TRUMP BLOWS THE LID OFF OBAMAGATE; CLAIMS SQUIRRELS WERE SPYING ON HIM
Donald J. Trump has always been known as a genteel gentleman, a mild-mannered man of principle, and the utmost integrity–– but now the gloves are off–– it’s no more mister nice guy!
The president spoke with The Lint Screen today and unveiled some of the dark secrets he has uncovered in a scandal he has called OBAMAGATE!
“Obama was the worst president ever,” Trump claimed with his arms crossed. “And what he did to me should never happen again. It was awful. He had squirrels spying me. I saw them in the Oval Office window, squirrels with big bushy tails–– they were obviously transmitters. They’d chase me all the time, trying to hear what I was saying. Reading my lips, reading my mind. Stealing my secrets. These snooping squirrels were trained by the deep state. Those people out to get me. The deep state is a bunch of bad people. Very bad people.”
But OBAMAGATE doesn’t stop with cagey rodents. The big man hugged himself tighter and continued.
“Obama also had an army of invisible people spying on me and my family. Melania said she can feel someone watching her while she takes a bubble bath. And not just me watching through the peephole, someone else. Eric said he felt a chill one night when he hung upside down. And Don Jr. is sure someone was in the room when he played with himself on inauguration day. I always have the sensation invisible people are watching my every move. They’re very tall. Invisible giants. I don’t see them, but I know they’re there. Watching, watching, watching––I’m on to you, Obama!”
Trump drops to the ground, and curls into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees and rocking back and forth.
“Obama started the pandemic. He wanted to crash the beautiful economy I built after he left the country in shambles. It was horrible how he ran the economy into the ground. So he started a pandemic to get back at me. I’m taking hydroxychloroquine to protect America. Great stuff, hydroxychloroquine. I get the gummy pills. Tastes like oranges!”
The president looks up like a frightened child, his eyes bulging like Marty Feldman. He continues his rant.
“He’s jealous of me,” Trump says. “Obama can’t stand that I made America great again and everyone says I’m the very best president ever–– much better than Lincoln, horribly overrated–– and my people love me so much they want to put my picture on all the money, every bill of the currency and they worship me bigly because I am the chosen one… the chosen one… the chosen one… the evangelicals say so… and that drives Obama crazy and that’s why he has planted a chip in my head that talks in the voice of Christopher Walken and recites nursery rhymes all day and night and I know Mary had a little lamb, I know, I know, and its fleece was white as snow, and everywhere Mary went…”
He curls tighter into his human-ball and rolls away mumbling to himself.
OBAMAGATE appears to be working well.
Patrick Scullin (aka PD Scullin) was a founder of ASO Advertising and recently left the ad game to write what he wants, wrangling parts of speech to entertain and amuse.
He recently released his debut novel, SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus, and writes two blogs: The Lint Screen (satire, smartassery humor, pop culture ramblings, and advice for people getting hip replacements) and Empathetic Adman (marketing pontification).