Patrick Scullin en satire, Humor (English) Empathetic Adman • Ames Scullin O'Haire Advertising Hace 1 d · 1 min de lectura · +200

Student Crushed By Evil Professor


Student Crushed By Evil ProfessorCelia Davendale considers herself a strong person, but she recently claims to have been “decimated in a cruel and sadistic way” by her college professor, Dr. Sheila Felinbrowe, and has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her college.

Ambien University, located in the pastoral setting of central Vermont, is a liberal arts school with a proud reputation for educating free thinking, well-rounded students. “My parents are paying like $60,000 a year to send me here,” a distraught Ms. Davendale told The Lint Screen. “They are not paying for teachers to terrorize me and make as me anxious as a cat in the middle of the ocean.”

The incident that traumatized the 21-year-old Junior majoring in “Rational Reasoning In Children’s Literature” occurred on November 28 in her “Philosophical Comprehension Of Main Character Motivations And Psychological Underpinnings II” class taught by Dr. Felinbrowe. The tenured professor recounts what happened.

“My lecture that day was on Humpty Dumpty, a popular character with many young readers. I’ve written papers on him, so I know the source material well. I began the class by reading from the original text, and when I got to the section about Humpty Dumpty having a great fall, Celia became apoplectic. She began shouting at me, ‘How could you?! Did he die? Oh, my God, he was an egg! A big egg, it had to have an ugly ending!’ She threw her chair at me and ran out of the classroom sobbing uncontrollably. I was stunned.”

Ms. Davendale immediately contacted an attorney and filed a lawsuit against the University for employing a professor “who endangered my life and mental well-being.”

The student spoke between sobs, “A university is supposed to be a safe space for students. An incubator of protection and nurturing comfort. The fact that Professor Felinbrowe began a lecture about violence without any trigger warnings is absolutely unconscionable. It’s like going to the animal shelter and being forced to watch some maniac kill innocent puppies and kittens. It’s not right!”

The student has undergone counseling to help her get through this rough patch, and Prof. Felinbrowe has been suspended until the court case is resolved. There are no reports from the hospital caring for the injured Mr. Dumpty.

############################################

Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising (ASO), and has created campaigns helping Georgia Aquarium, The Coca-Cola Co., UPS, Golf Pride Golf Grips, Mitsubishi Electric, Delhaize America, Georgia Natural Gas, Mellow Mushroom and more.

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).




Max Carter Hace 19 h · #9

A university is supposed to be a safe space for students. An incubator of protection and nurturing comfort.

Since when?

I have heard college is where you leave the incubator of mom and dad and learn to deal with the real world as it is.

0
Paul Frank Gilbert Hace 23 h · #8

Wait a second! Upon further review it turns out that Mr. Dumpty did not simply fall ... but deliberately threw himself off that wall bolstered by rules that supported his taking his own life. This is really a story of empowerment and individual freedoms being marred by those making an effort to safe him. Clearly Celia, ill equipped to deal with the real world, needs more nurturing and support. This delicate flower will bloom greatly in someones window ... watered, fed and protected. Never to know the touch of a bee ... the wisp of a summer wind ... Now I need help!!

0
Kevin Pashuk Hace 23 h · #7

... next thing you know... Universities will teach that Santa Claus isn't real. Imagine the lawsuits then.

+1 +1
Sean O'Hare Hace 23 h · #6

LOL! Great Story! You call this humor but you're just taking reality and twisting it ever so slightly. I weep for society.

+1 +1
Randy Keho Hace 1 d · #5

Imagine her horror if she finds out the campus is still flying the American flag.

0
David Hahn Hace 1 d · #4

[triggered]

0
Phillip Hubbell Hace 1 d · #3

All the King's horses are political prisoners.

0
Phil Friedman Hace 1 d · #2

Patrick, I hope you bite your tongue, as it pokes the inside of your cheek. Empathetic adman, indeed. Bull chips! You are a cold, callous, and sardonic bastard, without any empathy for those who require safe space, especially on social media. If that callous professor couldn't say something soothing about Mr. Dumpty, he should have kept his maw shut! And your making light of the poor student's sensitivities is beyond the pale. We on beBee expect better behavior. Shape up, or ship out... sir.

+2 +2