Tide With Clean Coal Is Introduced

Get ready, America, to get your clothes clean — clean coal clean!

Today, Tide, the nation’s most popular detergent brand, introduces a revolutionary formula that uses clean coal to do as the launch advertising campaign says and “get clothes clean coal clean!”

“Tide has always been at the leading edge of clean technology,” said Randall Jeckler, a senior product engineer with the company. “We finally figured out how to harness the incredible cleaning power of clean coal and put it into our famous Tide formula. The results are amazing!”

Indeed. “Bucky” Tadwarren with the Clean Coal Institute worked closely with the company in the development of the new formula. “Clean Coal is what makes America great,” he said. “We couldn’t be happier it’s found its way into America’s laundry.”

Both men smiled as they told The Lint Screen about product tests. “In our consumer testing, there was only one small kink with using Tide with Clean Coal — some people coughed black phlegm after wearing their clothes,” said Mr. Jeckler.

“That’s no big deal,” continued Mr. Tadwarren. “It’s just a sign that clean coal is working hard to clean.”

“Although the whites can appear somewhat gray, we’re sure people are going to love the April fresh clean coal aroma it gives clothes,” Mr. Jeckler added.

Look for the new product at your neighborhood grocery store.

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Patrick Scullin is an empathetic adman and founder of Ames Scullin O’Haire Advertising (ASO).

He has two blogs: Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification) and The Lint Screen(satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements).