The American Flag Sues President For Sexual Assault

Ol’ Glory has had it. The Stars and Stripes have hired Atty. Michael Avenatti and filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump. Avenatti also represents adult film star Stormy Daniels in a lawsuit against Trump.

“It’s outrageous how the president gropes and slobbers over the American flag,” Avenatti told The Lint Screen. “Betsy Ross didn’t prick herself with needles sewing our flag to have that prick assault her honor and glory. It’s disgusting. Who the hell knows where Trump’s tiny hands have been? And he needs to keep his crotch to himself and quit grinding on defenseless national symbols of freedom and liberty.”

“This lawsuit is completely frivolous,” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. She then read from a prepared statement. “The president represents the American flag and all it stands for and he is loyal and committed to it, like a wife. So, he’s earned the right to have an intimate relationship with Ol’ Glory. After all, this is America! And besides, she keeps teasing him by waving.”

Sanders looked up from her podium. “Anyone have a snack, a sandwich or something? I can’t buy a meal in this town and I’m starved.”

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Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) is a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to be a full-time writer, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.

He has two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).

Thanks for reading.