bank of microphones and began making his case.

“The president definitely knew about Don junior’s meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower before it happened,” Giuliani said. “But I’m not saying there ever was a meeting in Trump Tower. A lot of reporters have been asking me about this alleged Trump Tower meeting, which there probably definitely wasn’t. But even if there was a meeting and the president knew about it and he conspired with the Russians and laundered money for them and helped them influence our election in his favor so he’d win and be Putin’s puppet, it’s not a big deal — collusion is not a crime. Stealing a Snickers, that’s a crime. Killing a nun in Times Square, that’s a crime. But not collusion. It’s a total witch hunt. Collusion’s not a crime and never has been. But there was no collusion if there was collusion, which there wasn’t. And what if there collusion?! No crime. It’s crystal clear, right?”

The Lint Screen editorial staff asked for clarification.

Giuliani paused. “Look, let’s not play the gotcha game here. The president has never wavered in his statements. There was no collusion, and the president has always said Michael Cohen is Satan — he’s the worst scumbag in history and a pathological liar. He barely knew Cohen, and the president never trusted him. The president has always said Comey is a traitor, an Obama mole working for Kenya, and he’s a mass murderer. Our commander-in-chief also said Crooked Hillary eats infants, had Mother Teresa killed for funsies and buys pizza for her pedophile pals, and that the Democrats want immigrants to take all our good jobs, rape our women, and get our kids to smoke reefer cigarettes and loiter at the soda shop thumbing magazines they’ll never buy. Donald J. Trump has always told it like it is. The American people need to understand that the president will always protect them no matter what.”

The ex-mayor laughed. “It’s funny how the fake news media is trying to stop the president from making America great again. They report on things he says as if people are supposed to take him literally. Let me tell you this. Our president is a man of his word, one hundred percent. Donald J. Trump is the most honest man I know. And if you read or hear something that doesn’t sound like truth, don’t believe it because it’s just the fake news media trying to bring the president down. They can’t stand a guy as trustworthy and honest as him. Someone who has dedicated his life to helping others, doing the right thing, and doing the work of Jesus until he returns again and takes us all to our heavenly home. It could be any day now. We’ll see. We’ll see. And if people do hear or see things they don’t believe or like about the president, remember this — hypothetically speaking, there is no reality. So people should have faith that if there were a reality, Donald J. Trump will take care of them and keep them safe. That’s all I’m saying if I even exist.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

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