TED CRUZ ATTACKS HIS LIKABILITY ISSUE HEAD-ON

The despicable little cretin is upset that many people have described him as a repulsive creep devoid of any humanity with the charisma of a moldy mop soaking in a bucket of cat urine and tobacco spit.

Enter Political POW! Marketing. The Dallas-based “brand enhancement” firm specializes in improving the images of political figures running for office.

“Ted Cruz is a bit of a challenge,” Larry Merdle, President of PPM told The Lint Screen. “We ran some focus groups about Sen. Cruz and discovered most people choke back vomit when exposed to his picture. Many plunged Bic pens into their eyes afterward. Obviously, people know he’s an insufferable a-hole jerk, so we had our work cut out in changing public opinion.”

The firm worked weeks on crafting a message for the marketplace, one that would shift perceptions about Cruz’s likability. The creative brief for the campaign was simple: “Convince people that vile, repugnant Ted Cruz is not as horrible as you think.”

Here is the script of the new TV spot that aired yesterday across Texas.

OPEN ON SHOTS OF HOUSTON, DALLAS, AUSTIN, SAN ANTONIO SKYLINES AT SUNRISE.

ANNOUNCER: It’s morning in Texas.

CUT TO SHOTS OF SMALL TEXAS TOWNS. A BARBER OPENING HIS SHOP, A POLICEMAN TALKING TO A WOMAN, A YOUNG CHILD RUNNING AWAY FROM A PRIEST.

ANNOUNCER: Everyday people are doing everyday things. And life today is a little better than it was yesterday — thanks to one man.

CUT TO TED CRUZ SMILING.

ANNOUNCER: Senator Ted Cruz.

CUT TO TED CRUZ KISSING A BABY.

ANNOUNCER: He’s a man who loves people. A man people love right back.

CUT TO TED CRUZ PLAYING WITH A PUPPY.

ANNOUNCER: Ted Cruz also loves animals. But not in a weird way.

CUT TO TED CRUZ PRAYING IN CHURCH.

ANNOUNCER: Ted also loves God — and hates infidels. May they burn in hell in lakes of eternal fire!

CUT TO TED CRUZ ON HIS COMPUTER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK PAGE

ANNOUNCER: No wonder Senator Ted Cruz is so popular. In fact, he has seven Facebook friends he shares his life and ‘likes’ with. Seven! Talk about being Mr. Popular!

CUT TO TED CRUZ FINISHING TYING HIS NECKTIE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. HIS WIFE WALKS UP AND STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE. BOTH LAUGH LOVINGLY.

ANNOUNCER: Vote for Senator Ted Cruz. He’s not a former dope smoking punk rocker in ripped jeans with a DUI and is a socialist who despises Texas barbecue and wants to take your guns so you can’t protect your wife and children from rapists, Nancy Pelosi, or Islamic terrorists.

CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF TED’S SMILING FACE AND SEDUCTIVE EYES

ANNOUNCER: Vote Cruz — cuz he’s likable! He’s really likable!!!

FADE TO BLACK

Fin

The end

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has an upcoming novel, SAWDUST, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.